A Storm is Brewing...

This morning as I lay in bed I can hear the distant sound of thunder rumbling in the skies. A quick flash of lightning is confirmation that the sounds I hear are not the rumblings of my own emotions. Like a festering storm manifesting itself into what could be a potential damaging wrath matches my frustration and anger. The storm itself is magnificent...pounding crashing clouds, blinding cracks of electricity spearing the ground, the rain pulverizing everything beneath it. It is over powering my own thoughts of destruction but quite simply mirrors the tantrum building with in me. As the storm collects its strength, builds and collects its momentum I am envious that the storm is able to release its energy without regret or remorse for the damage it will leave behind. I am hoping this storm lingers throughout this entire day, and that the sun never reveals itself. I do not want to have a reason to smile today.

I am not angry for me, I am angry for her, and him and all the others.... The ones that sit in a room and hear the word. You have...fuck that. You will not get me to say that word, not today. My heart is busting and I am reeling just trying to understand why a few of us can’t fight for all of us? She asks herself “why is this happening?” and “how did I not know” ....AND I fail to give any answers! I don’t have the GOD DAMN answers... my compassion and love for her is genuine but my rage fills me to the point I vomit with disgust. I just want to reach inside of her and steal her pain and her fear and decimate it. My hands are tied, bound... fused together, I can only tell her to be positive and remind her she is not alone. She will get through this and be stronger in the end for it. Life will be sweeter, I promise.

His daughter has chronic ear aches he takes her to the clinic and a simple prescription is given with advice to follow up in a week if it still persists. 4 days later she is in the hospital with a busted ear drum and a tumour on her brain the size of a plum, the ear bone eaten up by a tumour. He calls me out and asks “why can’t this be me? She is 4 years old!” I have no words for him... I sheepishly mutter under my breath “why anyone?” I fail to find the right words to say, so I say nothing to him. Nothing will give him comfort or joy. So I wait until he collects himself and I move on. The meals I prepare for his family will only serve the purpose of eating, it changes nothing but as an outsider I feel I am contributing to their fight. This little girl humbles me, I have no right to complain or feel sorry for myself... I just wish she didn’t have to face this as a child.

 

So today I am mad, mad as hell. I feel helpless and wish so terribly that I was the only one that had to face this. I would never wish it on my worst enemy. Since I have been writing this blog many individuals have reached out to me on various fronts, and I am so very thankful they have. We are NOT alone in our struggles, so why face or fight them on our own? Melissa Etheridge sings “Run for Life”... one very powerful line that moves me...if the darkness knocks at your door, remember me, remember her.... exactly why do this alone? For every step there is a print left by someone else for you to follow. I have learned this  from the incredible people who have inspired me while I walk my own journey.  

I usually tell people to stay positive regardless of what the situation may be. There is always a rainbow after every storm but sometimes our storms last too long, it wears us out from time to time and we forget that eventually it will pass. It does get easier.. I promise. Today I am cooking up a storm for the families I spoke of, and then I am off...to storm chase. I am pissed off and because of that.... I fight today, along with so many others.
~Christine~

 

The Beauty of Music

Yesterday was a bit of an off day in that everyone was home....(lol) Easter weekend meant cooking, cleaning, boiling, baking, decorating, eating and visiting oh and me doing all the work. It is better that way anyhow, considering I am the only one that can do it right anyway. hahaha (but it is true)

So yesterday morning I did my thing despite the fact they were all home. I started off by unloading and reloading the dish washer, prepared breakfast for when the heathens woke up. Then I decided to blast my music. Not the usual teenage music I find myself bopping along to. I plugged my speakers in my computer and hit my playlist. The usual Elvis favourites followed by some Led Zeppelin, Van Morrison but then Seger and soft love songs. Which is my usual jump from genre to genre, but  some of the songs I usually scream along to caused me to think of things in a much deeper way.

I started wondering about when I had first heard the song and what made me like it. Of course this allowed me to dig deep in the memory bank and caused quite a stir of emotions. It reminded me of when I was a young girl hanging out with my older sister. She was obsessed with organizing her music, she would write out the song titles off her albums and catalog the length of the song and keep the lists in a neat binder. She would also make me guess the artist of a song or the title. It was fun. Well maybe for me... It also reminded me of the days when my older brother who was a rock star by his own right.. with his electric guitar and amplifier blasting through the house. It was not uncommon for me to sit in his room for what seemed like days starting and restarting his albums. The same song over and over and over again, he would stand there singing into his microphone like he was a friggen big deal. Scary thing is ...I thought he was. I listened to some of the songs that he tried to perfect and smiled (condescendingly) thinking of the personal concerts I enjoyed. When I got to Nazareth... "Love Hurts" it made me hysterically laugh thinking of my poor sister who had her heart broken...she laid on the bed crying and playing "Love Hurts" until almost wearing out the record. This then made me remember a fight between my 2 older sisters that entailed the two of them destroying each others' personal stuff. The worst of it, the scratching of the albums.... oh and yes I got to be the deliverer of bad news to each of them.. I think they refer to that as tattle tailing. Hahaha

As I found myself walking down memory lane I couldn’t help add songs to my play list courtesy of you tube. First thinking of my first high school dance and the first song I got a chance to dance to with a boy, I might add. “I Can’t Fight This Feeling any Longer”. Ha ha then the later thoughts of Patsy busting a move to Janet Jackson, honestly I think after the years of practice Patsy could out do Janet’s own moves. Of course I just couldn’t stop laughing at the hoopla that went into us getting ready for a dance.. The neon colours, the shaker stitch sweaters with matching coloured boat shoes! The 80’s were the greatest time ever. As teenagers we were the coolest generation of people. Well that is because it was my time, our time.

The songs just kept flying off the internet while reminiscing my “old days’... and thoughts of music lead to thoughts of parties and fond memories of my friends and boyfriends. Sitting on the bed with the girlies trying to help each other find the perfect song for the couple of the day so that when we got to the dance we could request it  or wait what about the midnight dedications on the radio! Hahahaha “Pillow Talk”.

Anyways, as the music was getting louder of course I was getting even more rowdy laughing and singing along to the music, I woke the girls up. They came down stairs with looks to kill. MOM! Hahaha. After they threatened me to cool it on the retro front we had a nice conversation about music and how it reflects who we are. Melissa revealed to me that she knows what kind of mood I am just by hearing my music. I laughed but she was naming songs that I listen to and told me what my mood was to coincide with each different one. On a side note I felt touched that she pays enough attention to me to know that. It is true; my music does reflect my mood.

I can’t begin to imagine my daily life without my music. I guess that is the beauty of music and why everyone has a radio, ipod, mp3 etc... What I am saying is nothing new. Music is a gift. I just allowed myself to be moved by the tunes being pumped out of my computer. I was able to go back and reflect on so many wonderful memories just because of some guy or gal singing a tune, How great is that?
~Christine~

Decision is Made....

I met with the oncology team in London this past week, the verdict? Simple, stay in Canada. Their position is quite different from that of the other oncology team here in Windsor. Which for me and my care giver was mind boggling. The much anticipated meeting to discuss my care was long and exhausting. Unfortunately most of my questions were thought of after I left the office and had a chance to digest all their information...grrr.

The thing I learned is that even in medicine there are politics and red tape. Here in Ontario we have a very small (but renowned I might add) research team that deals specifically with Neuroendocrine tumours. The funding for the research into treating or curing this disease is hard to come by. Now if my oncology team that also does research sends me out of the country then it may make them look bad and jeopardize their research funding.....perhaps. The other reality is that cancer research dollars raised in this country is predominately for “popular” cancers. Rare cancers that have a high mortality rate are not a priority. Cancers as rare as mine... (most die shortly after diagnoses), and the numbers are so low that there is no motivation, “pharmaceutical” wise to develop a drug to treat or cure. 


Cynically put...there is no profit for the drug companies to research and develop expensive drugs for a few patients; there is no return on their money.... Health care is a business. Try and tell me different. If it wasn’t, there would be no one in this country paying for their own medications or going without because they couldn’t afford their treatment.

I am a true believer in Health Care regardless of income. Each and every citizen of this country should have a right to health care, drugs and treatments for illness. If our country does not provide a critical service that an individual requires for survival, our government should pick up the expense and send that patient to where the treatment is. My opinion? Yes, and if you were a patient that required a critical service you would say the same thing as me.

So back to my decision.... I am not doing surgery, as bad as I want this shit out of me...I am taking a different route. For the next 90 days I will be taking a drug; an inter muscular injection (chemo)that will suppress tumour growth and reduce the symptoms caused by my cancer. The tumours that I have growing in my liver in particular secrete a hormone that makes me quite ill. This drug will NOT cure me but it will supposedly suppress the hormone secretion. This has happened in 50% of the patients that have used this drug. I have opted to try this first. Each month I will be scanned to have the tumours measured to see if in fact the drug is suppressing the growth. I will also have access to a care access nurse who will monitor my symptoms, weight, diet and diabetes. I will begin a physical regime to help develop my muscle mass and to help me maintain a healthy weight.

This 90 day period will allow me to prepare myself for my trip to Switzerland if I so choose to. This next 90 day period is a crazy time for my children as well; proms, graduation and milestone birthdays. I am wanting to be here in Canada for that, and I am sure me being present for all of this will do good things to my mind. The children need me here as well. Mindset is key to beating this disease. I will begin this treatment next week. I know it will not cure me, but right now if I can have a functional daily routine I will take it. I am looking forward to trying this, as I am leaving no stone unturned. I am willing to go anywhere and try anything! I just love me that much.lol
~Christine~

Tomorrow is the BIG Day...

Honestly I can tell you that I have not slept a wink since Tuesday. I have rested but I have tossed and turned, rolled over, changed positions and unfortunately .....none of those moves were sex related!

Tomorrow is the big day at the Cancer Clinic, all of my doctors will be present and all questions shall be answered. The plan of surgery and treatment is on the table for final discussion and decision making. I have already decided that I will do the surgery but have yet to decide what course of treatment to take. Of course the financial aspect will be a great point to consider. I know I am worth the money to be raised to do this; I am just not sure I am ready in my mind to board a plane and head off to some unknown country for treatment. Ok the country is known but I am scared. In fact I have been stressed out!!! After the week I have put my family through I am pretty certain they are raising the funds to get me a one way ticket anywhere.... bastards! lol

I have been torturing myself, with endless possibilities of the news they will deliver this time. Surgery went from no to yes to immediately to .... we will find out tomorrow.... Treatment has gone from no...to Switzerland...to London ....to find out tomorrow! The last 2 weeks have been exhausting to say the least. I have died and buried myself at least 4 times, quite lovely funerals I might add. I have written final dramatic letters to all my family and friends,(undelivered btw) I have decided that when I am done my treatment that I am going back to school, to become a therapist, no wait a nurse...no a cupcake baker or was it a ...forget it I can’t remember what I finally decided on but whatever it is I WILL be the best at it! I have been cleaning, organizing and cooking up a storm. I safely have 2 weeks’ worth of dinners prepared for the kids. I have washed every wall in my home (not sure why)...and in my spare time I have been watching all the movies I have ever wanted to see. I know I should wait to watch them when I am recovering but I felt that I should probably watch them when I am not jacked up on pain killers.

My primary caregiver (sounds so secretive and very important to say that) and I will travel to London tomorrow. I will first need to stop in at the lab upon arrival and complete my blood work. Then I will most likely have a chest exam and a weigh in before meeting with my team of oncologists. Then the long waited anticipated meeting ...of my fate. How I feel right now is anxious, excited, nervous, and fearful but mostly I am happy. It’s true I am happy, only because I am literally going to have resolve to the biggest most important issue in my life. I will have the knowledge that I need to make a clear informed decision about what path I will take with respect to my recovery. 

I am happy because, for the first time in my journey with cancer I have options. Never did I think I would ever be able to say that. Whether I have to pay for my own treatment or not at least there finally is one somewhere..anywhere. I know I will not sleep tonight as I am just too anxious, but another reason for it is that I want to enjoy my last night of not knowing for sure what they have to say. Even though I am pretty certain tomorrow will be a meeting of incredible information, I am sure there will be no sucker punches. I know the worst has been revealed to me about my condition, but and with me there is always a but...right now I am ok with being uncertain, even with all the stress that comes with unknown variables there is also a sense of optimism or hope that things will come out better in the long run. Like somehow the message may be lesser of a blow and not worse. Tonight I remain stressed but ok with having to wait until tomorrow afternoon.

In one of my favourite movies, The Shop around the Corner starring Jimmy Stewart, he makes a statement to a fellow shop worker about his Christmas Envelope. This scene in the movie has stayed with me for many years. It is not the exact situation that I am dealing with but the optimistic philosophy is exactly how I feel. The setting, Jimmy Stewart receives an envelope from his boss at Christmas time. His colleague watches him receive the envelope and place it in his pocket. His colleague inquires as to why he doesn’t open it first, and he responds....

The Shop around the Corner 1940 (Jimmy Stewart)

“Yeah, the boss hands you the envelope.

     

You wonder how much is in it,
and you don't want to open it.

     

As long as the envelope's closed,
you're a millionaire.

     

You keep postponing that moment and...

     

...you can't postpone it forever.”

That is exactly how I feel, I have the envelope and until they force me to open it I am ok........

Will post the outcome tomorrow night

~Christine~

Fear of Abandonment....

While many of us assume that when hearing a loved one is ill; the love and support just flows naturally...well that may not always be the case. I personally have been fortunate to be blessed with many folks that love and support me unconditionally. Having said this..some of the people in my life may in fact be suffering from this fear(abandonment) The other consideration would be that I fear this as well. Not everyone has the ability to love unconditionally nor do they have the ability to provide what may be the support I need. Especially without me having to tell them exactly what it is in particular I so desperately need. I have been inundated with many emails from people that read my blog. Questioning me about my own relationships with my partner, my children and my family. Some of which are patients themselves but also supporters of ill patients, and because of the volume of emails I have received I decided to address some of the issues/concerns.

From the patients perspective first, as I feel I can identify with this aspect of the discussion. First the feelings of fear. It is reasonable to have an element of fear with respect to being abandoned. That is to say, to fear that the people that support you while you are ill will become tired of or unwilling to support you any longer. The burden of being relied upon physically, emotionally and perhaps financially can be overwhelming at times to the caregivers. I was surprised to hear from some of my readers that they too fear their loved ones will burn out. I admit that this is also one of my fears. I am terrified at times to show my true emotions or pain to my family for fear they will tire of me, and not want to be around me any longer. Despite the vows “in sickness and in health”, we take those vows when we are young, in love and HEALTHY..... and when actually faced with the illness factor a lot clearly runs through your mind. The truth is I know that there is a certain level of resentment towards the ill partner. That is a known truth. I know as well as other ill patients know that it can be stressful and taxing on the loved ones in our lives. I worry a lot about my immediate family, in particular my kids. I know they love me immensely; however I feel a tremendous amount of guilt for the added stress in their lives at this point in time in their lives. High school is supposed to be the greatest time of their youth. The pressures they must face as girls, is tremendous. Not to mention that my oldest daughter is going to University in September, I can’t begin to understand her level of anxiety and stress. I watch her everyday changing her own role in this house. She has matured at an incredible rate within the past 2 months. At times I watch her “mothering” her sisters. It scares me to see her feeling like she may have to take over that role. She should be a young adult, selfish and preparing herself for what lies ahead this coming school year as a university student. Fear? Yes, fear she will resent me for “stealing” her fun in her final year of high school. And my fear she may think that I abandoned her when she needed me the most.

I fear the abandonment of emotions that I need to have with her. I am also fearful my partner will stop loving me in fear of losing me. I received an email from a woman that made me realize this fear. She wrote to me and told me that she is terrified of her husband dying. So much so that she has begun the grieving process before his death. She has kept him at an arm’s length to keep from loving him more. It hurts too bad to lose him, so she has protected herself from her own feelings of love for him. In turn she has deeply hurt her husband, something she has never meant to do. She does truly love him and knows that right now he needs her more than ever, but she just can’t bring herself to allow that love to flourish. I hurt for her but I hurt for her partner more. That is my own greatest fear. There really is no way to guarantee that our loved ones will be able to handle our illness, but hopefully as the disease progresses this is a topic that should be discussed. Knowing what your partners’ limitations are and accepting them will ease the stress. Honesty is the key to dealing with this issue. Expressing our desires as partners is of the utmost importance.

The stress in our home has been at times unbearable; to consider the fact that there are so many unknown variables to consider is exhausting. Tired and stressed makes for some really good fights! Ha ha fights about absolutely NOTHING! but about everything. The garbage, the milk being outdated, the shoes at the front door...... the real issue is just too mammoth to actually deal with so, we fight what we can and avoid the truth of what we are mad at. Besides I LOVE a good fight! Being a bitch is apparently something I am good at. I truly had no idea until lately.... that I could in fact be a bitch. Cheers to me I have arrived! Lol

Ok back to fear of abandonment..... I don’t want to dwell too much on my new found “bad bitchy qualities”. I also fear the whole abandonment issue, not so much now but later...it’s not a good place for me to go but I do often find myself thinking about it. Not being here is like being abandoned, somehow.

Ultimately I have been abandoned from the “cancer circle” and by my own government! I don’t fit in; I don’t even have the same opportunities as other patients because I have a rare form. Even while sitting at the cancer clinic as a cancer patient I don’t fit in. I am not treated like the rest of them. Treatments are not even in my own country, and not covered by my government, talk about ultimate abandonment! Jeez! Anyways, don’t want to make my blood boil so let’s move on here.......

I am sure we all face a small amount of fear in our lives in perhaps different facets of life. Divorce, illness, family issues and what have you, but it’s up to us as individuals to make sure we invest in our own emotional well being to ensure we never lose too much. Or fear what we can’t control. Our own insecurities can get the best of us at times. If there are voids in our lives we shouldn’t just accept them. Identify what our needs are and find the necessary fillers. I myself at times feel huge voids in my own life. I am sure many of us do at times. I surround myself with people that support me and want me to be me. I have learned through getting this wonderful disease, that I am responsible to me and my own well being. I look for what I need and go out and get it, well at least I try to... that completes me. In return it completes the ones around me. I admit my fears, accept them, and work through them. In the end I and those around me are better off for it. I love my family and want the most I can get from them, but I also love myself to give the most I can to not only them but to me as well.

Spiritual Connections......

I was raised with faith. I was taught in school and through mass, as well through my family that there are guardian angels. I was also told that there is a heaven and a hell. I believe in all of this. When people die they leave our place of being (earth) and continue to be a part of our lives until we meet in our heavenly kingdom. Having said this, spirituality has been prevalent in my life for as long as I can remember. My faith and thoughts about God and angels has been an integral part of my life. Many times throughout my adolescence I recall finding comfort in my faith. Always open to the idea that my loved ones were always surrounding me. Guiding me and perhaps protecting me on my journey of life. My first real spiritual awakening or “proof” of existence was when my niece passed away. I was 14 years old when Jessica died, her death was quite traumatic and to this day it is still unsettling to me. For many nights after her death I dreamt of her in a place that was not familiar but extremely beautiful. I also remember the scent while I dreamt. There are no words to describe it. Unearthly beautiful. 

In June of 2004, the first time I was diagnosed with cancer I underwent a life altering surgery in attempt to save my life. I was told; as was my family I probably would not survive. The weeks leading up to my surgery I had an incredible sense of calm about me. I can only describe this as a feeling of a warm blanket on me. I was at complete peace with death and with my faith. After my surgery was complete I was brought to the ICU where I would remain until I stabilized. My mother had promised me that she would not leave my side. That night they did not allow her to stay. The following night my blood pressure dropped to 44/21. I remained like this for 2 days. I was dying. I remember hearing my mom apologize for leaving me, but to be honest it didn’t matter to me, as I was not alone. At one point during the night I looked up to see my mother’s mom Rose walk to my bed and sit down. She reached forward and gently rubbed my feet. She never spoke a word. You need to know she passed away when I was 13. That night I began the most incredible journey of spiritualism. My body was shutting down, my blood pressure still low, and my family’s hopes of me making it through the night were low. It was then that I began to smell the scent, which I had once smelt in a dream at 14. As people walked into the room I gestured to them to come close to me, so that I could pull their heads close enough to my face to smell them. I, no matter what anyone says to me or says about me, I believe I could smell their souls. Perhaps like in my dreams with my niece, the people in the room with me were amongst the angels in my room. The smell is nothing like you have ever smelt before. Pure angelic heavenly smells, but with that also came the worst smell you could smell, worse than burning sewage. Death lingered in my room.

I fought like hell those two days! I knew I was going to die. I was never alone. To the right side of my bed 2 small boys sat on the floor. They played an old fashioned game of jacks. On occasion they would stop and look up at me. They were dressed in old fashioned clothing. Each time someone would walk into the room they would climb aboard their bike and ride out of the room. Other strange people would walk into my room and turn around and walk right back out. I know that I was heavily medicated and I often wondered when I got out of the hospital, if it were the medications that caused these hallucinations. My children came to visit me and I warned them that before they sat on my bed they should move the chickens..yes I saw clucking chickens walking around in my room. But the thing is I knew it was crazy, even while I was saying it. The spiritual visits and thoughts...I never shared them with anyone until after my stay. I know they were real. I wasn’t allowed flowers in my room, but I would tell my family to look at the flowers I got from friends and cousins yet there were no flowers in my room. So why did I see or say flowers, later my mother shared with me , many of the people I spoke about had called her home and left messages asking how I was. Somehow I already knew they were thinking of me, no, praying for me.

My dear friend Peg was battling cancer at the same time as me. While I was in London she was back at home in palliative care. She passed away two days after I was released from the hospital. I wrote about her in a previous blog, she told me that white feathers were signs that angels are around you. One day in particular my friend Lisa and I were out for a bit. I was still feeling quite weak but needing to get out of the house, she agreed to take me to Zehrs. While in the parking lot she told me that she couldn’t understand where I got the strength to laugh and fight like I do. I laughed and said “well I am never alone”. As I said this I kicked a small item on the ground, when I bent down to see what the item was I started to cry and so did she. It was a gold charm off of someone’s necklace. A gold “P”. P for Peg, all I could do was smile, laugh and feel completely and utterly safe and incredibly protected. Since that experience there isn’t a hard day I face that I don’t find a white feather somewhere near me, just to let me know I am not alone. My youngest daughter Samantha has on occasion brought me a white feather that she has found either in her room or within the house and said “ here mom I think Peg left this for you.” It has become that obvious to even my children. Thank you Peg.

These are only a few of the connections that I have experienced that I am willing to share with you at this point. I believe with all my being that there is another place, another home where we will end up. I struggle with my faith at times, perhaps more the institution of my faith... but I am a true believer in the afterlife. I have been taught this but now I have experienced it firsthand the wonders of my beliefs. Truth be told I do not fear death, in fact it is a great comfort to me knowing that someday I will be reunited with my family....I am just not ready to go yet.. and I am quite certain they are nowhere near ready for the likes of me!

As always I welcome your emails and your comments, if you have had an incredible experience please share it with me. Thanks again for your dedication to reading my blog.

~Christine~

Pancreatic Attacks...

My Five Minutes of Hell

The pain rushes through my chest, I can not breathe

The sweat pours down the back of my neck

I reach for my pillow where I drown in my tears

Why is this happening to me??? No one will tell

I lye there pleading for mercy, make it stop...... Please

It seems like hours since the attack began

While I am there paralyzed by fear, I wonder is this it?

I replay my life… torture myself... think about all the wrongs

Never what’s right, 

it easy to cry and feel sorry for me

A punishment it is.... for  something not done right?

Why have I been  chosen to carry this pain?

They cut open my body and exposed my inside

Could they see the scars that my life had left?

It was all there… written they knew

A young girl shattered and it was all  so clear

Her life would be over in just a short while

She wants to fight but they tell her don’t try

Go home and live there isn’t much time

The clock was ticking with a vengeance you see

 I can’t see straight or decide what to be

Should I roll over and die or keep living the lie

Life is so painful, the attacks match my mind

Quivering chest about to explode, it hurts soooo bad

 I just can’t decide, should I try to live or just say good bye?

I love them so much; I don’t want to go,

so hold on today is what I will do

They look at me so different when I can’t laugh or smile

They blame me for being so bitter

if they only knew

How painful it is to put on a face

when you know you are no longer the same

Some days you can laugh but most you just cry

For the thoughts of not being with them

makes you want to just die

I lye there holding my breath till it passes, 

the stabbing and burning

That this damn thing is causing. 

Why won’t it pass? please let me go

Now it is coming to an end… the pain is easing, finally,

relief from my 5 minute hell

It is so curious how this all could be, 

the thoughts are so desperate

There is no control, when you feel like you are dying, 

you panic my friend

Your life stands before you ...your silent hell

The tears wipe away and you try to fall back asleep 

just pleading that this attack is now complete

No more pain, the suffering is done,

tomorrow you will live and tell to all

Go live your dreams and reach for the stars,

take all you can hold

Love your lover every chance you can, 

take your children and make sure they are told

Life is too short; life is too precious to waste with regret

Each day is a blessing if you truly believe a sick woman like me

If I had my choice this wouldn’t be me,

~Christine~

This pic was taken at the cottage in Stratford.My passion is to sit by the water and write. This weekend in particular  I combined My Grandmothers poetry book with my own.."This is My Song". I included this picture of me, as it was a very fond memory of the work I accomplished that weekend. The journey I had taken over three days was incredible. Soul Searching, crying, laughing, relaxing and pondering incredible thoughts by the water. A self reflective retreat!