Yesterday I received a very heart felt email from a reader
asking me if I have any severed ties that I wish to fix especially considering
my health issues…… Oh boy what a great topic! I wonder about this all the time…..
so let me play “Anne Landers” lol
This is a topic that I know many people have struggled with.
Severing ties with someone that you once had affection to. Be it a friend or
family member that you have had to severe ties with or having your own ties severed
can be devastating. I think that a lot of
us have a family member that we no longer speak to you or have had to end a
relationship with a friend that no longer served a positive role in our life. I always believed that family was
representative of an unbreakable bond. I have this notion that the very
foundation of who you are stems from where you came from; meaning family.
Having said that, I am not sure at what point in a relationship
does one make the decision to stop participating. Is it a sudden realization or
is it a gradual then suddenly end. The weight of being in a toxic relationship can
take a long period of time to manifest into a conscientious move to finally end
things. Years of the same old or …..a single event that transpires can cause
an individual to stop speaking to another family member. I am not really
qualified to say whether or not it is right for family break ups, but I do
understand family break downs. In my case I guess I see it like this. We grow
up with our parents and siblings and at some point we start to choose different
paths as we mature and plan for our futures. Relying on the bonds we had as
children are sometimes not enough to carry us through into adulthood,
especially if not much is done in the relationship to build upon. It takes an
incredible amount of energy to make relationships with other family members
work. Investing in one another is the key.
In my case I married young and moved away from home. I will
admit that it was difficult for me as a newlywed not having that “family”
around me on a regular basis. It became even harder as I began to have
children. I felt very isolated in many ways. When I did travel home to visit I couldn’t
help feel disconnected somehow from everyone. I didn’t really know them as well
as I once did. Yes we could all get together and laugh about our children hood
but where we lacked in the growth was making connections as adults. Our
commonalities changed, and I believe we knew each other less and less as the
years went on. We grew up and in many ways grew apart. The love is there for
sure but the reality is this, time and effort was not there to keep it up. A
fire simply burns out if you never replenish the wood. I think it is really
easy to love your family….I am just not sure how easy it is to like them, especially
when you don’t really know each other any longer.
Perhaps if we all made a greater effort to recognize this at
the time, our bonds would be a strong as they were when we were all living at
home as children. I think most families experience this. We grow up, move on,
experience different lifestyles, marry a spouse that changes or influences us, we
experience hardships that change us and truthfully many of us are not the same
person we were back in the day.
Breakdown in communication is certainly not exclusive to marriages;
I believe you can go through a “separation or divorce” type of break up with
anyone. Relationships as a whole are tricky, and do not always come easy. There is also a grieving period for a tear
down of what was once a harmonious relationship. We grieve the loss of that
person in many ways, not just the mere absence of them in your life but also no
matter what there is a void where that person once was. This happens not only
with family members but also with dear friends. It is really tough when someone
severs you from their life; it has happened to me. It makes it even more heart
breaking when you aren’t really given a reason. The truth is maybe I don’t want
to know why…. But having said that, if you loved me at some point in your life…
wouldn’t you give me the opportunity to know what I have done/ or is doing
wrong to offend or upset you? If I don’t know what the issue is; how can I change
or even contemplate changing? So in the end…..did that person really ever love
me? Am I or was I that easy to dismiss?
What about having to sever ties with someone? This is never
easy…. If done for the right reasons. What are the right reasons or
justification to ending a relationship with a person that is in your life? Is
there a taboo “title” that indicates it is not ok to end it; like a “parent” or
“sibling” or even a “child” for that matter? No matter who what when or why…..when
a relationship becomes toxic to you as an individual I believe it is ok to
protect yourself from the negativity of having that person in your life. Ask yourself this, how long has this person
been in your life? How long have you felt destroyed? How many times have you
addressed the issues to find there is never going to be a resolve? If being in
a relationship with this individual (s) is stifling your growth or lowering
your self-worth then why stay in it?
We all know of a person who has suffered at the hands of an
abusive spouse; as friends we beg them to get out of the relationship as we
know that it is not healthy or safe for that matter. We accept in society that
in cases such as this the relationship should end, no shame, simply get out.
What if we stop talking to a sibling or heaven forbid a parent or one of your
children? I am not suggesting that this is ever easy or the right thing to do,
but what if that family member is toxic like an abusive spouse? Are we as
supportive as a society when we end a relationship with family much the same as if ending a
toxic marriage?
I sit here today writing about this topic and find myself
thinking about some people in my life that I miss dearly, people that were once
a huge part of my life that I no longer speak to. I have many regrets and feel
at a loss some days without them. Truthfully I have to admit that in some cases
I can’t really tell you why we no longer speak. I am sure it was a big deal at
the time…..not so much now as I can’t recall the exact reason. Grudges…..oh how
I love the old “you did this” and “you said this”……yeah. like what 20 years ago?
Haha I have a friend who hasn’t spoke to
his siblings for many years because his parents in their ill-conceived way of
thinking decided to leave their estate to one child, Yup the chosen one… and
ever since they all haven’t spoken. I will not even comment on this because it
just makes me sick…
How many families stop speaking because of money? A LOT and
it is sickening to say the least. People it is money….. anyways.
So……. Getting back to the email I got. I thought long and
hard about the relationships that I no longer have and how I am affected by the
loss of them. I feel that I am in a different position than many because I have
the “cleaning out my closet” frame of mind right now. I want to tie up any
loose ends before I go… Problem is …..what if the other person doesn’t care
that I want to make amends? What if I am rejected? Is that not we all fear? Is
that not what keeps us from picking up the God Damn phone and uttering I am
sorry? It is the most simple thing to do, and yet the hardest of actions. I
have to be careful as well because I am not sure that it is just me wanting to
have the last word… and does it really matter if that other person knows how I
feel? I have been jotting down some names and thoughts and am going to write a
letter to the individuals on my list and let them know all of the positive
things that I have ever gotten out of our relationship even though it ended.
For some the only positive will be that the fact that the relationship came to
an end! Hahahaha kidding…..
I guess when it comes down to it, you have to know and love
yourself enough to decide where you want to be and with you want to be there
with. Relationships are complex, messy, horrible and wonderful all at the same
time. It is never wrong to stay or leave if it is truly for the right reasons.
~Christine~
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