Is that a..........light?

I have been standing either at the bottom of a hole.... or at the very back of a tunnel full of despair and darkness for so long that I am not sure if the faint brightness I see is actually a light/a ray of hope  or my imagination.... I got fantastic news this week with respect to my cancer, ‘things are looking good’ he said. I can’t tell you what he said after that because the tears from my eyes flooded my ears. From that statement on my oncologist sounded like an underwater cartoon character while speaking to me. All I can tell you is that...... I feel like I am on cloud nine, in fact I may need someone to come to my home and pinch me ;).

This past month has been the most incredibly enlightening period to date. I have finally broken free from the shackles of misery, depression and hopelessness. Truth is hearing the news about my cancer was only the icing on my cake. This past 5 weeks I have dealt with more than I have in years combined, and yet I am the happiest I have been in years! I know this is a very gross analogy but, my life was like a swelling zit. You know the kind that hurts like hell to touch; it swells but never reveals a head to pop....ya that was my life! Then all of a sudden all the ooze popped! There it was everything all at once, and I am glad! It is all out in the open and I can see and deal with all the toxic bacteria that were lurking inside the festering painful zit. All that is left to do is wipe up the mess. This is easier to do considering it is all out to be dealt with. Revealed!!!!!!

Being sick for so long has weighed on me so heavily. The burden of feeling the cold barrel of a gun at the back of my head always, impaired my ability to make good decisions for myself and for those around me. Coupled with financial stress and a strained marriage....oh boy, life was tough living. Most days were hard to start..... in fact most days I just wanted the comfort of my bed and magic hiding covers to help me vanish from my responsibilities. Even though it was tough to get up I forced myself to do it. 

Here I am today celebrating the light I finally see at the end of my tunnel. (Oh shit....stay away from the light, stay away from the light!) kidding.....

I found the greatest thing that has ever happened to me was hitting the bottom of the barrel....no I did not drink myself to the bottom of the barrel .....from here I am only able to go up! About 2 weeks ago I read a friends facebook status, usually I don’t get too moved by quotes, but for some strange reason this one felt like a slap in the face literally! “if you find yourself in a hole the very first thing to do is stop digging.” That hit me like a wide open tennis racquet size hand. Wow it was true. The hole I am in ...I dug (not alone but.....) I certainly participated in my own demise.I threw away my shovel and am thanking GOD I read that and allowed myself to be moved by that quote.I will never ever allow myself to dig or be digged, dugged, whatever.....

 My life is changing; no it’s evolving into something I have longed for, for a very long time. I am as excited as hell! From the stand point of where I am exactly at this moment today.....I would not change one thing about my past, not one thing! The sight of what I am looking straight ahead at would not be as bright or bountiful had I not experienced everything I have to date.

I am also so very grateful to the people in my life that reach out to me with well wishes, and hugs and support that most days I don’t deserve....I am truly blessed. My journey with cancer is far from over but my perspective of my fight has changed, the pressure has decreased with the news that my scans look good! I feel like I won a battle. The sense of pride that I carry today for fighting and winning is incredible! Follow the light........follow the light......lol

~Christine~