Blessings....

Despite all the bitching I do I have to admit that with all the issues I must deal with, many blessings have come my way. Some of the blessings have always been in my life, but somehow I see them clearer now. Also, many new opportunities have revealed themselves to me. The blessings really are what I focus on to keep me positive. Is it even possible that cancer has been a blessing to me? Yes and allow me to explain.

At any point in your life that you are forced to look at your life and evaluate where you are it is a good thing. For me, getting the diagnoses yet again was difficult to say the least but once I got over the shock and frustration of it I was able to clearly look at my situation in life from a different perspective. Rather than focusing on what I don’t have or have yet to accomplish I have been forced to look at what I have attained to this point and what I am proud of. As well as forgive myself for the mistakes I have made (even though there are not many lol) and accept what perhaps I may not be able to finish. I think that is where my fuckit list VS my bucket list may come into play (Blog dated Friday September 3^rd 2010).

I will tell you that things that matter the most to me are my children, my family, friends, my little dog Sara, and my passion to write novels. I have always loved and adored my children but now I value the love I have for them. I allow their love to complete me. It has always been an unconditional love but now it’s a healing tool. I allow their love for me to take my pain away. My sadness is not as great as I now value the love they share with me. I guess just being a mother you take for granted the relationship you have with your children. Doing the everyday routines and serving our children is out of love but do we ever look at them individually and draw strength from them. Children can be very wise if we allow them to express their thoughts and value what they say. I can tell you that I rely heavily on them. As they come to grips with the whole ordeal I have learned by truly listening to them and their opinions that they in turn value me. They are drawing upon the advice I have so eagerly given them while growing up and are now giving it back to me in their own words with their own rational. I am blessed to have experienced my children demonstrating the lessons I have taught them. How often can we have this happen as parents?

No matter what age you are, you will always want more time to live, always. Wanting to witness my daughters graduate, marry and have children will only extend my wishes to see my grandchildren have children, and the requests will never end. So I have decided to fight to see that, but accept I may not. I love the relationship I have with my children and I am blessed to realize that we are close. I am also blessed to know they love me as much as they do. So if I didn’t have cancer and none of this would have happened, I would most likely be working and living the crazy hectic life I was living. The checks and balances would not be there and certainly the connections that I have made with each of my children would not be as strong or precious as they are in the current state. The way I feel today about my girls, I would not want it any other way. My illness has graciously allowed me to see that and treasure it.

My family is also a very important piece of my life. My mother and father, my sisters, their families, my brother and his daughter along with my grandparents have an incredible impact on my life. Without them I would be nothing. I am so thankful for each one of them. I have learned a great deal from each of our relationships, not only from when I was a child but now as an adult. Both my grandmothers are incredibly involved in my life. Not a day goes by that I don’t draw upon their wisdom and their love. Both of them have passed away, they are now my spiritual grandmothers. I feel their presence in my life more now than when they were alive. My father’s mom Agnes was an incredibly talented and glamourous woman. She had a wealth of incredible talents. One of which was writing. Her passion was poetry. Every single night before bed I read her book “This is my Song”. She inspires me every time I sit down to work on my novels. I can feel her encouraging me. My mother’s mom Rose has had a different relationship with me; she comforts me when I feel like I can longer carry my own load. She is a warm blanket on me. I ask myself would I have the connection with these ladies if I were not sick. I don’t think so. I am blessed by their comfort. It also confirms for me that when we die, we live on in a different way, but never ever gone. (My spiritual journey is what I will be talking about in one of my next blogs.)

With respect to my friends, allow me to explain what a blessing they are. How are friends a different blessing than our families? Quite simply put Friends are the family we get to choose. My friends are the most incredible group of people I have ever met. They love me but I know they do a bit above and beyond for me. They are creating memories with me as often as possible, and are reaching out to my children in ways that simply move me. A phone call away from dinner being made, laundry to be done groceries....anything. Yes they are kind to one other as well but truthfully I know they are taking extra care of me because right now I need it. For me the real blessing in this is that I know why they are doing this for me. I am also learning so much about myself through them and their motivation to want to so unselfishly help me. They remind me to love myself and all the reasons I should are because of me.

It is easy to get down in life especially when we have to deal with such shitty things, but when we allow ourselves to focus on what is really important we see the blessings life has to offer. It is not about appreciating the sounds of birds, or the sun that shines in our day it is about the sounds our loved ones make! I am not happy that I have cancer but without it I am not sure if I would have ever experienced all the greatness others have to offer, nor would I have had the ability to see what a blessing it is to be me.

~Christine~