Decision Made.
For the past year I have been chasing what now appears to be an unrealistic dream.
I had decided that at all costs I would find a treatment that would cure me of the rare cancer that I have. Fear, paranoia and my inability to stand down to this monster blinded my ability to accept my fate. Having been a secondary consideration in my own life for the past 20, hell 30 years I literally freaked out when I found out my cancer had returned. I immediately decided I would search for a treatment and go regardless of what country or planet for that matter it was offered...FOR ME. I also did not care who supported me or not. I can tell you my regret is huge, don’t get me wrong ....even admitting I have regret is an issue I struggle with.
First I will say I am proud of myself for loving ME enough to seek out a treatment for my cancer. I, for the first time in my life have put myself FIRST; so I can’t regret that, not really. Truth is I needed to exhaust all measures before I conceded. I needed to make sure that in my death my children would have peace in the fact that I tried everything so that they could live on guilt/regret free. I feel I have accomplished this.
The regret part... (huge swallow). I regret allowing my "cancer" to dictate and control my life. I have allowed this thing to consume me. My thoughts, my daily routines, even my sleep is consumed with dreams and thoughts of death, life and my fight. I regret allowing me to be known as the “sick Christine.” I hate that. I also will admit that my chase has cost me everything, it has not come easy. I single handed ruined no, catastrophically destroyed our financial future. In the end I have nothing to show for. No home, no car no savings....nothing. Oh but I still have my cancer. (sarcastic I know).
Yes I have children and a loving family, and that should be enough right? Only kind of sorta..... Sometimes; despite the blessings we have in our life, the desire for more can over shadow what we have right in front of us....I am certain that most people would give everything up that they own to survive longer, but what if they knew going in that there was only a 50% or less, chance of success? I feel reckless. The truth is I lost sight of what my family needed. It is NOT about quantity it should be about quality. At this point I am just trying to pick up all the shattered pieces of my life and find a way to glue them back together so that I can move on. I am no longer going to search for treatments and I am no longer going to ask for assistance to go. That does not mean that others should base a decision on what I am saying, each journey is different! I am merely expressing why I am no longer pursuing other options. I failed my journey by not striking a balance.
I have learned so many wonderful things along the way about myself and others. I also have been disappointed by others along the way as well. I always thought that everyone that comes into my life was sent on my path for a positive reason, which is not always true. I also set my standards of individuals too low. Not everyone that comes into your life and offers to help you is there for the right reasons. Despite the smile and the hand out sometimes it is about making themselves feel good and the cost of losing yourself in gratitude is too much. I also found out that friends are not always compatible and in the end it is devastating to see the truth. Through this journey I have been taught through my mistakes that I need to listen to myself more, and respect my own limitations. I have had no voice. My biggest lesson and the one I am most thankful to have learned is to never ever lose your voice, even in the most humbling experiences if something does not feel right YOU HAVE to speak up. When others were trying to “fix” me, I let them think they were. Truth is for every cut someone else saw, there was a much deeper wound beneath. I let them think I was ok, and I wasn’t. In the end the surface looked good but inside I wasn’t. My thoughts and beliefs should never ever be compromised again because someone else’s is more important than mine.
~AMEN~
Getting back to my decision.....Steve Jobs dying was the last factor that helped determine where I am now with respect to my “cancer journey”. He had every resource available to him, and money (pfffffffffft) . He still died. I have the same cancer as him, and if his wealth was unable to do a damn thing for him, then I am pretty damn sure my pile of loonies will do F all for me. I am simply wasting my energy chasing what I now realize to be mirages.
I have taken the past month to re-evaluate my life, my relationships with people and my future. It has been exhausting trying to figure out what my next move shall be. However, with the guidance of my best friend (Patsy....God I LOVE you) and my children I think I may have arrived at a decision. I have severed relations with people that I know don’t truly love me, and have opened myself up to the possibility of new loving relationships with people who “get me” and don’t expect from me what I am not capable of giving right now..... In January I will be a full time student once again. Woot Hoot! I have decided to write the LSAT, and apply to law school (thank you OSAP!). That might sound like a really dumb idea knowing I have a terminal disease.....well maybe I will live long enough to finish, maybe I won’t. At this point sitting around every day wondering if it is my last is unproductive and extremely unhealthy, so why not spend my days working towards my dreams.
In the end cancer never wins. I am not dying of cancer I am living with it!
~Christine~
