Where I Went Today

Where I went today... Today my pain was too great so I found a place it could not reach. I found myself with you; Ashley, Melissa and Samantha playing like we did when we were young. I was dressed like a fairy princess while you were dressed like a warrior; Samantha had her party dress on while Melissa had on her crown and plastic shoes. We listened to Arthur and spun around like we were leaves blowing in a strong fall wind. The pain could not reach me there. I then found myself playing opposite days with all of you. Of course I could not make anyone but me the mother or Melissa would not play. I love that only I could be your mother, the pain does not reach me when I think of that. Or what about the days that we would eat gummy burgers and fries and said that was our dinner, or the days we dressed in special colours and only ate that colour food? I am telling you that when I go there, there is no pain in my smile or my laughter and nor is there any hurt in your voices. 

I hurt with thoughts of leaving you so I go back and think of the day I had you coming into my life and I leap with laughter and joy when I think of how happy your dad was to see your face for the first time. With each of you he jumped and yelled “yes another girl!’ Yes he actually cried....there is no pain there, only joy, so I choose to go there today. There are many times in my life that I have spent the most incredible moments with each of you as life has been such a blessing being your mom. I find my joy and happiness in each of you, my most beautiful and wonderful daughters. I have a lifetime of wonderful thoughts of happiness and joy...... and pain will never reach me there, I all I have to do is close my eyes and think of you and I am there…...pain free. 

I went to the place where you and I would get my flannel pajamas on and crawl into bed and sleep... all 4 of us and think about what excuse we would give the office for our late...we could have just told the truth and said we love each other so much that we don’t want to separate for the day! That is where I went today, there was no pain in the thoughts of our warmth lying in that bed and nor was there any pain in the sounds of your breathing while you lay beside me and slept. When I finished there I travelled to the place where we had movie night……NO not ELF night Ashley! Willy Wonka night! No wait Never Ending Story night, or Jacob Marley...finding NEMO!! Me yelling “WE love you Harry Potter” while it was quiet in the movie theatre……Yes all of these nights bring me so much joy, especially watching you Ashley fall down the stairs and spilling all the chips and candy but saving the sours! Where is the pain in that? Exactly there is no pain! So that is where I will be. 

What about when I got to be at to your graduations and see you walk across the stage and accept your diplomas? Is there are any pain in my eyes when you saw me wave at you? Of course you didn’t, so that is where I go. I may not always be here for you when you need me but I have always been here for you. You already know what I think you should do, and you know that as long as you live with no regrets, and live by your own beat you will be happy. Never intentionally hurt another person but know that others will always try to hurt you so be guarded. Never give up your faith and know that your faith is from within and is as pure as your own soul. And never ever forget where you came from ~family~ is first ALWAYS! When it comes to your father, I know I know....but he is right. Always has been, I just never wanted him to know that. Ha ha. He is a good man with a huge heart and he loves you so much. This I know because when I think of his love I have no pain. I can’t imagine ever loving a man as much as I love him :)~~ 

 I write this today as I am in pain, but the pain is not just physical. My pain is in my thoughts of fear and regret. I regret that I have this illness, and that I am not strong enough to overcome it. I am not giving up or giving in, I am simply too tired to deal with any of this today. I just want you to know; you MY children are what get me through the darkness that makes me blind. You have the power to force a light that does not exist. You are the HOPE that I need and you are the strength that I draw upon when I no longer have the ability. 

This letter or entry into my blog is a reminder to everyone who reads my thoughts and wonders how I deal with my misfortunes….this is the answer, MY answer. My children. That is right the memories and the time spent with my little family fills me with the courage, strength and HOPE needed to battle this most unfortunate illness. I believe that no matter what anyone has to face in life if they create HOPE, it will comfort you and bring you to wonderful places even amongst the worst of situations. Thank you for taking the time to read my thoughts today.
Remember H.O.P.E also stands for Hold On Pain Ends!

 ~Christine~