A Simple Gesture....

I ran into someone yesterday that I was quite fond of while I was growing up, I had a very pleasant conversation with this man. He asked me how my health was, as he had heard through another friend I had been ill, after dumping my whole medical situation on him and conversing about jobs and kids I said good bye and simply walked away. He called my name and asked me to come back; when I turned to him he embraced me. I felt a surge of emotion run through my body as I felt like he was hugging me good bye, and not just until we meet again, but a just in case I never see you again kind of hug. After leaving the grocery store I sat in my van and cried. It hit me that it may be a possibility.... What an incredible gesture on his part.

I have often thought about people in a way that I wonder if I or they pass away would I have settled enough with them. Could I live without feeling regret, or guilt for not just picking up the phone or reaching out somehow? I am in a position that I think about these things more so than most. I feel that I am more aware of my own mortality than most in my circle of family and friends. Despite the fact that everyone knows that they and everyone they know will die, do we really believe that there will always be a tomorrow? I may die of cancer or a heart attack, but I might die because of something else. We just don’t know our fate, not one of us does.

I have lost many people in my life and have regrets now. Regrets that are common I am sure. I should have called them one last time to say hello, and I should have said I love you, just one more time. I have a certain level of guilt because of it. I also know that the people that I have lost knew that I cared for them, but for me I live with the guilt I should have just done one more thing. Perhaps we all have those same thoughts. When my friend dear friend Peg died, I was shocked beyond belief, and yet I knew she would succumb to her cancer. She called me the day before her death to tell me that she loved me; I chuckled and told her that I loved her as well. I also told her that I would come and see her....I never did. She died the following morning, my regret lies with my own guilt of not doing something that would make me feel better. Peg was content hearing me say I love you one last time, but I lived after she died and I live with the thoughts of how I wish I could have seen her face and kiss her one last time. Would that have been enough for me? Maybe and maybe not, it is human nature to want more, more, more.....

The common advice "don’t go to bed angry", or "don’t leave the house without saying good bye or I love you"....that must have been started by someone many years ago who lost someone unexpectedly. We take every day for granted; every single moment of our lives is on borrowed time! We know this and yet do we ever really stop and capitalize on the fact that we know this? Do we ever stop and really make sure that we have our thoughts in check? How often do we let our children leave our homes in someone else’s car or let our spouse leave the house without first muttering a simple I love you, a meaningful I love you... I am not suggesting living a paranoid life in fear of our loved ones dying, but how often to actually think about them not returning? It is hard to suggest this, but I believe we must stop and ponder that thought every once in a while.

I am all about settling issues with people that mean the world to me, in fact I feel desperate about this topic. I am terrified for my family, in the sense that I don’t want them to live with any regrets of how our relationship was after I die. I worry about my spouse beating himself up for things he could have done differently, or my children wishing they would have expressed their love in a different way... I also live with the fear I may not tell them something I wanted to say. I am sure we all think like this, I am just making it a real conversation. That is what the motivating passion was behind creating my blog. I wanted to connect my emotions with the people that I care for and reach out to others so they perhaps can learn from my journey. All along it has been my goal to talk honestly about life and more specifically my life.

I am not embarrassed about sharing my life, as I know many of you who read this blog identify with my struggles, and most of you know that my struggles are not just with health, in fact my health has also caused many struggles in different aspects of my life. We all have difficulties with family and our friends, but it takes courage to expose them and to deal with them. That is the point of saying “think about your death not just your life.” Honestly, at the end of the day all you have is your life. In death you are a memory, but in life you are a force. I want my life to be a force of passion and peace. I really don’t care about material things, I only want love.  I want connections to people and to the spirit of what life was intended to be. Yesterday I was hugged maybe for the last time by this man, and he will never know the extent of what that meant to me. He could have just avoided me and went down another isle, but he didn’t. How many times could we have taken the time to say hello to someone and didn’t?  Five minutes out of your life may save you a life time of should haves.  I know that I have to change that part of me as well. I admit to having done the exact thing I warn against.

So here I am trying to settle things with people, and there are some people in my life that don’t get it. They don’t get that for me it is very important to have that courageous conversation about what needs to be fixed or changed. I really don’t care what happened 20 years ago, I am passed it and quite frankly I don’t care what happened last week. I simply care about today, and what will happen now. If I have done something wrong then tell me and then get over it, so that we can enjoy the rest together. I am desperate for that. We all should be. I have had to accept that just because I may be dying that...... it may not matter to the other person that I am trying to connect with..... they may just not be on the same page. Does that mean that they don’t love me enough to deal with our issues? No it just means they are not ready too. Perhaps they believe time is on their side and will think it through later, I only hope that later does not mean after.

Make it a priority in life to take the few steps it takes to protect you later. Car insurance, life insurance, property insurance we all know what they are for and we know the costs of having them in place....so having said this, place insurance on your emotional investments, the cost to do so is free. On your to do list add a phone number or email. Reach out to others as often as you can even in the simplest ways. Yes Life is too short but Life is too long to live with regrets.

~Christine~

Relationships.....

Relationships, ....the good the bad and the ugly ones. Relationships with others are what help us define ourselves. The individuals we allow ourselves to engage in a relationship which speaks volumes about who we are as individuals. Typically we enter into a relationship with someone because of our similarities’ and shared interests, those relationships are chosen. Mutual acceptance allows this union to prosper, solely because of the fact that we enter into it based on positive connections and feelings. Friendships and lovers usually start this way.  Once the courtship begins all the warm and fuzzy feelings are expressed and shown in ways that usually pleases the other person; and in return, ourselves. Even entering into a friendship with a same sex friend we tend to put a lot of effort into making the other person feel good. Eventually the relationship becomes a part of you and your life. It takes dedication and a great willingness to continue to have that relationship in a meaningful way. It is when we stop putting into it that it becomes a troubled connection. Best friends share many intricate details of their private lives, the good and the bad. The sharing of life with another person is an investment. When we invest our time and energy and our emotions with another person we certainly expect a return on that investment. That is to say, we hope the other person not only values us, but is willing to continue the effort that goes into making a relationship work. In a good relationship we can learn a lot about ourselves through the individuals we share with, also if we are receptive to our friends, they may tell you things about you that you don’t see or want to see but that you need to see.

Trust is a huge factor in any relationship, it is very important to establish a code of trust and honour with the individuals you choose to engage with. When trust is established many wonderful discoveries can be made about us. I personally have had conversations with a dear friend about a very important issue going on in my life right now, after reaching out  to this person about what I thought was ....well let’s just say this person brought another angle to the conversation that I did not expect, and quite frankly I didn’t appreciate. I feel that my friends should always tell me I am right and side with me!! (haha) The truth is this person is a great friend because they were completely honest with me about what they saw, and not what I wanted them to see. Inside I was angry, but truthfully they we were right and that was only realized because we had established the trust factor, and have diligently worked on our relationship to allow these types of conversations to happen.

What about the relationships that just happen? Or the relationships we didn’t ask for? Family. How do we make them work when at times we feel the relationship is not healthy? I refer a lot to investments when I speak of relationships and friendships; for me that is exactly how I look at them. Emotional Investments. There will be times in your life when the “Investment Account” is making interest and other times the account will be in overdraft. The problem is; some relationships are always there....in the negative. It can be very difficult to deal with that. It is draining and emotionally taxing to feel like you are contributing and contributing with no return. Especially when the person you are engaged in the relationship does not see the deposits you make.  It is also disheartening to realize that some people that we do engage with simply keep your investments at a loss. When it is family we are “no matter what” expected to just deal with it and take the loss. Eventually you may end up just being in the relationship as a non contributor, as this may be a safe place to be. Many relationships with family end up this way. The family functions that you feel you have to attend, or the conversations you must have with an in-law or family member that are exhausting and usually nothing about you, well unless they are complaining to you about you... I love the conversations with family members named ANDI, that is not Andy...you know And I, And I , And I..... the conversationalist that only knows how to talk about themselves, and who truly doesn’t give a rats ass about what you have to say, oh unless you are saying great things to them ABOUT THEM!!!

Family should be loved, adored, respected and never looked at the same way we view relationships with non family members....right? Not really, there are times when family members can be very hurtful and destructive to you. Sometimes walking away is the best thing to do for you, even just for a little while so that you can clear your head, mind, and soul and truly evaluate the relationship. Maybe even just to restock yourself emotionally. Hopefully when you come back to the relationship the other party has done the same. If they haven’t...... that is where you need to make a decision. Do you stay in the relationship or do you just accept where they are? Keeping the relationship may be very important to you, but learning how to protect yourself is the key. Keeping people at an arm’s length or sharing only information with them that is necessary... whatever you need to do to be in that relationship is ok. We are not supposed to be in relationships that make us feel bad, unworthy or spent. Friend, family or foe it does not matter no one should have the right to make you feel disadvantaged emotionally or spiritually.

My favourite relationship to talk about.... the spouse or partner relationship. Oh boy.(just kidding) The chosen relationship in the beginning, and after many years it can feel like the relationship you had no choice in. I usually don’t discuss my own relationships in too much detail out of respect for my partner, but since I am on a roll here...all bets are off the table. After a two decade marriage....I can clearly tell you that it has been an emotional roller coaster of goods and bads, but overall worth every single tear and laugh. After all these years and after umpteen million disagreements, we get it. It finally works like a well oiled machine. Truth telling and careful criticisms along with daily emotional investment deposits are now mandatory. But not all relationships end that way...working that is. Many people will end a long term relationship, and have many different reasons to justify the break up. In the end I think it just comes down to the fact that people invest in all the wrong things, which in turn permits people to make the mistakes they do. Unfortunately by the time they recognize the mistake it is usually too late....the other person tires and moves on, or they stay in the relationship but are disconnected emotionally from their partner. In the end they both suffer.

All I can say is being in a good relationship with others can complete us. Just make sure that the ones you choose to engage with are willing to work hard to be there with you and are not always leaving you in overdraft and never take more than others can afford to give you. I love my family and friends immensely and I am thankful I have them all in my life. I admit I am not happy with every aspect of every relationship but I am grateful for the ones that I have chosen to have. I only hope the ones in my life see that, feel that and are thankful for me as well. I know that I am a handful and have a wealth of issues       (pffft), but I am who I am, and I accept they are who they are and love them just the same.

~Christine~

Things That Make Me Smile...

I found myself pulled over on the side of the road this morning just so I could get a closer look at a Canadian goose and her babies. I was mesmerized with the beauty of their simplicity, just standing in a field eating and spending time together. When I peered into my rear view mirror to check the traffic I noticed I had a huge grin on my face. I liked seeing myself smile. I also realized at that moment that I need to smile more often. I am always taking in and appreciating events, and moments, I do smile.... but not nearly often enough. Yes I smile when I hear something funny, and I do laugh a lot but I am referring to smiling, for no reason.

My children make me happy; Melissa in particular makes me smile often. Thoughts of her easily bring me to a complete state of joy and happiness. Her spirit is the kindest and most heartfelt out of everyone I know. I find myself thinking of her and her antics when I am feeling low; it is a guaranteed “pick me up.” For me it is all about the small stuff in life that makes me happy or smile. Romantic Dinners, gifts, flowers....do nothing for me. Honestly my ideal night... being allowed to sit quietly by the water staring out into the endless horizon and not being asked “can we go now?” Wow. That makes me smile.

It is hard sometimes to want to smile or find joy in our life, as things can be so tough at times. It is not just about illness, it is about everyday stuff that happens to us and inadvertently causes us to grieve. There will come a day in our lives that we will have to lay to rest someone we love, be it a parent, a sibling, a friend or worse one of our children. There may come a day when your spouse will sit you down and tell you that they don’t love you anymore. You may have to deal with an abusive spouse, or find out that your spouse cheated on you ...or you find yourself cheating. You may lose your job, or your home. You may even have to deal with a family member that is a drug/alcohol abuser. Despite all of the shitty things that happen to people every single day, we are still expected to live a normal law abiding good citizen life style. They will still be expected to be a parent, a spouse, a sibling even if they don’t have the mental energy to do so.

I have learned that life is very difficult and I also know that not one person reading this post has not had to deal with something in their life that has been traumatic or extremely difficult. So what does this blog about smiling have to anything to do with the hardships in life? EVERYTHING! Smiling is the fuel we feed our soul to motor us through the shit times... Taking in the things you like and relishing in on the joy it brings you is what should matter to you.

The small things like Easter morning, a birthday, a camping trip, a passer by saying hello...these are the small things in life that help us get through our grief. Collections of small memories or thoughts are banked in our minds, it transforms as positive energy when we need it the most. So I look at it like this, good times to be had are simply an emotional investment for when the world around us feels like it is falling apart. What else could possibly get us through some of the horrific things we have to endure? It is absolutely everything that happens in our lives between the crap piles; the many incredible yet small things. For me it’s Melissa and her open minded way of living, her zest and hunger for the things that make her love life. It’s Ashley and her incredible strength and determination to succeed that makes me smile, and Samantha’s unwavering dedication to live each and every moment to the fullest. It is also the small things in my life like connecting to complete strangers in stores, or on the internet. Watching a toddler trying to walk, or seeing my buddy’s dog go crazy with excitement when he sees me.... watching a young couple walking together hand in hand. You get the picture.......

Recently I was told by a very special person in my life that I was strong, and yet I don’t see that about myself. I guess I am used to jumping hurdles and facing hardship, what I can tell you is that I absorb every opportunity to please myself. That does not imply monetary items; it simply means I look at things with an open mind and heart. I look for things to smile about, even if no one else is around. I had to really stop and think about what would give someone else the impression that I am strong, and so I realized that I am just relying on the times I had that weren’t horrible. I also make a conscientious effort to reinvest on my emotional front. “Stop and smell the roses” so to speak. I am much more aware now of the positivity that surrounds us every day and I refuse to take all the wonderful little blessings in our lives for granted. It is not because life is too short....It is because life is too long to be unhappy and without smiles.

~Christine~

Life with Chemo...

It is my second week after having my chemo injection. I agreed to the option given to me by the cancer clinic in London. It is for a 90 day trial period. If this drug is successful it will do the following for me: decrease my risk of further tumours developing, it should also stop the wealth of tumours that I currently have from getting larger and it should also suppress the hormone Vipoma that my tumours secrete. This drug is an injection that is given directly into my muscle. This drug can be taken in two ways, either several injections daily or every 28 days which is injected into the muscle ...it is long lasting and slowly released. The total cost for the injection that will last 28 days is close to $3000.00, which is much cheaper than the daily doses. Hence I am doing the 28 day injection.

http://www.chemocare.com/bio/sandostatin.asp

(info regarding the actual drug I am taking)

I have a nurse that is a specialist for this type of injection. She travels throughout South Western Ontario serving 3 patients. She arrived at my home and went through the protocol with me and my family. After we discussed the possible side effects and such she proceeded to give me the injection. All I can tell you is that it was the most horrible thing I have endured to date. The needle itself looked longer and wider than my arm and hurt like a bitch going in, not to mention the drug itself that is injected is extremely thick....

The first couple of hours after I was fine, but by 10 o’clock I was crying and begging for help. I could not even roll myself over. The next few days proved to be a challenge, as the muscles in my legs were quite sore, not to mention...my ass was sore!! Knowing full well that the drug would peak in 7 days I felt confident that I was handling the drug quite well despite the sore muscles. Well I was wrong! The pain, the muscle pain is now unbearable. The side effects that I was warned of have hit me in complete sequence of the list provided on the warning pamphlet! Hives, itching, nausea, muscle cramps and aches, tiredness, dizziness and bitchiness (ok I added that)... today has been my worst day so far. I woke up this morning with a mouth full of sores and a body that feels like a Mack Truck hit me.

If this drug is successful in doing what it is designed to do, it will be given to me every 28 days for the rest of my life, which means I will pretty much feel like this for the rest of my life..... this drug has been known to be successful in other patients but only in 50 % of them. So at this point I am playing the wait and see game. If this drug is successful than I will continue to take it at a cost of 36,000 per year, which we will most likely be able to half of the expense covered. If it is not successful I will travel to Switzerland to have it cured immediately through extensive chemo and radiation. Either way this battle is a huge financial burden on us. The worst part is that I may never feel better, yes I will live but my quality of life may in fact just suck.

I probably don’t sound very positive and I am sorry for that, but every aspect of this fight is draining. It is not like I see the end of the road very clearly. That wears on my patience! I am having a hard time dealing with the fact that I can’t just get up and do the things I need and want to do. My energy level is low. The simplest tasks exhaust me. The bigger problem, I am too damn proud to say HELP....I guess eventually I will ask but right now I cannot accept my limitations, my mental energy and my physical energy are in completely different arenas. The mere thought of me using this drug for all eternity is unthinkable, as it will mean I am financially screwed and unable to work and contribute to my own medical expenses. Being dependent on someone else has always been one of my biggest fears.

Tonight I am feeling blue and hosting my own pity party, invitations sent to me, myself and I. No party crashers allowed. I am allowing me to look at what I am going through and feel bad for me, wah wah wah.... lol I guess I need to take my own advice and take one day at a time, as trying to figure out all the variables is too depressing. I simply have no concrete answers and will have to just wait and see what the scans say next month. That will paint a better picture for me as to what I decide about this drug and Switzerland. Either way I know my road is long and will not be easy, but my struggle is to survive this friggen disease.... I have to remind myself of that. Eventually

I will beat this. In the meantime.....ouch ouch ouch wah wah wah

~Christine~

What would you do for you?

What are you willing to do for you? What lengths will you go to guarantee that you succeed? How do you surround yourself with people that will encourage your strive for success? How hard will you fight? Are you willing to stand alone to achieve?

I often wonder how certain individuals have been able to achieve personal contentment, and by this I mean personal success and self love. More over I wonder about the support systems that they have created to ensure their success. I have never been someone who has fought for me, I have achieved very little in my life in comparison to what my wishes of success have been. There are so many things that I personally wish I would have done differently, but the biggest regret that I have is....thinking that I had limitations, and then believing that I was limited. That by far has been my biggest failure. When I was a child I truly believed that I was a big deal, and that somehow I was above my own self. I was going to be successful and famous, and yet I was a mediocre student, few friends and not popular by any means. But in my own mind I had big plans for myself.

I did not have a great support system growing up, and truth is not many of the authority figures in my life took the time to find out what made me tick. Nor did they ever take the time to empower me enough to allow me to share my thoughts of my future. Perhaps they didn’t see my potential or they just didn’t care. When I read back through my journals and diaries from my youth I am quite surprised to see what I was thinking at such a young age. I once wrote in my journal that “I feel like I am walking through my own life without my feet touching the ground.” I was 13 years old when I wrote that... I still feel the same way today. Does that mean I have no footing, no grounding, and no stability? I think it means I have yet to find my true success in life. The truth is I don’t blame anyone for where I am today; I just wish I would have fought harder for me when it counted.

I wish the influences in my life would have been different and that I would have loved myself enough to not care about what others thought. So afraid of my own self that I catered to the bullshit of others and the cliques that I now know were insignificant at the time. A general feeling of unworthiness will describe my high school years. And yet I look back on it now and think my feelings were unjustified. There was nothing wrong with me, other than the fact that; what? I didn’t have money? Or a big home? Status has nothing to do with self worth...nothing!

So now that I am an adult and wanting to live a great life, the decisions that I make each and every day are about me and my happiness first. Which is not selfish by any means, my children are clearly always in my thoughts and considerations when I make decisions. It is just that I now take me into account first, which means better decisions for my family. If I won’t settle for just anything either will they.

My fight right now is not just about cancer. In fact, my cancer is secondary to me. I am first. I am fighting for me. I not only want to live I want to live great. Free, happy and doing what I want to do; without the stress of judgment, opposition, or restraints of others in any way. I will never allow myself to be defined by others. I am no longer the spouse of, the daughter of, the sibling of. I am not “of” anyone other than myself. I am Christine and I am fighting for me. My success is around the corner and for the very first time in my life I am not afraid to reach out to it.

The success I speak of is not wealth; it is self respect and love. This is the type of success that cannot be measured by any tangible means. Nor can it be judged or scrutinized by anyone other than me. I am 40 years old and have finally surrounded myself with individuals that support me and encourage me to do what makes me happy. In fact these people have taught me so much about me and have reminded me that I have the freedom to achieve and in turn will celebrate every aspect of my life. The nay sayers are simply not allowed to have input, as I have learned to not share with the ones who won’t encourage me in the end.

This is exactly what I want for my girls. Independent free spirited self sustaining women! I want them to care about others and support the ones in their lives to reach their goals but to also be smart enough to choose the right people to share their lives with, and who will in turn support their aspirations. I want them to dream without barriers and achieve the impossible. We all want this for our children, but how do we make sure of it? I guess the real answer to that is to lead by example and realize that you are the greatest influence on your children. 

~Christine~

I got to see it....

It just occurred to me that I got to see my eldest daughter go to her grade 12 prom...

I have been so busy with everything happening in my life as well as the hustle and bustle of getting my daughter ready for prom, that I hadn’t taken the time to digest this event. This year is Ashley’s graduating year, and her prom. Ashley also turned 18 years of age last week, and in a blink of an eye became an adult. Like I said I have just been so busy that I didn’t realize exactly what was happening. We at times get so caught up in living that sometimes what we are living for is lost in us trying to live for something....

Recently she accepted an offer to The University of Windsor and in doing so was also awarded a scholarship for academic achievement. Yesterday I drove her back to the city from which I moved her last year so that she could celebrate prom with all the kids she grew up with. It was not until I arrived back home that I realized that everything I have been afraid of missing out on, was here, actually here in my life to witness, love, cherish and relish in. I have been so scared that I will die that I focus on what I am not going to be here to see, and yet today I realized I AM HERE! I have gotten so lost in fighting to find a treatment that will allow me to be around when my children grow up, that I almost missed the joy in which I have right here and now. My oldest daughter turning 18, university acceptance, prom...... is over whelming for me. Huge milestones in her life and I almost didn’t allow myself to stop and be grateful for this opportunity. I am mean seriously how could I not have been focused at all on this?

I laughed at myself when I got home because I should have stood there in front of her and said so many things....or just one thing (I am glad I am here)... perhaps it was a good thing for me to not get all emotional as to not remind her of me and my illness. But still I want to drive back to the beginning of my day and stop, breath and fill myself with gratitude, and comfort knowing I just did what I never thought I would. That is to be a part of the huge memory making celebratory milestones in their lives. It is such a cliché to say time flies; we all say it like no one has ever heard it before or like somehow you are so profound..... Time flies it is true! It WAS yesterday that I was holding her, and I feel like somehow today I am just holding on to her. Ok one more time, I was here to see this! My heart is busting at the seams with an over load of wonderful emotions. I am grateful, appreciative and blessed to be here and witnessing all of these incredible moments!

~Christine~ 

I am such a proud Mother!

The Other Battle...

In January of 2004 I was diagnosed with Type II Diabetes, well actually misdiagnosed with diabetes.... the crazy sugars at that time was actually being caused by the cancer that was not discovered for another 6 months. It was not until after I had an incredible surgery in June of that same year that I actually was left diabetic. Now I am a Type I diabetic and am insulin dependent. I also must take replacement enzymes to help digest my food. During the big cancer surgery I had the distal body and tail of my pancreas removed (along with several other organs) but today I will only focus on the effects of my diabetes. Here in Canada we measure our sugars with ranges of normal being 5-7. Currently my sugars range from 18 (fasting) to 26 or as my favourite meter reads quite frequently HI, which means my sugars are so high I should be hospitalized. This happens quite often, in fact most days my meter reads HI. Since my surgery 7 years ago my diabetes has not been able to be controlled. My body functions well at around 16-18. Anything lower than that I begin having the feeling of low blood sugars.

I feel weak, and begin to shake. I also become extremely emotional. I can laugh hysterically at nothing, become silly or cry at the drop of a hat. Of course I can also go the other extreme and become a crazy lunatic and be so full of rage that I could club someone over the head. (great if they ever find my partner with a smashed head I am a goner!!)lol I have consulted many specialists about my diabetes and to date have failed at getting my sugars to a reasonable level. The effect that diabetes has had on my body has been devastating. I have been battling diabetes for 7 years now and have only experienced normal sugars for less than a week during that entire period.

About a year and a half ago I began noticing my feet were increasingly irritated, itchy and burning and now I have very little feeling left in my feet. The tips of my fingers are now numb, you would think they are numb simply because of the constant picking to test my sugars but it is actually neuropathy setting in. It has now lead to my eyes, hey it’s not because I am 40!lol

I now wear glasses which for me is extremely frustrating because I have always had 20/20 vision. I am diligent at wearing my glasses but still put them on and off my face a zillion times an hour. (I can hear Cathi laughing by my admission to this).

The real issue for me is the fact that I have a very difficult time with food, which has a direct impact on my sugars. Since my whipple procedure I have not been able to digest most foods. Eating healthy is a challenge for me. Salads and most vegetables hate me. In fact once consumed they fight their way out of me with a vengeance, but not before making me look 8 months pregnant. I blow up like a cow after eating such things, and the pain associated with it at times in unbearable. Starchy foods are the only thing I can eat without causing extreme havoc on my body. However it does not compliment my sugar levels in anyway. Dairy products are not able to be digested well either. I used to love drinking milk in fact by the gallon, now  a small glass of milk equates to a trip to the ER for pain meds...

The medical community in which I must deal with certainly does not have a great appreciation for what I must deal with. When arriving at the ER for any reason I fear telling them I am a diabetic because of the circus that follows after a reading of my sugar level is taken. My condition is ridiculous and most people don’t understand the complexity of my illnesses. I had my pancreas removed, I have cancer and my diabetes is out of control...My sugars have been high for 7 years and my body has adjusted to this. When a person’s sugars rise to over 20 it is usually call for alarm, as the blood can turn acidic and trigger a wealth of problems including heart attacks. So if my sugar normally sits in the 20’s it almost seems normal to me... I function each and every day this way. A doctor in ER will call the cardiac team down, and ekg, blood gases are taken (needle through the wrist to an artery, and yes it is extremely painful).I appreciate the efforts however when I try to explain why my sugars are so high I am then asked have you tried this, have  you tried this....YES!!!! Each and every time I visit a hospital or clinic I go through this.

A couple of months ago my endocrinologist gave me a new type of insulin to trial. It did bring my sugar levels down however too far too fast. Normally if someone has crashing sugars it is very low on the reading, less than 3. I went into full reaction, shaking on the floor, chest pains, vomiting.....etc. My children called an ambulance as I was in desperate need of a doctor. When the EMS team arrived they tested my sugars and received a reading of 4, which in most cases is a good normal healthy reading. My children tried to explain to the EMS team that I was not responding to the glucose they were giving me, and needed the girl to give me a shot of glucose. In the end they refused as protocol is with a normal sugar reading they would be unable to treat me. So even though my situation is not normal and I am in need of special treatment I was unable to receive what my body needed to feel better. An ambulance ride to the hospital was quick as I was having a difficult time breathing. Once I was admitted I had a team of doctors come and see me, they agreed to increase my glucose levels as a family member contacted my physician who in turn called the hospital to inform them of my unique situation. Anyways the team of doctors that came by to see me were not there to treat me nor were they there to discuss my diabetes, they simply came to talk with me about my rare cancer. Again I am told “you realize this is a rare enough cancer, that neither one of us will ever see this in our lifetime as physicians” “Ya...I get that a lot! Would you like to take a picture with me?” What follows is the usual awkward silence...

Eventually they gave me glucose which brought my sugars up to a comfortable 18, and I begin to feel much better.

I dehydrate because of my cancer symptoms, but also because of my diabetes, my mouth is constantly dry and my lips crack and bleed. I do drink a lot of water to compensate but in the end it just makes me pee even more. Night time 6 hour sleep is usually interrupted a minimum of 4 times just to pee. Growing up and as an adult I really never had an appreciation for this disease; I just always assumed it was an old person’s type problem and that it was no big deal. Until I was left diabetic after my surgery and began visiting specialist in this field and meeting patients in the waiting rooms and hearing from others what this disease has done to their lives. I am shocked by the number of men and women that have lost limbs because of complications of diabetes. It scares the crap out of me! I am constantly checking out my feet to make sure there are no signs of anything... The last thing I need is to lose a leg or an arm! Jeeezzz...

It is amazing the effects on my emotional state, I know I mentioned it earlier but it is a huge part of my illness. I never realized it, as often when it is you it’s hard to see until someone points it out. My friends and family will bring it up when they know my sugars are varying. A gentle “hey mom how were your sugars today?” or one of my new favourite “Hey Christine do you want a sandwich or something?” Either question is a reality check for me to know that my sugars are causing me to be over emotional. It is true, I know it, I can tell you that there are times when I know that I am speaking crazy stuff but I can’t stop it. I know crying out of gratitude at the gas station because the guy washed my windows is extreme... and I also know telling the cashier at Zehrs she gets to put all my groceries back after ringing them all through because she spoke rudely to me ..is not good. The truth is I can’t control it. Don’t get me wrong I am not a huge bitch and nor am I disrespectful to others, I just have a hard time going from laughing to crying to raging to laughing again...in one day!

My children love me and understand my illnesses, and are honest with me about how they feel and have the freedom to approach me and ask me what is up. They know that my hormones are out of whack when my sugars are, so they cut me some slack and not take my emotional puddles to heart. I just keep telling them to put money away for therapy later, as I am sure they will need it. My mother this and my mother that...hahahaha

 ~Christine~