Mornings with Sam…

Samantha is my youngest of three daughters; my baby. She is in her last year of high school and at this moment is applying for University. Her goal is to be accepted into an Honours English program and hoping to attend University away from home. I am quite happy with her decision to study away but I can tell you that encouraging her to leave is like twisting a knife into my own chest. As a parent I have always had the notion that I should encourage my daughters to live out their dreams, travel and study abroad however, theory of this is much easier than actually putting it into action. My two older daughters have remained at home while studying and I am fine with that! Samantha has agreed to stay home for her first year if it easier for us financially, however I fear if she does stay home she may never study elsewhere.

When the girls were little I had the pleasure of having Samantha at home for a whole year alone and her first year of school I had her every other day until she reached grade 1. Those years were the most incredible foundation setting years for our relationship, I see that now. She was my little best friend who did absolutely everything with me. At the time I was running our family business and was working 70 hours a week. Each day she would get dressed in her “business” attire and grab her little back pack and head to work with me. Each day we would have to stop and photocopy items for the office, and each day she would look at, and collect whatever flyers or advertisements that she could. Samantha; since the age of 3 has always carried a notebook and a writing utensil. Always, always writing. She would sit for hours on end writing short stories and making little books, of which she would bind and laminate in the office.  She would even cut the pictures from the brochures and flyers that she collected and somehow incorporate them into her stories. 

Every story began with everything that was familiar to her like; her name, her sisters names, the dogs and she always stated her age and began the first line “ok let’s get on with it”…. I recall chuckling at that every time she would proudly have me proof her stories. 

She wrote about me and my cancer a lot and how it made her feel but she also had another common theme; helping another person. Her stories always had a character that was suffering from “being left out” or “being different” and the story always had a resolution to the problem that the characters faced. As young as 7 she was writing stories of incredible compassion for her characters. Also always including a piece of advice for her readers. 

She is currently taking a creative writing course and one of the assignments was for her to bring in an item that she could present to the class that would allow her to speak to for up to 5 minutes. The idea; the teacher wanted the class to identify with an item that best represented the student. While discussing this with me I remembered that when she was around 7 or 8 she made a box full of “pet rocks”, only her rocks were of everyone in our family, and everyone from my side as well as from my spouses' side. She spent hours drawing faces on each one and colour coordinating the eyes and hair of each person. She also took the time to write each name on the back of the rock. I went down into the basement and retrieved the small box from the “Samantha” box and gave it to her. Here it is 11 years later and I am looking at this collection and found myself understanding Samantha a little bit better. Family is her life, her foundation.

We get busy with life, you know driving them to school, sports, friends, to the mall, to work and we lose touch with them. At least I know I have. Even though we spend a lot of time with our children does not always mean we know them. My girls and their friends for that matter always seem to have a screen in their face or when we are in the car the music is usually on so it makes it difficult to connect on a personal level all the time. 

Since we moved I have to drive Samantha every day to school as there is no bus available where we live. I have quite enjoyed the 30 minute drive with her every morning; the routine is something that I don’t want to ever change. Some mornings we don’t speak and simply listen to the music but other mornings I find myself not wanting to drop her off at school, I simply want to stay on the high way and drive all day and speak with her. I want to go back to the days of sharing juice boxes and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. 

Mornings with Sam sounds like a Mitch Albom novel …. Lol. I have learned so much about her. She is a very strong courageous woman. Samantha has an incredible amount of insight and wisdom for such a young girl. I love the conversations that we have even the ones that find us in an argumentative state. You know the kind when your child is telling you how you make them feel and how unjust life is. I laugh because I know that every teenager has the “hard done by” thoughts and I know she will one day realize that her life wasn’t so bad. 

We have had some pretty intense conversations about what I expect from her if something should happen to me; they are hard to have….. I cry and she cries. I want her to experience all of the things I wish I could have but also wish for all of them. I want her to travel, to write, to go away to school I just can’t figure out how to let her do all of those things while staying with me holding my hand…… I want her to but I also don’t want her to leave my side. She is my baby. I know she is almost and adult but to me she is 12! 

In all that she says and in all that day she does, Samantha reflects what is important. I never saw it… she has always had such a strong sense of what is important in life; us, her family. From every story to every drawing then until now has been about the strong foundation of loyalty, love and acceptance. Her comfort zone “family” is already so deep in her.   I know she is ready to go away to school and fulfill her dream of becoming a writer. I know that her journey will be amazing as she demonstrates such an incredible sense of acceptance for herself. 

I am happy to tell you that Samantha gets me and shows a high level of acceptance and understanding for my emotional state, she simply allows me to talk, share and even cry when I need to. She comforts me by simply being who she is and find comfort in the fact that I know who she is and where she is going. Our long commute seems very short now as we engage more and more each day about life. The music is played less often and the screen is not always in sight. I love my mornings with Sam. I love my Sam and I truly know that Sammy Wammy loves me.

~Christine~