What To Say To Someone With an New Illness.

I often wonder if there should be a guide for people to follow when they are faced with having to share words in difficult situations. Funerals are hard enough to deal with let alone knowing the proper thing to say to the ones grieving. I guess the best thing is to just  kiss them and give a genuine hug. 


I have been on the receiving line a few times at funerals and have heard some pretty dumb things said from individuals that felt awkward about the loss. I am sorry for your loss is a statement that is so over used; even though we feel that. Or "you are in my prayers." Am I really in your prayers? Do you really pray? Seriously I don't always believe that people pray as often as they allude to. They probably want to say "you are in my thoughts" but prayers sounds more spiritual. When I hear this I want you to know that I actually believe in the power of prayer so when you tell me that you pray for me; meant it, because I am relying on your spiritual power.


So what do you say to someone who has recently been diagnosed with an illness? It doesn't have to be just a cancer diagnosis; any illness is difficult to handle. I would think the best thing to do is get a handle on the news you hear; take a deep breathe and try to accept it yourself before you address the individual with your thoughts. DON'T go on the internet and look up the disease! 

Sometimes the internet is a bad place to go; way too many bad stats you should not read about. Wait and get the proper information from the health care professionals that your family member or friend is receiving. Let the individual tell YOU what they know instead of you telling the individual what you know.

 Unless of course you have the EXACT same diagnosis as them. In which case share all of the positive that you have experienced, don't share complications or any sort of thing until the time is right, but not yet!

I once got a card from one of my daughters friends' mom. It said I am sorry about your illness. My father just passed not to long ago from the same cancer you have. I know how much pain he was in when he died so if you need anything I can be of help.

YUP I WILL GET RIGHT ON THAT

Did she mean harm by it? No. She clearly did not take a minute to really reflect on how I was feeling. Obviously she was still grieving for her dad which made her thought process a bit screwed. 

The best approaches I received were of offers to help. To cook, to clean, to help with the girls and Pat. These were genuine offers of help. I took note of all the offers and gave my husband and girls the names and numbers of the individuals that offered to help. These offers allowed me comfort knowing that there was help available if needed.

I also appreciated the friends and family members who just said; holy shit that sucks. That was the most refreshing thing to hear, because it really did suck. Don't just say "oh every thing will work out". It sounds like you are the one that needs it to be ok. It is such a general non productive statement to say to someone. No it is not JUST going to be fine!

 Maybe eventually it will be but right now at that moment they are probably facing some sort of horrible procedure so that one day they can and will be fine, but until that time things are shit. So just acknowledge where the person is and ask them what they need and how THEY feel about their situation. ALLOW that person to speak without you cutting them off to ask questions....just listen. That is a huge gift to someone who is freshly diagnosed with whatever illness they have; being listened to.   

TRUST ME 

Consider doing something nice for that person that will show how much you care. Make them a hospital goodie bag. The best gift you can give a person that will be hospitalized is a jar of candy for the nurses! Make sure someone does. It shows appreciation for their care, and they will pop in more often to say hi and grab a treat. Trust me this works. I have always done this while in the hospital and it has proven to be a great way to get to know the nurses on a more personal level.

At the end of the day if you are close to the individual; be there for them. Call or email or text or dare I say visit them. If you are close you will know how to handle the situation better but be positive, ALWAYS. In the event you casually know a person who has been diagnosed with an illness or have in fact lost someone dear to them, smile and hug them. "You will be in my thoughts, I wish you all the best". Is much better then walking away after and feeling stupid about what you said.  

If you are reading this and you are a person that has been diagnosed with cancer or another illness make sure to be honest with others. It is ok to feel overwhelmed with the diagnosis. Take some time to figure out how YOU are going to handle your situation. It is very tiring to have to answer and explain to a lot of people what is happening in your life. Choose individuals that you know are a positive influence in your life. Above all find hope and let that guide you throughout your journey. 

You will be in my thoughts.

~Christine~  

  

Laughter Helps...

When I am dealing with a difficult situation I have always resorted to finding humour in it. I have done this as far back as I can remember. When I was being picked on as a child or teased I usually added to their remarks and laughed with them; at me. 

Once I remember feeling overwhelmed with grief when my very first nephew was born blind. I was in the 6th grade. I was trying to share with my classmates during journal reads in front of the class how I felt about this poor little baby not being able to see.  I told my class that I was going to learn sign language so that I could communicate with him. Every body laughed. I embarrassed myself to lighten the load I felt. Obviously I knew sign language was for the deaf not the blind but I said it for a laugh. Mrs. Pavlica told me later in the hallway that I was an imbecile. lol

 I have continued over the years to laugh at the craziest things. I announce to you that I acknowledge that I have a sick, warped, twisted sense of humour. It works for me!  

Being in the hospital is not the most fun place to be especially considering all of the uncomfortable probs you must endure. However, having a sense of humour with the hospital staff makes for a very pleasant environment. First let me give you a great tip. Make sure you show appreciation for your nursing staff! My husband made sure that I had a bowl full of goodies at all times in my room, each time someone entered they would be "rewarded" with a candy or chocolate... Eventually my nurses and oncologists would just slip in to grab a candy. That made my interactions with the staff certainly more personal.

I also found joking with everyone helpful. It made their jobs easier to deal with knowing that they had a patient that was fun to be around. A lot of the time I used my joking and humour to hide my pain. When I wanted to give up or cry I would immediately start laughing. This was infectious for all that were by my side. Laughter really does heal; maybe not your body but certainly your mind and thoughts.

On the cancer floor the protocol for the oncologists is that each morning for a week at a time they perform rounds, visiting each patient. After having been there 8 months I got to know each of them very well. Of course each individual had a different style of communicating with you. When Pat had gone back to work in September my mother began staying each day at the hospital with me. If you know me, you know that I LOVE to roast and embarrass her as often as possible. One morning in particular one of the oncologists had come in to see how I was responding to a new medication they gave me to help with my horrible side effects from chemo. This male oncologist in particular always kept his head down and very rarely made eye contact with me so I decided to shock him into looking at me.

I looked at my mother then up at the doctor and said "the only new issue I am having is that I think I am growing a penis". My mother gasped and yelled my name as if she was going to punish me. The oncologist just shook his head and frowned. I could tell he wanted to laugh but somehow restrained himself from doing so. The 2 nurses however, burst out laughing. We all laughed for so long. After that day, when the morning rounds were happening I was always asked how my penis was doing and if it was growing?

Why not? Here I was 90 pounds, weak, bald, mouth sores in and outside of my mouth, down my throat, thrush in my mouth and between my butt cheeks. Certainly there is humour in there somewhere.

Ok here is a great one, well at least for my sister Debbie who literally peed her pants in my room while visiting after I shared my story with her. My husband Pat was crying tears of laughter.  We still laugh so hard when we retell the story. Warning.......This is a shit story.. In the hospital everyone is obsessed with your poop. At least 4 times a day you are asked about your poop. Did you go? How much? Consistency? I get it. Poop is an important issue as it mirrors how well your body is doing. Also they push laxatives to keep it all flowing. Pain meds bind you up. Ok having said that......

I lied to my nurses about my poop. I didn't go for days but always said I did. I was getting very uncomfortable and actually nauseated from not going. I was too embarrassed to tell them I couldn't go. My Doctor asked me during morning rounds if I felt well enough to have a 2 day pass to go home. I had at that point been in for 2 months straight. The only condition was that my bowels must be working regularly. "OF COURSE" they are!(cough cough 8 days no pooping) Woot hoot I am going home for 2 days!

While packing a few things I noticed a bottle of lactulose in my room so I quickly packed it in my bag to leave. Ok so now we are heading home and I am so excited to be outside for the first time in 8 weeks. The only catch was; I was sicker than a dog! I was so nauseated from not going to the bathroom and had a bowling ball impacted in my ass! I never said a word to anyone. I just wanted to get home to see my lil Sara and the girls.

I arrived at home and went directly to my bed to lay down. Pat jumped on the bed next to me. It was the first time we could lay together in over 2 months. Shortly after our snuggle he fell asleep so I went to the bathroom to try and hang a dump; in my own bathroom! I thought surely that would help being in my "own" bathroom.  (btw no one knew that this was a problem, not even Pat or he would have told the nurses on me.)

Push and Push, Nothing but extreme pain ...lactulose; oh ya! so I got the bottle and took 2 tablespoons and went back to lay down. Nothing. So I took 2 more tablespoons. Nothing. I got out a shot glass and filled it up; twice...... I swallowed that and went back to bed.

A short while later the gas started. What a relief to pass gas, wind, air biscuits, farts......then all of a sudden my body started to shake. All 90 pounds of me running to the bathroom for what became known in this house as the "shit storm" of 2014!! 

The toilet was so full that it flushed itself. I was so happy and it felt amazing to finally get it all out, but then something else started to happen. My stomach started to make noises like a chainsaw. My bowels were rolling so much in side of me that it felt like I was pregnant and the baby was rolling over with a severe vengeance. Round 2! Where and the hell was all of this shit coming from? I am dead serious here. After about 20 minutes it ended or so I thought....

I stood up feeling so drained and weak. I lost a lot of fluid with the bowel movements. I was dizzy and needed to lay back down. I called for Pat to help me. As he helped me up to walk back to my bed I farted...no I mean I    f a r t e d; foam. Have you ever seen the spray foam that acts like a insulation barrier? That kind of foam! I just made it to the toilet in time to make the most incredible cupcake top icing shit. It was so high in the toilet it touched my bum cheeks. Btw, this shit is not flushable. It just swirled in perfection formation 360 degrees. Just a swirling around in my toilet as the foam increased in size until it peaked outside of the bowl!

I was now laying on the floor trying to recover from loosing what felt like my entire insides while Pat is yelling "ITS FOAMING UP WHAT DO I DO?" Oh my God I started to laugh and the kind of laugh where you can't help but let it come from your entire being; the pee running down the leg sort of thing....and of course I start to fart and blow foam from the ground, while I watched the evil growing shit foam swirling around my toilet.

In the end Pat cleaned it all up and helped me shower and get back into bed. I have never experienced anything like that ever. I could not believe how much shit I actually had in me. Yes I have always been full of shit but no one can ever say that now; trust me. My only regret of that day was not taking the lactulose it was not taking a picture of it and video taping my poor husband cleaning it and me.  

When my 2 day pass expired I had to return to the hospital. After that I was honest with my nurses about whether I pooped or not. I did however keep the bottle at home just in case I ever run into "problems" again and well if I ever decide to pull a prank on Pat and add some to his coffee. Ha ha ha.

When I told Debbie the story while she visited we laughed so hard we all cried; she even peed her pants. The best part about that day was that I was feeling depressed and scared about having to start my next round of chemo. Again I found myself escaping my reality by laughing. This is what I do. It works for me. Yes my story is gross but look past the heap of poop swirling around my toilet and find the joy of the memory we shared. Despite all the horrible things you go through there has to be some moments that are just so ridiculous that you have to laugh.

Thanks for reading! 

Have a great poop..... I mean day.

~Christine~

Knock Knock....

Let's just say that hearing the word cancer from your doctor can be enough of a trauma without even starting the "medical journey" you face. When death is at your door it is an incredibly surreal experience. Each person that has to deal with the reality that they are in fact terminal will react in many different ways but ultimately I believe that bottom line they all think...."fuck". 


I know that everyone has experienced a loss and have had grief over losing someone they love but, it's not the same feeling of grief when facing your own mortality. I know first hand. I have had a few, yes, a few times in the past decade of being at deaths' door. Thankfully on 2 occasions I was not completely aware of just how close I was to dying. In this state I was unaware of what was happening to me, and yet I knew. It is incredibly difficult to put to words...... Although I can remember emphatically there was a warm and comforting feeling that took over my physical and mental state. 


To be really honest with you I was scared to death and to this day I have crying spells just thinking about it. This experience has inspired me to be honest with you about my journey. I am sharing my experience with others in hopes that:

1) I personally can heal from it 

2) I want to reach out to others who have experienced hearing that their lives will end. I want to understand how you feel and identify with your emotions. 

I will say this; having a support system in your life helps immensely. This is when you can really evaluate who should be in your circle of care. POSITIVE influential people to help guide you. Speaking with a counselor or clergy is helpful as some of the things you wish to speak of may be too difficult for family and friends to hear. I personally felt a great relief after speaking to the social worker. I really let it all out with her especially my anger about how unfair I felt my situation was. When I had the opportunity to speak with my priest I didn't go easy on him either but in the end he gave me wonderfully spiritual advice that ultimately allowed my "legitimate" anger to subside. 

It was difficult at times for me to remain focused on ME and how I felt because I was so consumed with how every one else was dealing with my illness. I realized for me to remain sane I had to be and needed to be in control of my needs. I wanted my voice to be heard and my directions to be followed 100%. When you have a good supportive group this will happen. I am forever grateful to the family and friends I had by my side making sure that I was respected and allowed to hold my dignity.(especially you Pat)

We will all face death. Like the saying goes; no one gets out of here alive. We know it, we see it and yet we live our lives convinced that we are invincible. We don't allow ourselves to cater to the thoughts of facing death; your own death  until it stands in front of you. 

Despite the fact that I "pulled" through an immediate situation does not negate the fact that I experienced having to accept my fate. Saying good bye or thinking you will have to.... all while enduring physical pain was confusing and terribly terrifying. The physical pain I felt certainly compromised my thought process. 

 I recall at one point being alone in the room with my daughters and speaking honestly and openly about death. I was able to  draw on the conversations I had previously had with my social worker. This was a huge saving grace for me. I was ready to apologize to my babies for being sick but those words never formulated. Instead "Christine" and the three mini me's started to laugh at how fucked my situation was. We giggled about my baldness. We made fun of their dad and how they were going to be stuck with him. We talked about my funeral wishes and even that was a joke....laughing so hard we cried as my oldest daughter had asked if she could make a device at the front of the coffin so that when people knelt at my coffin somehow either my hand would raise and wave or that my voice would play "see you later alligator".

To this day I am so very grateful for having had this day with them. One day they will have to deal with my death and I know they will recall that amazing day and maybe just maybe, it will lessen their load of grief.

 I do wonder about their weddings and my grand babies. What if I never see these things? How will they handle my absence? Truth is they will handle it just fine. I look at it like this. On their wedding day if I am not there, yes, someone will bring me up and yes there  will be tears but guess what? My absence will not interfere with them moving on with life. The day of all days like a wedding or a birth of a child it will be about them and not me. Life moves on with or without you. And you know what....That comforts me. The joy they will experience will not cease because of me not being there. Because I know this to be true it hurts a lot less and it grants me the opportunity to avoid thinking or dwelling about their future.

 In the meantime  I continue to guide them where and when I can and our relationship is taken one day at a time. With each milestone they reach in my existence I am grateful for it; I just do not allow myself to bargain for me to see more, it's too painful.

When it comes right down to it no one wants to die or fathom going through the actual transition of death...but at some point I assure you it will happen.

Knowing you are going to die is one thing but hearing when and how you will die is completely different. The pressure to put things into perspective in unbearable considering every facet of life gets called into question. Where do you start the process of acceptance when you are dealing with such devastating news?

The purpose of this blog entry is to help get you started on the idea of how you want to live out your limited days on earth. Please don't wait until you hear that you are terminal to try to make a go at a happy life. Do it now! Knowledge of my imminent death enriches the grace and gratitude I have for each day.

I hope this entry is helpful or hopeful....I really wanted to talk about knowing you are dying because I have been there and am there now. I just can't put the words together to describe the experience other than it sucks and I am angry. BUT..... I am also very happy and blessed by the knowledge as well, because I want my days left to be filled with quality and not just a quantity of empty wasted days. Take the time to think about it, leave a comment. Share your experience or thoughts on this matter.

P.S Jimmy I love your strength, your courage and your determination to leave nothing but great memories behind. I am sorry buddy I just wish I could throat punch cancer. You are right. Fuck Cancer. Every time I see that and hear it I will always think of you.

Your Friend xo

~Christine~

The Day Has Finally Arrived...

Well I guess the day has finally arrived. A day  that I have wondered about for an awful long time.

What day... you ask? What is the significance of February 6th 2016? No anniversaries or announcements. Nothing; nothing that will alter your day,but for me it is everything.I was worried it would never arrive.My very being has hungered for this day to present itself. The day that I would decide to actually fight to live. Since 2014 I have anxiously anticipated "the" day that would kick start the redirection of my thoughts of hopelessness and despair. I am Determined to make a go at, this whole "living" thing. June 13th 2014 I was dealt another medical blow; Acute Leukemia, I have not felt alive since. Today marks the spot. From here on I shall persevere! 

I woke up feeling like I should take on the world and create a meaningful, purposeful life.Not the life I "had"; a new one. I want absolutely nothing to do with her. I am no longer that Christine...after all I have endured she is no longer there. Everything is different in my life I am a new person. My standards have changed, my drive is unique and that baby went out with the bath water.

June 13th 2014 a lot of the old Christine died. I lost my entire ability to look on or see the bright side of life. I laid in a hospital bed for 8 months and since my release one year ago I have remained in bed. I basically have slept an entire year of my life away.My body and my spiritual self shut down. Living and dying at the same time is extremely difficult to manage. This state of existence brought my mind and spirit to a very screwed up place.

The mind with this type of thinking is a dangerous place to be, in fact if I brought you there we would need body guards to protect us. It is that scary. For the past 20 months I have walked my past and relived and replayed every single thing I have done and have failed to do. Kind of self punishing I guess.I question my past choices and wonder what the key ingredient was to my demise. Why this? Why that? Is it a curse? Karma? Did I do something to truly deserve this? Uggg. No I did not find the answer.


I have purposefully and with great thought have had the chance to look outside of myself and I have found a tremendous amount of forgiveness. There is not a single soul on this earth that I have hatred or ill feelings towards. Truthfully that part was very easy to do. Conversely I was unable to forward the good will to me..Christine. Wow it has been hard to accept my life. I wonder about the choices I have made and curiously wonder if by chance my choices have lead me here.

Cancer is a fudged up thing. I questioned whether Cancer could have been caused by stress, poor choices growing up,do I have cancer because my mother didn't nurse me?(ha ha always gotta have a lick at the mother thing-she loves it). It's just luck of the draw and I got a shitty hand, it's life". Yup it's just that a real #ucken shitty ass hand.It sucks to be me.

For the past year I haven't existed, not to you,not to my family; hell not even to me. My daily routine is the exact same everyday. IV for hours, sleep, medication, eat, shower out of necessity to satisfy my husbands desire to no longer smell my pits, eat, IV for hours then sleep. Rinse well and repeat.

My greatest of accomplishments this past year have been to have breakfast 3 times with a dear friend, cook dinner (only because others want to eat)shower and every other Saturday I grocery shop with my husband. My bedroom is my sanctuary. I quite literally live in it. I hate leaving my bed. I am in a happy loving relationship with her. She always brings me comfort, joy and she gets me. 

Truth is I want to write a letter to the Olympic committee to have them grant permission to enter a new Olympic event; sleep. However, I am too tired to pen the letter.

 (Gold Medal for Canada. I guarantee it.)

Today is the very first time I have opened my laptop in over a year. I have not had the want, need or desire to write, read or care enough to do so. My cell phone has facebook, on the rare occasion I will browse the news feed. I don't comment on photos, or status updates and I certainly haven't been a good friend as a whole year of birthdays have gone by and well I suck....Happy Birthday everyone on facebook, hope you got spoiled, drunk or whatever people do on their birthdays. My birthday came and I couldn't have cared less. Pat went out of his way to make an incredible dinner and cake just for me. In my mind it was just another day except that I actually had to get dressed.Big girls clothes, no pj's.

Facebook friends let me be really honest and perhaps you may appreciate my take on things. (Will know later when I check the number of friends I have). Facebook is a catalyst for depression and anxiety. Seriously people it has turned into such a negative source of human nature. Hate, bullying, bragging, anger throat punching ecards. I hate arabs, I hate the government, I hate my co workers oh and the status updates that I LOVE the most are desperate cries for attention....wait for it wait for it..yup there it is "oh God no! please pray for me" 20 comments of outreach and you are no where to be found! I am panicking because I am not sure if we need to get to your house to take the noose off of your head before your family comes home and then wham; there it is."Oh nothing, just a bad day". Do you even stop and think about the impact you have on others? If you don't want to comment or share what is happening in your life DON'T POST a fishing bait hook to see who is out there? These truly truly without a doubt cause me to be full of anxiety and rage. Facebook used to be so uplifting. I loved all the connecting that transpired. Sadly, I had to walk away from it. I always somehow managed to feel depressed after my news feed browse.


Here is a brutally honest feeling. I struggle with seeing so many of my family and friends living and doing and going here and there...I am jealous. Envious or jealous, either way it sucks to be sick and not able to do anything. I know many live life and totally take it for granted, most people do. Human Nature I guess. "Oh Christine I almost died last week, the flu had me in bed for 2 friggen days" I am like.... here is a box of tissue. Tomorrow I am going to sell my house give you the money and send you on a super vacation to help you deal with the stress of it. Can you be sick and feel shitty about it? Absolutely! But I have had flu like symptoms every single day and have since June of 2014. I understand but you don't. Bitchy eh? I know I am sorry.

DON'T TAKE YOUR HEALTH FOR GRANTED

I repeat 

DON'T TAKE YOUR HEALTH FOR GRANTED

So today February 6th 2016 it is different. I accept my nausea,my dizziness, my pain and my non tolerance for anything that can bring me down and am breaking my routine of sleep all day. I have been up for 6 hours and sitting in another part of my home; not my bed. I have showered and have gotten dressed. Achievements to no one but me. I will take that. I want to and desperately need to exist and exist in a different way. I can't live and die everyday. I can't do it. 

The mindset has to change and I must focus on reinventing Christine. My boundaries are very different for me now as I am not able to handle much at this point. I have a difficult time relating to people as my thought process is a bit skewed. My list of limitations is longer than I would like, adjusting to this is taxing. I used to be so active and full of bountiful energy and drive. I used to be a lot of things, but that is ok because now I have a lifetime of lessons learned and the "now" Christine will never go back to the way things were. I feel like crying, did I just break up with myself? What is happening? No Christine don't leave me.......

See you back here tomorrow! Please help get my blog back to where it belongs. Leave a comment or share my thoughts. Let's all pretend to give a shit about what I have to say.Oh and it is true, my mother never breast fed me :(

~Christine~