Option 1, or Option 1

Before I write about my actual appointment yesterday, let me first tell you how much I enjoyed the company of my folks and Pat. Even though we were on a “road trip” to a Hospital we shared a lot of fantastic moments of laughter.  Sincere thoughts were exchanged often regarding my life and the decisions that were to be made. I am so blessed to be able to connect on such a higher level with them. I know that I could not face this without each of them.

 Also I want to share with you my discovery of a beautiful little white feather on the floor beside my seat in the waiting room at Western Hospital. I was deep in thought of what I would ask the surgeon and of course what he was going to tell me, and as I looked down…there it was. For those of you who don’t know the relevance to that… My beautiful Peg; a dear friend that I lost to cancer told me that when a person is struggling a guardian angel or someone you loved dearly that has passed will leave a white feather near you to show you that you are not alone. She promised me that she would do this for me. It has been 9 years since she has been gone; I find feathers all the time and usually when I am about to face something huge. I was beside myself to know that once again she was with me. 

On with the meeting….. We viewed the CT scan images and talked about the largest tumour on my liver. Now anyone that is familiar with this type of cancer knows that tumours of this nature can take several years to grow and often are not discovered until symptoms are dire, and the symptoms are in many cases misdiagnosed as other medical conditions. We also know that some of the tumours can also grow or increase in size very quickly; in my case it has grown and actually doubled in size in a very short period of time. My original pancreatic tumour was in 2004 and was quite large and aggressive. The metastasis to my liver has been relevant for many years but as of late my symptoms are becoming severe, hence the need for surgery.

The options that we discussed today were limited to 2. Now I was expecting to hear that in fact I had 2 options and that is why I have been so stressed the past 2 weeks. Clearly not knowing what they were was scaring the hell out of me. In all actuality the only option is surgery; as the second option is  to ultimately let nature takes its’ course….  Which pretty much means in no uncertain terms surgery is inevitable.

We discussed at great lengths the possibilities of complications and all of the risk factors that I face considering I have diabetes and a heart issues.   

The tumour that must come out is located in the top section of the right lobe. It is near the surface but at the back of the liver. The surgeon explained that because of previous abdominal surgery and scar tissue/clips in my chest, he would  make an incision below the right side of my rib cage along to the back and if need be he would also make an incision to the left of my rib cage. He will need to lift my rib cage to a highly inclined position to access the liver itself; if all goes well it be a 6 hour surgery. He told us that I will most likely require blood transfusions for the first few days. I will be hospitalized for a minimum of 7-10 assuming I do not have any complications. Then I will require a good 6-8 weeks to recover.

(upper left side of pic...is the largest tumour, Damn my insides are good looking ...) 

Now, he told us to not expect a cure. Bottom line is that my cancer will come back 100 % and may even grow back right where they remove the tumour, and because of the nature of these types of tumour it can show up somewhere else. I will need to once again have scans every 3 months after surgery to monitor this possibility. This surgery sadly will not cure me; BUT it will give me more time so I am happy about that. I just have to wrap my head around the procedure, hospital stay and the recovery aspect of it. I am confident that considering he is a transplant surgeon my tumour removal will be a walk in the park for him.  Btw , my Dad asked him if he wouldn’t mind putting his hand out in front of his chest  so that he could see how still and steady his hand was…. Of course I laughed and so did Dad but the Doctor, the resident Doctor, My Mom and Pat just looked at us as though we were screwed in the head! Whatever it WAS funny.  

 (Here he is; my adorable surgeon, who was not so impressed that I asked him for a picture ...hehehe)

You know me……. what is your current address? “Liverpool” , who is your next of kin my “Liver Boy Pat”, and food allergies? “Liver”.  Oh fudge I crack myself up. Yes I know we are immature but what should I do? Cry? Scream? Exactly…….besides I heard you laugh just now after reading that  :)

I am required to do a few small things to prepare my body for this and will have my surgery date soon. When I left there I was told that I should be prepared and ready to go within the next 3-5 weeks. This to me is fantastic as I now know what they will do and how they will do it. Now I will be allowed the time I need to properly prepare my house and my girls for when I am away.  I hope you enjoyed the pic of my beautiful liver!

~Christine~

 Just hoping to play Doctor when I get home

Off to London….

Well I am up and preparing to travel to the University of Western Hospital to meet the “wonder surgeon”; my travel partners for the day will be my support system made up of my hubby and my folks. My daughters wanted to attend this meeting but I felt that they should allow us to carry this meeting on our own. Usually I allow them the freedom to choose whether or not they will be in attendance at my appointments but today I feel like having just Pat, Mom and Dad. 

In early December my spouse and I met with 2 of my oncologists at the Cancer Clinic in London, during that meeting they told us that it was time to do surgery to remove the right side of my liver. The protocol was to present my case to the Tumour Board, which consists of several oncologists and the surgeons that tend to the Victoria Hospital as well as the Western Hospital in London. They meet one day a month and discuss the various patients and surgeries that are needed.  I love the fact that they do this, I find extreme comfort knowing that several sets of eyes have viewed my file and have made suggestions regarding my treatment options.

The day that they all met I received a phone call from my nurse Rosemary to inform me that one of the surgeons; Dr Quan who is a liver transplant surgeon from Western Hospital stepped up and said he feels that he “may” be able to do the re-section.  

Which to me is so exciting considering up to this phone call I was told that my tumour was not operable. As soon as I got off the phone with Rosemary I called his office to find out when he would meet with me. His receptionist explained that he would see me on the 30^th of January to discuss the 2 options available to me. She also indicated that I should have my family attend so that everyone was aware of the options available. This is a common practice for 4^th stage liver patients…. 

Ugg, I knew that..... but hearing 4^th stage felt like she also reached through the phone and kicked me in the chest. Dr. Quan is a liver transplant surgeon, and I am sure he also performed several other liver surgeries, however; his title freaks the shit out of me. So why does he want to meet with my family? Is he going to suggest a transplant? Is he going to tell us the fact is 40% of liver cancer patients have liver failure either during surgery or just after?( a fact I know) Is he going to tell me that this is simply to give me more time? I am full of questions and only 5 hours away from having everything answered……

The truth about not wanting the girls to go is because I fear them potentially hearing that I need a liver. You see, since we were told about the surgery my daughters have been telling me that each of them want to be a donor if needed. They feel that I am too young to die, and that it really is no big deal to have to go through a surgery to save my life. 

Do you have any idea how hard that is to hear?? No child should ever be in a position to say this to their parent. AND I am so honoured to have these angels in my life. The fact that they would even consider such a thing gives me the HOPE I need to face whatever comes my way.

The answer to this however is; NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO. A mother will take a bullet for their child, not put them in front of one. Never would I consider or allow this to happen. I am just in awe though, that the girls conversed amongst themselves and then presented me with the option if needed. I feel so so blessed!

I am nervous as hell, but I am going to be just fine!

 xoxo

Ok I am off with the much needed love and support I could ever possibly pray for. I also know that I have an incredible amount of support from each of you that takes the time to read about my journey. I know that I have friends that love me so much, you guys fill my bucket each and every day. You will never know how much I appreciate knowing that you are always in my corner. My sisters, my brother, Patsy, Darrin, Tammy, Tracy, Theresa, Ger and Pam you are all so dear to me.  And to all my cousins that reach out to me THANK YOU!

I will blog again later tonight to give an update from our meeting. God Bless and Thanks for reading my thoughts about today.

~Christine~

Dear Breasts,

This morning as I got out of the shower I carefully reached out and wrapped my towel around my body and realized you no longer have the ability to hold your own. Like the 10 year old child I once was; you are not there. I started to recall the relationship I once had with you before you left me; alone abandoned…..flat. I miss you; no I miss both of you. The debate is over, yes righty you were bigger. I could never say it out loud as lefty always felt bad about that. 

I reminisce about the days that you were just a hard nodule in my shirt, the awkward little elephant in the room, and how I prayed every night that my girls would come in before Danielle’s. Man did we ever celebrate when you finally arrived. They were some good old days. The day I got leverage over others was one of the happiest days of my life.

I know that you took a lot of attention away from my beautiful blue eyes but I am not mad about it or even jealous, as I know that you were a part of me! I was so proud of you, the way you sat up so nice and high on my chest you didn’t even need a support system. 

They came from miles away to see you, hold and kiss you….it was such a great love affair. It was so amazing of you to help me have friends that were boys, if it wasn’t for you I would have spent every weekend in high school alone and depressed. You really did introduce me to a lot of boys. Thank you breasts.

Oh how I miss the bouncing, the wiggling and swaying from side to side; what I wouldn’t do for just one more day with you. We could play one last round of your favourite game…motor boating oh how you used to love that! 

So we did have some rough patches in between the kids and for a few years after. Things were not looking so good there for a while. Kind of like a deflated yet flated balloon and the nips……one due north and the other somewhere west for a while? It didn’t matter, he did not notice after all you are BOOBS!  If only you were independent from me we could have robbed banks together…the cops would have just screamed “it’s OK they are BOOBS!” oh the potential mischief we have missed out on…….

You know I never really thanked you for helping me out with the kids, when I think back at all the money you saved me! 3 kids and all that milk! It is just too bad you couldn’t have figured out how to turn that milk into money….they are still trying to suck something out of me…..  Seriously, thank you for bringing my children so close to my heart and soul with each time you fed them. I am forever grateful for the bonding that you gave me.

Lately I have been talking about replacing you and I am struggling with this. Yes the new ones will look fantastic, and I am sure my real friends will be so happy that they won’t be forced to have to look into my eyes any longer. I just feel  guilty thinking that you my, breast friends, my tickets, my ta ta’s my titties, my get out of a speeding ticket  friends, my hypnotizers,  how could I ever replace you?

My 44 Double D’s you left me and I truly miss you. The question of the day is “TO BE or NOT TO BE REPLACED?” for that is the real question……. To Breasts all around the world you have been under rated and undervalued; it is time you stand up and take your place where it belongs –mid chest and stay there!

~Christine~

Then :)

Now......

Bullying then, and now…

While reading an article in the Huffington Post regarding the various initiatives about anti- bullying it sparked a bit of a frustration in me. It stayed with me throughout the night and into today. My mind was racing with thoughts and feelings of this issue and I asked myself if there was anything that I could do to correct this problem. I wondered if there was anything that any of us could do.

Anti- bullying is huge today; and it should be. But is it really worse today than ever? I don’t believe that it is. Today the wide spread knowledge of bullying is because of the use of social media. Quite frankly there are just new ways to do it. I went to elementary school in the 70’s and continued my high school years into the early 80’s and can tell you  that bullying was alive and well back then, we just didn’t have a screen in front of us to talk about it, or to make it worse.  In school yards we were teased and picked on, the bus rides home were no different than they are today. Fat kids, ugly kids, poor kids, and the rest of us were still pushed to the back of the bus, tripped, teased and had food thrown at us. Walking home sometimes meant taking an alternative route because someone wanted to beat the piss out of you. 

Our lunches were stolen, we were not chosen for “the team” in gym classes and in some cases even our teachers picked on us.  You only have to ask a good friend of mine about Teachers (Ms. Renaud, Mr. Cecile no names right….lol) that abused the trust in the classroom. Ear twisting, desk toss, desk dumps, being smacked upside the head, and name calling…..  it all happened!

Do you not think that the same has happened throughout all of humanity? Bullying or being an asshole has always been prevalent in society. The difference today is that people can be less courageous about how they bully. They sit behind a screen void of having to see their victim in person and say whatever they want. When I was in high school I remember a girl named Jodi, she went through a period of time where she was  “the girl” that a group of senior boys and girls decided to pick on. I recall once at a party a group of guys helped get her intoxicated and pretended to befriend her, only to take her for a ride and leave her in a ditch. The talk at school come Monday was incredible, by first period everyone knew about it. That week in our school newspaper under the classified ads.. an invitation for her to join the swim team by an anonymous contributor. Now if that happened today it would have ended up on youtube, facebook and CTV news. There would be public outcry for this. Why now? Why not then? The fact that there would be a public outcry today does not mean that society is getting better about the inhumane ways we treat each other, it simply means the same number of people that would be outraged are the same number that would have always been outraged. That percentage of people now have an opportunity to be heard. And …. A video of this type of act just makes for a good news story. There are countless stories that I could use as examples….. I bet you if I asked my mother about bullying when she attended school, she could recall situations as well. I would even gather to say her mother could tell stories as well, and her mother , and her mother…..

I never had a yearbook when I was in high school, as we were required to pay for them outside of our registration fees it is something I have regretted. Recently my daughter told me that my high school had several copies in the library that could be purchased. I bought all 4 years. I was so excited to crawl into bed with a hot cup of coffee and view them. I sat for hours searching for people and laughing. After I had finished I truthfully felt depressed, I never realized how much I hated high school until I viewed the people in my year books. Many of the students I went to school with were not nice people. All that did for me was remind me that we were a cruel group of citizens even back then.

In elementary school we had a resource room, it was differently laid out then today but still had the same framework as today. A student requiring assistance would go and meet with a “Special Ed Teacher”. We also had children that were not integrated into regular classrooms because of the severity of their exceptionality. They were teased. And 35 years later they are still teased. Is it OK? Absolutely not…but it still happens, despite the anti-bullying laws. Yes we are fighting for equality and acceptance, but are things really changing? 

As a parent; I dealt with these kinds of issues and very rarely got the outcome I desired.  There were days that I myself wanted to go onto the school yard and handle the kids. Oh the thoughts of what I would have done to the little kids that thought they were so cool by degrading others. Trust me I wanted to. It enrages me thinking of the power others have on our children. 

I always wonder what possesses a person to be cruel, mean and void of compassion. I believe we all have the common traits of a bully but have the common sense or ability to choose to behave that way or not. Just like I believe that each of us has good within. We only require a spark to ignite either good or evil. It is like “Mob mentality”; even the best of people fall victim to behaving in irrational manners because of the influence of others.

I keep seeing these photos on facebook and on news sites of parents shaming their children for bullying by requiring them to carry a sign that indicates they were a bully, and it makes me sick. I do not agree with humiliating or shaming a child for their behaviours. Punishment and an apology yes, but not a viral picture of your kid holding a sign. Yes we need a public awareness campaign to address the issues of Bullying, but guess what folks it is not a new issue. How do you stop it from happening? You can’t; not really. People bully for many reasons, and to pin point exactly what causes it will for ever be impossible to know. We are a damaged species; always were and always will be. The line between good and evil is simply too thin. 

Bullying is never going to go away it has just changed its’ form of how we see it. I do applaud the efforts and the new directives that schools are taking to tackle the issue but I think it really starts at home. What we say and how we behave directly impacts the morals and ethics our children have.  Talking to your kids about the internet and what they put out there is a valuable conversation to have. Amanda Todd and her video was powerful and I was so saddened; just like everyone else, to think about this girl taking her own life because of being bullied.  How long has suicide been a factor in bullying, peer comparing self- esteem/worth issues? Is this new? No….

Is putting a naked picture of yourself in a text or email a good idea? What kind of response do you think will happen? I am certain that in 1984 if there was a girl that had a naked photo “out there”, it would have been distributed in the form of whatever media was the form of the day. The senior boys and girls at my school would have photocopied it and taped it all around the school, which is equivalent to sharing on facebook or twitter today. Maybe, since we all know how cruel life and people can be, maybe instead of anti-bullying messages  we should start a campaign of protecting our own privacy, and learning how to make better choices of what we want others to have control of. Maybe, we need to teach our children how to protect themselves from others or learn how NOT to be “that” victim. 

Bullying is not OK. Bottom Line. Being mean, hateful, vindictive and revengeful is wrong. Sadly that is the other side of the world we live in. Not everything is chocolate covered.  What we see in our children today is a mirror of what society is. I am not saying that we are all evil and that life is all bad…..I am just simply pointing out what we already know and see. Life is a balance, a struggle if you will between good and evil. It has been since the history of time.

I wish I had a solution to this problem. I wish I could change the face of our school yards and make a better society for all of us. Hopefully our children and our children’s children will find an answer to this.

~Christine~