Pancreatic Attacks...

My Five Minutes of Hell

The pain rushes through my chest, I can not breathe

The sweat pours down the back of my neck

I reach for my pillow where I drown in my tears

Why is this happening to me??? No one will tell

I lye there pleading for mercy, make it stop...... Please

It seems like hours since the attack began

While I am there paralyzed by fear, I wonder is this it?

I replay my life… torture myself... think about all the wrongs

Never what’s right, 

it easy to cry and feel sorry for me

A punishment it is.... for  something not done right?

Why have I been  chosen to carry this pain?

They cut open my body and exposed my inside

Could they see the scars that my life had left?

It was all there… written they knew

A young girl shattered and it was all  so clear

Her life would be over in just a short while

She wants to fight but they tell her don’t try

Go home and live there isn’t much time

The clock was ticking with a vengeance you see

 I can’t see straight or decide what to be

Should I roll over and die or keep living the lie

Life is so painful, the attacks match my mind

Quivering chest about to explode, it hurts soooo bad

 I just can’t decide, should I try to live or just say good bye?

I love them so much; I don’t want to go,

so hold on today is what I will do

They look at me so different when I can’t laugh or smile

They blame me for being so bitter

if they only knew

How painful it is to put on a face

when you know you are no longer the same

Some days you can laugh but most you just cry

For the thoughts of not being with them

makes you want to just die

I lye there holding my breath till it passes, 

the stabbing and burning

That this damn thing is causing. 

Why won’t it pass? please let me go

Now it is coming to an end… the pain is easing, finally,

relief from my 5 minute hell

It is so curious how this all could be, 

the thoughts are so desperate

There is no control, when you feel like you are dying, 

you panic my friend

Your life stands before you ...your silent hell

The tears wipe away and you try to fall back asleep 

just pleading that this attack is now complete

No more pain, the suffering is done,

tomorrow you will live and tell to all

Go live your dreams and reach for the stars,

take all you can hold

Love your lover every chance you can, 

take your children and make sure they are told

Life is too short; life is too precious to waste with regret

Each day is a blessing if you truly believe a sick woman like me

If I had my choice this wouldn’t be me,

~Christine~

This pic was taken at the cottage in Stratford.My passion is to sit by the water and write. This weekend in particular  I combined My Grandmothers poetry book with my own.."This is My Song". I included this picture of me, as it was a very fond memory of the work I accomplished that weekend. The journey I had taken over three days was incredible. Soul Searching, crying, laughing, relaxing and pondering incredible thoughts by the water. A self reflective retreat!