Despair & Addiction

I recently spent the day with a young family member whom I love deeply. She is a person in my life that I have loved like one of my own since the moment she was born. She has always had a personal struggle in her life and has been disadvantaged emotionally. It has kept her from reaching her own expectations of what life should be. I know she longs to be “happy” and yet fails to see where her happiness should be. Or even the ability for that matter to see or understand what “happiness” looks like. Despite what the world sees as the obvious reasons she should be happy; she is not. She finds no comfort in the support system in which she has. I will say that at times her support system of friends and or family can also be a failing system; but the fact remains that her “system” is a real viable stable support.

I cannot determine what a blessing is for her or dictate what she should be happy about, never the less I will have to find a way to help her see what she may not be able to. Her demons are great but what she fails to see is that she has already risen above them and won; truth. However they have somehow been allowed to manifest inside right at the very core of who she has become. Her view is not only skewed but it is jaded and cynical. Depression has captured her. She has not chosen to give up on life; she has simply chosen to keep the pain of her existence alive. She chooses to feed the power of her depression by adding to her pile. Decisions made are only to hurt not help her. Her mind set is to keep herself in a position that mirrors what her life has become. There is great comfort in what we know even when it is negative. To step outside of that comfort zone would actually require one to change the behavior or the mind set to get better or be happy.

The love she has for her children is immeasurable and yet on the surface you can stand in judgment of her and say she does not love them. The difficulty truly lies with the fact that the love she has for herself IS measurable; choices made indicate that her self love and respect is almost nonexistent. So how can you possibly expect her to love her children in any different fashion than she is capable of? Children are a blessing from God; yes, but they are also an incredible amount of pressure and burden when they need to feed off of an emotionally stable person who cannot even show up in their own life. Children serve as reminders of where we are as parents. It can be excruciating to see hear and feel what our children see, feel and express. The reminders of her mistakes viewed through her children’s eyes weigh heavy on her already fragile emotional state. Depression is now deeper. She begins to look for happiness in places that come fast easy and free; instant pleasures, instant acceptance, instant love. The high from the gratitude of escaping her pain is addictive, so she seeks it out at all costs. The cost is overwhelming as the instant feel good is now an instant toss back to the reality of nothingness. The quest to find the fast escape becomes the mission, nothing else matters. Escape is the only reality in her pain.

The war is not against the demons inside her any longer; the war is now against her own lines of which she will cross to consume her instant gratification. The hunger to escape is now the monster in which she has befriended. She allows her addiction to dictate her coping skills. With each line she crosses the anger intensifies and she knows that she has sold herself out for a quick easy fix. The anger and resentment with her own self adds to the heap of shit that already exists in a shit fuck of a life.

We stand there and yell at her to get her shit together, and demand that she change, get help, get rehabilitated….it falls on deaf ears. Why? Why can’t you see what you are doing? Why don’t you put your children first? Why can’t you see what you have right here in your life that is good? What is WRONG with you? Black and blue in the face yelling, it will not change where she is. She needs to be the one that is hungry for change, hungry for happiness enough that she chases it. Right now that path is too hard to take, change in her view of her life and its meaning requires a strength she does not have. I cannot lend her my strength nor can anyone. Yelling at her only shames her and deepens the wedge between facing her issues and running from them. There is NOTHING WRONG with her…… she is broken!

All I want to do is love her, just grab a big blanket and wrap her up and rock her until she loves herself enough to get off my lap and return to her life. Truth is I don’t want her to return to the life she has. IT DOES NOT WORK! Her life does not work. She needs to know that coming out of “rehabilitation” that life will be different. Yes it will require her determination to continue with good choices but seeing the work that needs to be done after fighting demons ….is it too much?

I love this girl like one of my own children and want so desperately to reach inside of her and fix her, but my hands are tied. I even feel that my words of encouragement or reason are just wasted verbiage on an already over processed individual. I weep for her and yet feel a rage run through me as I want to help her see that life is worth fighting for; she is blind. I am in the same boat as her in terms of fighting a disease that threatens our mortality. Her addiction…. is my cancer. I fight.......... but my fight is to keep my opponent in the corner of the ring, her fight can be won completely and utterly. 

I struggle with loving people that think nothing of the value of their own existence and mock the power of surviving life long enough to grow old and enjoy the bountiful joy that it holds. I hold my contempt for her at bay believing or hoping that she will rise up and seize her day. Perhaps I have no right to judge whether her fight is easier than mine…. I just want to see her win and not live a life in vain.

Today she begins the journey (again) to recovery. I am pained knowing that her journey will be long and hard and I hope and pray to God she realizes that she is worth the war. There are no magic undo buttons in life, there is no way possible to erase her past, but if she continues on the path she is on now…….. she will erase her future and create a past for her children and everyone else she leaves behind.

I love you and believe in you…..

~Christine~

Cross Road????

Recently I was speaking to someone that has known me for over 35 years and while engaging in a wonderfully honest conversation about life ...... more specifically my life; I realized that I am at a cross road . I know what road I need to take  ...where the difficulty lays is that the road itself is missing! Ha, now how the hell does that happen? So am I really at a cross road and should I keep walking until I find the right road? Or, and here is the biggest struggle. Do I create my own road? What happens if I keep walking and I never find the road I think is mine, or did I already walk past it?.....Holy Hell I sound messed up don’t I ?

Well I am not. In fact I think I am the most sane I have been in days, weeks ..... even months. During the conversation with this person (Patsy cough cough) I have known more than 3 quarters of  my life...she asked me many questions about some of the choices I have made, and with each response I gave she asked me why I answer everything with a “it was because....” and then I mentioned my spouses name or one of my children’s names. Very rarely did I say it was because “it was right for me”. At first I shrugged my shoulders in my usual defensive screw you kind of way...but then after 6 kazillion times of her saying this I broke down and cried. I realized that not every decision I have made that has been  a benefit to my family has actually been good for me. Big deal right?  Pffft! Parents do that every day......... it is called sacrifice! However for me, when it comes to some of the choices in particular ....the word sacrifice should be replaced by the word insanity..... And now because I am thinking clear and know what path I want to take I am pissed at myself because I may have actually seen that road a few times over the past decade or so.....and now I wonder if it will reveal itself at the next turn or will I have to lay the concrete down and recreate it myself?

(Deep breath)

I am a mom and I am quite confident that we are supposed to take a back seat to our own needs and wants. Our considerations come secondary to that of our children’s....I have no ill thoughts or feelings towards putting my children first ever.................but I do wish that I would learn how to put myself first along side of them. Now had I not gotten sick.... I may not have an issue as to where I am today and may not ever have a reason to look back and regret the choices made.......but I did get sick, and my perception has changed and in fact my thoughts of my whole life are now slightly jaded. Most of us never think about the “what ifs” in life until we are faced with a life altering experience.

So my dilemma now is to figure out how I create my path/road and how to strike a balance with my family. If I am being honest most days I want to pack a bag and run away and fulfill every last adventure I have ever dreamed of. Reality, (damn you reality) will not allow me to do so! 

There are many things that I wish I could do before I die, but reality is I can’t. But there are many things I can do that perhaps had not been a consideration in past thoughts. Before I knew I was sick I had grandiose thoughts of what I wanted to accomplish or do with my life. Now that I am sick my thoughts are profoundly different. My list of important things to do HAS changed; mostly because of the things in life that I now see differently.  I have decided to go back to school in January which is a choice that I will benefit from. Firstly it will keep my mind on something other than the dreary days I face and secondly it is for me and only me. My other mission is to lend myself and my experiences to others. I feel that my life as colourful as it has been can serve to assist others. That may sound a bit self righteous to think that I can help others, but I don’t mean to imply that I have all the answers to life’s problems, it is simply that I understand human nature a bit better now. I have the willingness to work through difficult situations with others. I believe that absolutely everything I have endured has given me the insight into assisting others. I just need a platform to do so. I have often thought of starting a support group from women. SSSH...The Secret Society of Sisterhood, a group setting where women can unload about absolutely everything. 

People always say God never gives us more than we can handle...I am in disagreement with this statement. God never imposes the shit we endure, ever. God relies on us to ask for assistance to get us through the turbulent times. That is where we come in... Our lives were never meant to be in vain. What I mean by that is survival. Whatever we live through is an opportunity to help someone else live through it. Otherwise our very existence is in vain. We as humans are supposed to share and assist. The problem is that we live in such a cynical, judgmental harsh society that individuals become reclusive and quite often suffer in silence. The cross road that I face is more of a moral dilemma. I personally have experienced many hardships not only because of my own poor choices but also at times I have fallen victim to others. I have been yelled at by my best friend so many times about my “lack of filtering skills” when it comes to others. Problem is; I am a hopeful romantic. Not just about love but people in general. I choose to see only the good in people; sometimes to a fault, but I am not sure I regret it.... at least not yet. I truly have a hard time believing that people truly want to hurt others, I think they just haven’t been taught to properly love or be loved unconditionally.

Why should I care? I wonder that sometimes, but I just do. My advocating tendencies have been there for as long as I can remember. That may explain my love for Politics and Social Justice. As soon as I hear about a problem someone is having I instantly feel compelled to fix it. I don’t sleep well knowing others struggle. It is difficult to watch the news, as it depresses me knowing I can’t do a damn thing to really make a difference. So I have learned to stay politically aware about the goings on in the world but limit my exposure to it. 

I do know the path/road that I want to be on, the path to continued growth both mentally and spiritually. I am laying the bricks as we speak! haha. The idea of putting myself first, alongside my family is exciting.  

I don’t want my life to be in vain...I have survived many things in my 40 years and want to know that my fight to win/survive was for more than just me. I guess my "cross road" is not so much about what path I will take, it is more about who will take it with me. More over who will I meet along the way?

~Christine~

Hitch Hiker Conversation...

On Sunday this past week I was traveling down a major street where I live and noticed a man walking on the side of the road. He had his thumb perched out of his fist hoping to secure a ride. I glanced over at him and continued to drive by while ignoring his plea for a lift. I drove about a block down the street and felt an incredible amount of shame and guilt for driving past him, so I turned around and went back to offer him a ride. Despite all the flags that were going off in my head about picking up a strange and quite a large man I might add, I just did it. As I approached him to offer the ride, even he looked at me with skepticism. He opened the car door and got in. I asked him where he was going and it turns out we were heading to the same place. We both sat quiet for the first km or so, I then asked him how he was. He quickly responded, “I am in a really bad place”. He then proceeded to tell me the summary of his life which took about 4 minutes, like a well rehearsed story teller. He left out all the small details and emotion but pretty much got most of his woes in there. I felt compelled to say something or at least identify with him on some of the issues he was expressing, but I remained quiet and just listened instead. I had a hard time not crying. Not that his life was all that bad, but for some reason his pain or frustration was overwhelming and I felt like somehow there was more. His pain seemed much deeper.

Job loss, repossessed car, divorce, child custody issues, no family ties.... you get the picture. Despite the fact that his problems only mirrored a few of my dilemmas I felt as if he was poking at the bruises I have deep within me. After we arrived at our destination he turned to me and asked me why I felt compelled to pick him up. He expressed his confusion as to why a woman “like me” (whatever that meant) would pick up a stranger, no less a man. I laughed and responded by telling him, “I just needed the company.” It was true; I was feeling awfully shitty on Sunday and quite enjoyed the adrenaline of picking up a hitch hiker. Not that I have a death wish or anything!!! Ahhahaha. We sat in the car for at least another ½ hour just chatting about life and the hard ships that many people face. It turns out it was quite therapeutic for me.

In the end this is what came of my hitch hiking encounter.... I engaged with someone I would never have met unless I had picked him up. He shared with me some of his problems and I listened. His voice was heard. Maybe just maybe there was a reason for it.

Turns out.....there was, just as he was about to leave my car he started to weep. He turned to me and said I just found out on Friday that I have cancer. My heart dropped; I desperately held back my tears. I held his hand and assured him that he would get through it just fine. Now I am not certain he will.... I just said the first thing that came to mind. He asked me “haven’t I been through enough? I could have shared my own story with him but I didn’t. Not that I didn’t want to, it is just that it was not the appropriate time. It was his moment to unload; I just let him do that. I gave him my email address and let him know that he could contact me if he ever needed to talk. He  halfheartedly threw it in his pocket and again thanked me for the ride. After he exited my car I sat in awe and wondered if I did the right thing by not telling him my own story to perhaps offer some encouragement to him. For some reason I just could not find the energy to share that day. I continued with my day but felt an incredible amount of guilt and anguish as perhaps I was supposed to share? I am not sure. When I went to bed Sunday night I fell asleep thinking about this man and wondered if he would ever contact me.

This morning I was off to get blood work and found myself sitting amongst other patients when I looked up and saw my hitch hiking friend. He was being toured around the clinic by a Cancer Society Volunteer. I wasn’t sure if he would recognize me so I did not make any gestures towards him. A few minutes later he walked over to me and bent down and hugged me. We held each other for a few seconds before we both started to cry. He whispered “I guess God does work in mysterious ways”... He sat down beside me and we immediately engaged in a conversation. I told him that I had not stopped thinking about him since Sunday and he uttered the same sentiment. I apologized to him for not giving him any supportive words when we spoke on Sunday. He corrected me and said, “You did, your silence was support and only someone who has been through a lot knows that listening is sometimes all we need”.

I wanted to share this absolutely incredible story today as I felt it was a true testament to what I wrote about yesterday! Sharing is so very important! I guess sharing also means listening.......I am amazed with all of the opportunities that I am presented along my journey. Although my opinions of others can be jaded on occasion, I do believe that God keeps putting "the right" people on my path for a reason. I will probably never see this man again but am thankful I met him. He reminded me that my words are more than words, but in fact they are living proof that when we reach out there is always someone there. Some skeptics will say it was a coincidence that this happened, but true believers know that this was a premeditated encounter by someone who was either looking out for him or ME!

~Christine~