Day 19-Hardship

When we experience hardship of any fashion in life many times we feel like we are all alone. Hardships are not measured in any form, nor is there a scale to weigh them.

A lot of times I will be with a person who is sharing with me and right in the middle of the conversation they will stop and say “I have no right to complain, given what you are going through”. I never know what to say in return. I will tell you how I feel when this happens. It truthfully makes me feel horrible; and that is for many reasons. …I will list but a few

1-    My life should not be a comparison to yours in any way…Hardships are hard no matter what 
2-    Pain is pain regardless from where it stems from

    3-I feel defeated during the conversation as I feel (at times) that acknowledge that my life “appears” to be harder than that of another person ….my internalization is that my own situation is dire in your opinion.

I don’t want to hear that and I also don’t want to be the measure of whether or not your life is good or worse. Sharing is not about allowing another person to walk away from the conversation either feeling better because their own problem is not as big as mine, and nor should a person walk away from a conversation feeling that their own problem is too big… Lord knows I don’t want to spend time with people who inadvertently feel better about their own lives because they just sat with me and feel I am worse of then them…. 

No matter what hardships are just hard. Hardships are hardships and pain is pain period. I CANNOT say that enough!

Each of us have different thresholds of stress, pain, hardship and just because I have weathered a few more storms than you does not mean your threshold is “tolerable”…they are the same no matter how big or small your stress is. You have to accept your hardships and difficulties in life to be in a position to deal effectively with them. You can’t down play how you feel or how you hurt, especially because someone else may have had a harder time or harder life. 

How many times have you yourself tried to help someone who is struggling by saying “well at least you are not like so and so”… or "I lost someone as well, you will get over it". Ok so now you have in a nonchalant but very direct way said “put your big boy pants on and get over it.” Did you mean it to sound that way? Of course not…but you did.

When someone is in a position to share with you how they feel, don’t interrupt them and tell them why they shouldn’t feel that way or shame them for feeling that their cross is too heavy to bare. Do we not do this with our children? “get over it”, “it’s no big deal” “don’t cry” “suck it up” ……  a 5 year old child who lost their favourite blankie…might have as much pain as a 45 year old man who just lost his job…. Who is to say it’s not the same?

We all have hardships that are not the same in nature but the feeling of helplessness is something we all share while experiencing them. So the big question is…”how do you handle or deal with hardship?” The answer to that is different for every situation, however no matter what it is you face you have ‘got’ to face it head on with the same magnitude of strength that the hardship is causing. AND surround yourself with people that will help you get over it ….. or, at least even out the playing field that you are battling on. 

You are not alone in your struggles and should NEVER face things alone. EVER. How do I know this to be true? I have been fighting for a long time alone…..and I have YET to win a battle. You can’t do it alone. Find someone anyone to face your hardship with you.  How many times in your life have you heard someone say to you “OH my God, why didn’t you tell me you were going through that?” “Oh My God I can’t believe you went through that and I didn’t know”…….I have and let me tell you this I don’t feel any better after hearing that…I would have felt better hearing “ok how do WE get through this?”

It’s called finding faith in something, facing your fears then sharing and then comes the really hard part…...healing. Find a support system for you.

Ever hear the expression “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” well how about “what doesn’t kill you eats away at you until you are weak”. That is where I sit; the very insides of me feel like they are being gnawed at all the time. Cancer; pffffft that has nothing on my hardships! In fact some days I look at my cancer as being the icing on my poo poo flour cake. 

Of course I always think of cancer as being another part of me and not a complete part of me…weird, I do not ever think of it as “whole” problem but rather a single problem in my bag of ism’s…besides isn’t cancer just a word anyway… many problems I have faced have been a cancer to me ha in fact I have even met a few people that ARE Cancer. (not nice but true…...at least no names)

What I am trying to get at is this…stop believing that your hardship is too big to share or way too small to matter. It isn’t up to you to decide the weight of its burden! You have the right to feel however you want about your own hardship or pain level. What is NOT allowed is that you carry its weight alone. Hardships are the stories that allow us to be in a position to share with others. And you know what happens when we share…….we find comfort, acceptance and love for ourselves. Sometimes we even learn how to appreciate other people for what they have been through and survived in their life. Food for thought.

~Christine~

Day 20-Inspiration

Like me most of you; have people in our life that inspire us to be happier, healthier and encourage us to reach a higher purpose in life. I have had the fortunate opportunity of meeting several people in my lifetime that has had a profound impact on my life journey. 

Each of them has changed me in different ways, as I have been able to draw particular qualities from each of them. These qualities have enriched my life and consequently I feel that I am a better person for it.

It is funny how we look back on our lives and recall events as far back as when we were children and all of a sudden a light bulb in our head goes off. You know that “a ha” moment….when you all of a sudden get the lesson or the understanding as to why that person said or did what they did… and now suddenly you have a new found level of respect for that person. I have had plenty of moments like that recently. 

My mind has been on overtime; even while sleeping I dream of people, places and fantasize of meetings and conversations that I had enjoyed; and also wish to have with others.  I have always been that person who enjoys conversation especially …..with perfect strangers. Some of my closest confidants have been individuals that my own husband and children have never met. I could write a book about some of the characters I have engaged with; trust me. To me, one of the greatest feelings is knowing that someone has trusted me with their “story or journey”. I have Listened to a grown man tell me his darkest deepest fears, and a woman close to death share her regrets…..not only has it been a blessing but also a form of inspiration to me, as I have taken their words and used them to change things about my own life before it is too late. These individuals have been an inspiration to me.

I was quite young when I got married relative to these days; I was 20. My husband and I moved out of the community and began our life just the two of us. I knew only one thing for sure and that was that I loved him and would spend the rest of my life with him…but I had NOO idea who I was. When I look back I can’t believe what I took on at such an early age. I was feisty and ready to take on the world back then. I had no idea of what I wanted to do or be in my life; I just knew it would be huge. (ha ha who doesn’t at that age)..

I recall sitting at a School Board meeting with my husband listening to the budget cuts for that school year as the program he was teaching may or may not have been cut; which would have meant he most likely would lose his job. We sat in great anticipation and eventual relief as the program would be saved. As I sat in the room I could feel the power and energy; I wanted it. For the next year and a half I continued to attend Board meetings every other Tuesday in hopes of learning more about the process. My goal was to attain that position; of power. I was 23 years old and 7 months pregnant when I declared my candidacy for School Board Trustee. What a campaign! Yes I did win…. In many ways. My love for politics and for “being a voice” for others is one of my greatest passions.

Here is a throw back of 23 years and pregnant.. ha ha

Sidebar: I still cannot think back on those days without laughing at how I believed that I would make changes, like somehow we would all work together and solve problems. What a wakeup call that was! Call it naivetés, stupidity or ignorance I  just had no idea what politics was truly about. Like I said before I loved the” me” at 5…I think I liked me at 23 as well. I now know I had some pretty big balls back then. (LOL)

That first experience of being a representative allowed me to find something in me that I did not know existed, my love for people; all people. I am an advocate; which is also one of my bad qualities as well…let me explain. I am that person who listens to others; but also listens with my tool box in hand always wanting to fix. That quality is not always the best quality to have. I have written about toxic people before as well as my inability to recognize when individuals are just there for the taking.  

While my children were young we traveled across the province on a weekly basis. Meetings, speeches, rallies you name it we were there. My little sign carrying hippie babies! Ha ha ha. Of course once you get involved you realize that one societal issue is never in isolation and before you know it you find yourself trying to change everything. How exhausting.  I was a spitfire! 

Writing letters to the editor, and eventually I became a regular contributor to CBC and morning radio call in shows. I laugh when I think of the girls coming into my office while I was on the phone; I had a cabinet filled with treats and when one would walk by I would just hand out a fruit roll up or cookie before they got a chance to speak! All of my children should be huge in size, as I was on the phone A LOT!

At the time the big political writers; Maude Barlow and Linda Mc Quaig had an incredible impact on me. I had the pleasure of listening to them speak several times. I admire both of them for showing me at a young age that I too could make a difference. Now having said that, I am cooking dinner one night and the kids were playing with Pat. They were screaming so loud I almost didn’t hear the phone ring. “Hi is this Christine…I am not sure if you know who I am but this is Linda Mc Quaig”……. I started whipping shit at Pat and the kids to shut the hell up. I could not believe my ears. You know ….she actually called me to tell me that she had heard about a movement that I started and read some of my work and wanted to thank me and encourage me. All I can say is that it was one of the most brilliant days I could have….until Maude Barlow also contacted me….. You may have read their books or listened to their take on politics and truthfully it does not matter where you stand politically, these women are an inspiration to me. I don’t agree with everything they say or do however, they have both risen to their own level of success/accomplishments. As women….in a world of politics. Unbelievable inspirations in my life.

I continued for several years with my attack on City Council and eventual Provincial Involvement with various parties but eventually I decided to “take a break” and stay home for a while with my kids. I miss this aspect of my life desperately, especially when I watch the news and see Cabinet Ministers speaking and I think to myself wow….I knew that person before they were even elected! Whether you like the party they belong to or not…there is still a level of pride that they made it.

Throwback 26 and just finished being pregnant again...(LOL)

When the leader of the Federal NDP; Lack Layton died I was devastated. He passed away from cancer but that is not the only reason I am so sad; he died before he got a chance to sit in power of Formal Opposition Leader. I knew him when he was a City Councillor in Toronto, and walked many times with him handing out food to the homeless. He was a great, great man. He was and continues to be someone who has inspired me, regardless of his political affiliation. He was a truly a man that loved serving his fellow man. I am honoured to have known him.

Peg Martin was a woman that inspired me to no end. She is now one of my guardian angels…I believe that. Peg was old enough to be my mother but I called her friend. I enjoyed her company; her soft spoken voice and her beautiful mannerisms would capture my attention like no other. I hung on every word that woman ever shared with me. Her passing was so heart wrenching as I felt she had the ability to teach me so much more. She inspired me to never give up hope; even amongst the darkest of known outcomes. To you she is just a name and like many that pass away from cancer yet another statistic….to me she was an inspiration if only just to me.

My BEAUTIFUL Peg xoxoxo

I worry about my daughters in that I worry about who they will meet in their lifetime that will inspire them. Let’s face it we are in different times… Where are all the great and spiritual leaders of today? Yes I was too young to remember Rosa Parks and Martin Luther King Jr, JFK…..but I remember their impact on our society. Who is leading our kids today? Who inspires them? Yikes…. Not the celebrities of today…who have achieved notoriety because of wealth or bad publicity.

My real hope for them is that they allow themselves to sit and share with people they meet along their way of life. True inspiration comes from every day people. There are A LOT of individuals out there who have weathered a few storms and survived! Anybody that has the ability to get up in the morning despite their demons (whatever they may be)and live….is an inspiration. 

It goes back to the blog I wrote about sharing….when we share our journey with another person you just never know how hungry the listener is for your words. We inspire each other every day, even though you may not know it. You have a story to tell, so tell it! That person you share with may not know it until later, but trust me the “a ha” moment will happen with another person if not today…someday. 

~Christine~ 

Day 21-Forgiveness

I have to tell you that this topic is a real tough one… Seeking for the strength to give it or receive it; is difficult. I struggle personally on knowing how to give up that feeling of resentment. Resentment stems from the inability or lack of willingness to forgive. I know that before I can give or receive forgiveness I must start with forgiving me..

There have been a lot of times in my life that I have caused another person pain and or hurt because of something I have done or said OR not said and done. I have had to swallow my pride and admit where I have gone wrong. I always say …the worst person to be angry with is you. You can never escape you …I have wrestled with a few demons in my day and to be honest with you I have managed to forgive most of them….. I do NOT forget but I do forgive. (lol) 

(evil laugh while holding my sling shot and dozen eggs)

The trick though or the catch is figuring out how to forgive myself…... In the back of my mind it is always” it’s ok…it’s just me I can handle it”…..which has come back to bite me in the ass. You are never ok or fine when you must take on things you weren’t meant to. Eventually it all comes out. Like right now; I can no longer run from the suppressed emotions of what some events have done to me. Staring me in the face; I can’t escape. 

It is easier to forgive another person when we truly look at the reasons someone has wronged us; I mean truly look. If we take into account where that other person “was” in their life and ask “ “were they aware of what they were doing” “what part did I play in the event” “could I have forced a different outcome”…..   In most of those cases I can say no and yes; however I do believe that it takes both parties involved to have a tear down in a relationship, and we are not always the sole victim….. I always believe that it takes just as much energy to end a relationship as it does to work on one, unfortunately most would rather put the energy into fighting and pointing out the wrongs instead of focusing on what went right… you know the “justifications” as to what “You” did wrong instead of the what you should own as your own actions… My favourite..” I only did that because he/she/you did this” OWN IT! OWN WHAT YOU HAVE DONE!

There are very few people that I don’t forgive; and probably never will. That is something I struggle with BIG TIME. I actually feel guilty for having the inability to forgive. I sit and think of ways to approach the subject but my defence mechanisms kick in and stop me from even considering it. I am not certain if this is acceptable or not. I justify it by saying “God will be the final judge”….now I don’t have to harbour ill thoughts or negative wishes upon them….I just wish they would never contact me or try to have anything to do with my life. They don’t deserve me or my time. 

(ok I am going to put my sling shot away..btw Les it is my most treasured 40^th Birthday gifts)

To this day I am still baffled and bewildered by the fact that some people are just so evil. I will never understand why others ‘have got be’ so deceptive or downright nasty. The rumour mill starts just over a small drink/coffee and by the time it hits full circle it is an uncontrolled beast that is never able to be caged or conquered. It is sad to think that there are still people in this world that fuel themselves by lies. I feel sorry for people that spew them, eat them and regurgitate them to others; it must be an awful thing to live like that. I have always had the philosophy and teach my daughters this; when it comes to rumours don’t even try to defend them. “Do not acknowledge what you did not say or do”. I will never try and defend what others have said of me. I know the truth as I live with it.

Do I sound like I am talking about a particular situation? YES. My “not looking” sick has caused me an incredible amount of grief; and the fact that I have not died in a timely fashion has caused people to doubt my illness. (Sorry)But not just doubt it …..but to actually plant the seeds in others. Not only do I blame the planters; I also blame the fields that accept the seed. Shame on them.  Anytime anyone wishes to trade shoes with me for a day, there are a size 8 ladies at my front door..

 Disclaimer- you will not be offered any relief of pain once you walk away with my shoes oh and no kleenex for your tears…that is just mean Christine…(spank spank)

So how do I give forgiveness to someone who has blatantly told another person that I am not really sick? How do I forgive someone who knows that I struggle and that my children struggle and yet tells others that I am not really sick? How do I? I know that I should have sympathy on them but I can’t….I have hatred and have no ability to forgive. That is one of my biggest struggles…to not just understand why someone can purposely cause such misery for another human being, but also how do I forgive and forget? 

The forgiveness aspect must come from me; for me. I forgive myself for allowing others to tear me down with their evil thoughts and actions. I sold myself out by allowing them to cause my tears to shed. I forgive myself for even allowing these wolves in sheep’s clothing into my life to begin with. I just always believed that if others are lending a hand; it is because of genuine love and support. I had NO idea that there could be ulterior motives. Why? I have no idea…… Except that if we were to believe that evil was not present on this earth…there would be no need for police or rules, or expectations of civility. I also know that the presence of evil only reconfirms the presence of good, of God. 

One does not exist without the other.

I have had to find peace in situations that I know were out of my control; perhaps not forgiveness just peace. I am not sure if forgiveness is as easy as it might seem. Who knows…maybe they don’t deserve forgiveness for what they have done to you. Can you forgive a rapist? Can you forgive anyone who crosses the line and breaks through the barriers of safety and security? I can’t tell you if it is possible; but I do know that you CAN find peace in it by knowing that you can forgive yourself. That’s right….not that you did anything wrong….but by allowing that persons actions to affect how you live your life or how you feel about yourself…..that is wrong. You continue to victimize yourself by allowing their actions to have such a hold on you.  Forgiveness is key….

So how do you handle rejection of forgiveness? That is tough. I recently had a bout of “the need” to reach out as there have been some unsettling things that I have needed to handle before …well you know what I am talking about.. Not everyone is where I am, so for me to expect that just because I am ready to accept or give forgiveness is selfish on my part. Where I would be wrong in my thinking; is that I shouldn’t attempt it. I was quite surprised to be honest with you; in that it was not as difficult as I thought it would be. However, I am in the frame of mind that I want it or want to give it with the purist of intentions…no strings…no catches …..absolutely no expectations from the other person. That gives me the freedom of peace. I ultimately received what I was hoping/longing for …..I have also reached out to another who has failed to even acknowledge the olive branch; that is ok with me as I know that they are just not where I am at this moment. I am settled knowing I did the right thing…..for ME.

Forgiveness is a huge part of life…HUGE. There are so many events and people in our life that we will meet and need to forgive or be forgiven by. We are NOT perfect; we are an ever evolving being. Life is complicated and dammit people are even more complicating. Everyone seems to have hardships and stories of how they have been wronged or “hard done by”… I can tell you that if you sit with someone long enough you will hear their stories of hardships, and in turn you will feel compelled to share your own. It feels so good to share. But what do you think would happen if we met with the same person and had a conversation about “ what hardships I have caused in another person”…I bet it would never happen.  We are victim of others but, we are also victimizers to others and ourselves. Maybe if we saw ourselves as potential perpetrators we would think twice before speaking and doing… if we could have the ability to think about our own actions and inactions as if it was being done upon ourselves…forgiveness may be something we need to seek less often.

Today is a much better day, and I am so thankful that I am able to venture out this morning and enjoy coffee with 2 lovely ladies …I forgive my legs for almost killing me yesterday…wait NO I DON’T! Have a wonderful day. Thank you for reading my thoughts.

~Christine~