The Day Has Finally Arrived...

Well I guess the day has finally arrived. A day  that I have wondered about for an awful long time.

What day... you ask? What is the significance of February 6th 2016? No anniversaries or announcements. Nothing; nothing that will alter your day,but for me it is everything.I was worried it would never arrive.My very being has hungered for this day to present itself. The day that I would decide to actually fight to live. Since 2014 I have anxiously anticipated "the" day that would kick start the redirection of my thoughts of hopelessness and despair. I am Determined to make a go at, this whole "living" thing. June 13th 2014 I was dealt another medical blow; Acute Leukemia, I have not felt alive since. Today marks the spot. From here on I shall persevere! 

I woke up feeling like I should take on the world and create a meaningful, purposeful life.Not the life I "had"; a new one. I want absolutely nothing to do with her. I am no longer that Christine...after all I have endured she is no longer there. Everything is different in my life I am a new person. My standards have changed, my drive is unique and that baby went out with the bath water.

June 13th 2014 a lot of the old Christine died. I lost my entire ability to look on or see the bright side of life. I laid in a hospital bed for 8 months and since my release one year ago I have remained in bed. I basically have slept an entire year of my life away.My body and my spiritual self shut down. Living and dying at the same time is extremely difficult to manage. This state of existence brought my mind and spirit to a very screwed up place.

The mind with this type of thinking is a dangerous place to be, in fact if I brought you there we would need body guards to protect us. It is that scary. For the past 20 months I have walked my past and relived and replayed every single thing I have done and have failed to do. Kind of self punishing I guess.I question my past choices and wonder what the key ingredient was to my demise. Why this? Why that? Is it a curse? Karma? Did I do something to truly deserve this? Uggg. No I did not find the answer.


I have purposefully and with great thought have had the chance to look outside of myself and I have found a tremendous amount of forgiveness. There is not a single soul on this earth that I have hatred or ill feelings towards. Truthfully that part was very easy to do. Conversely I was unable to forward the good will to me..Christine. Wow it has been hard to accept my life. I wonder about the choices I have made and curiously wonder if by chance my choices have lead me here.

Cancer is a fudged up thing. I questioned whether Cancer could have been caused by stress, poor choices growing up,do I have cancer because my mother didn't nurse me?(ha ha always gotta have a lick at the mother thing-she loves it). It's just luck of the draw and I got a shitty hand, it's life". Yup it's just that a real #ucken shitty ass hand.It sucks to be me.

For the past year I haven't existed, not to you,not to my family; hell not even to me. My daily routine is the exact same everyday. IV for hours, sleep, medication, eat, shower out of necessity to satisfy my husbands desire to no longer smell my pits, eat, IV for hours then sleep. Rinse well and repeat.

My greatest of accomplishments this past year have been to have breakfast 3 times with a dear friend, cook dinner (only because others want to eat)shower and every other Saturday I grocery shop with my husband. My bedroom is my sanctuary. I quite literally live in it. I hate leaving my bed. I am in a happy loving relationship with her. She always brings me comfort, joy and she gets me. 

Truth is I want to write a letter to the Olympic committee to have them grant permission to enter a new Olympic event; sleep. However, I am too tired to pen the letter.

 (Gold Medal for Canada. I guarantee it.)

Today is the very first time I have opened my laptop in over a year. I have not had the want, need or desire to write, read or care enough to do so. My cell phone has facebook, on the rare occasion I will browse the news feed. I don't comment on photos, or status updates and I certainly haven't been a good friend as a whole year of birthdays have gone by and well I suck....Happy Birthday everyone on facebook, hope you got spoiled, drunk or whatever people do on their birthdays. My birthday came and I couldn't have cared less. Pat went out of his way to make an incredible dinner and cake just for me. In my mind it was just another day except that I actually had to get dressed.Big girls clothes, no pj's.

Facebook friends let me be really honest and perhaps you may appreciate my take on things. (Will know later when I check the number of friends I have). Facebook is a catalyst for depression and anxiety. Seriously people it has turned into such a negative source of human nature. Hate, bullying, bragging, anger throat punching ecards. I hate arabs, I hate the government, I hate my co workers oh and the status updates that I LOVE the most are desperate cries for attention....wait for it wait for it..yup there it is "oh God no! please pray for me" 20 comments of outreach and you are no where to be found! I am panicking because I am not sure if we need to get to your house to take the noose off of your head before your family comes home and then wham; there it is."Oh nothing, just a bad day". Do you even stop and think about the impact you have on others? If you don't want to comment or share what is happening in your life DON'T POST a fishing bait hook to see who is out there? These truly truly without a doubt cause me to be full of anxiety and rage. Facebook used to be so uplifting. I loved all the connecting that transpired. Sadly, I had to walk away from it. I always somehow managed to feel depressed after my news feed browse.


Here is a brutally honest feeling. I struggle with seeing so many of my family and friends living and doing and going here and there...I am jealous. Envious or jealous, either way it sucks to be sick and not able to do anything. I know many live life and totally take it for granted, most people do. Human Nature I guess. "Oh Christine I almost died last week, the flu had me in bed for 2 friggen days" I am like.... here is a box of tissue. Tomorrow I am going to sell my house give you the money and send you on a super vacation to help you deal with the stress of it. Can you be sick and feel shitty about it? Absolutely! But I have had flu like symptoms every single day and have since June of 2014. I understand but you don't. Bitchy eh? I know I am sorry.

DON'T TAKE YOUR HEALTH FOR GRANTED

I repeat 

DON'T TAKE YOUR HEALTH FOR GRANTED

So today February 6th 2016 it is different. I accept my nausea,my dizziness, my pain and my non tolerance for anything that can bring me down and am breaking my routine of sleep all day. I have been up for 6 hours and sitting in another part of my home; not my bed. I have showered and have gotten dressed. Achievements to no one but me. I will take that. I want to and desperately need to exist and exist in a different way. I can't live and die everyday. I can't do it. 

The mindset has to change and I must focus on reinventing Christine. My boundaries are very different for me now as I am not able to handle much at this point. I have a difficult time relating to people as my thought process is a bit skewed. My list of limitations is longer than I would like, adjusting to this is taxing. I used to be so active and full of bountiful energy and drive. I used to be a lot of things, but that is ok because now I have a lifetime of lessons learned and the "now" Christine will never go back to the way things were. I feel like crying, did I just break up with myself? What is happening? No Christine don't leave me.......

See you back here tomorrow! Please help get my blog back to where it belongs. Leave a comment or share my thoughts. Let's all pretend to give a shit about what I have to say.Oh and it is true, my mother never breast fed me :(

~Christine~