Why Don’t you Look Sick?

In June of 2004 I underwent a life altering surgery that was required to save my life from cancer. I was diagnosed with a Neuroendocrine Tumour on my Pancreas, more specifically an Islet Cell Tumor. You may have heard of this type of tumor, Steve Jobs CEO of Apple was diagnosed with this around the same time as me. It was widely spread in the media not just because it was him, because of is rarity. He was fortunate that his tumor turned out to be non cancerous. I was not so lucky. 

For every 10,000,000 cases of cancer 1 person will be diagnosed with an islet cell tumor. For every 1,000 persons diagnosed with an Islet Cell Tumor 1 will be diagnosed with a Functional Vipoma~ Meet Christine Berry Boulos~ 270 reported cases to date. Currently I am the only person alive with it, to my knowledge. The chances of getting this cancer, is pretty much the same chance of winning the lottery 3 times & getting struck by lightening 2 times in the same day…. I KNOW! 

In June of 2004, I had surgery preformed by a transplant surgeon at the University of Western Hospital; without the surgery 4-6 weeks survival, chance of surviving the surgery itself 20%. The surgery lasted over 9 hours, the following was removed, distal body and tail of my pancreas, spleen, gall bladder, appendix, adrenal glands, 19 lymph nodes, stomach manipulation, partial liver…and my hopes of growing old.

After surviving this I was told that since my cancer is so rare, there would be no chemo or radiation as there is no known cure. Sent on my merry way to go home and live life. There have been a ridiculous amount of complications from this procedure. I, quite simply put, am a wreck physically. But I don’t look sick. Why should that matter you ask? Well… because I do not fit the “cancer look” (bald head, oxygen tank, and plastic tubes hanging out of me) therefore people assume I must be fine!

I am writing this blog with extreme sadness, in fact I am crying. (I admit it I am weak when it comes to this) I am treated differently than most ill patients. People assume that because I do not look sick, I mustn’t be any longer. I have been doubted by the best. It has caused great sorrow and stress to me and my children. I have been questioned about my illness by even people I love (d) ha ha (screw you), as they can’t see the continued pain that I experience. My children were teased at school about their mother being a “faker”, as a few other children had over heard their gossiping bitch ass pieces of shit mothers in the parking lot saying “well she doesn’t look sick”. 

My cancer of the pancreas is not a typical pancreatic cancer case, such as with Patrick Swayze, although my 9.5 cm tumor was on my pancreas; it is not typical pancreatic cancer or I would be pushing daisies right now.

Recently my cancer returned, no cure, no… (Fuck that). I will beat it. I applied to Disability as I am unable to work due to extreme side affects of my illness. When meeting with the intake loser, bitch whore she remarks “wow you look great for a cancer patient, you don’t look sick”, then proceeded to ask in a sarcastic high pitch condescending way “what type of cancer do you have?” “Do you HAVE a doctor to confirm this?” I felt her doubt, her contempt for me not being bald and in a wheel chair clinging to every breath like it may be my last. I can tell you that I am angry and sick and tired of not only having to deal with the fact that I have this horrible disease eating me away, but that I would have people question whether or not I am truly sick because of how I look.

I am not bald, because there are no medications or chemo to take that will cure me. (Eureka!) So let me explain my daily routine. I wake very early every morning, as I usually can not sleep. I have no pancreas; I must take insulin to function. I am unable to digest most foods. If I do eat I must take pancreatic enzymes to help break down my food. My Vipoma levels are ridiculously high (that is the hormone my tumors secrete into my body) that hormone is what your stomach produces which in turn tells your small bowel to dump… and for me feast or famine, my bowels are constantly dumping. 

That’s right I defecate all day long, 1-2 litres of fluid each and every time I go. This has caused my potassium levels to be non existent, my electrolytes are always off, and I am ready to have a massive coronary at any given time. If I need to go out, I starve myself; rarely do I eat anything in the presence of others as I know I am a time bomb waiting to explode.  I stay close to home; my ventures are short and sweet. My body is weak; my weight is a huge problem for me. I can loose up to 5lbs in a couple of days. My ribs are poking through my stomach, and the truth is I just wish I was fat and healthy again.

There are well wishers that see me and compliment me on “doing well”, and I understand why they would think I am healed. However I need people to understand that there are invisible illnesses, which many people face each and every day. I know a man that has a similar illness as me, after having a medical benefit to assist with his financial dealings was actually investigated by the police for possible fraud. Why? Because someone who saw him thought “he doesn’t look sick” and in turn complained to another person who in turn called crime stoppers, which turned into a campaign by the police.

I am angry as I know my illness has had a tremendously negative impact on my children. They fear losing me all the time. The last thing that I should have to do is console them for being  defendants of my illness. My time should be spent fighting this disease and not having to prove that I have it!

Big sigh of relief (EXHALING NOW) Thank you!

I am very sick, and yet I don’t look sick…..so I wish I looked sick and really wasn’t.

Letting Go...Childhood Pain

When to let go? “Letting Go” is by far one of the most difficult things to do in life. There are so many complex dynamic aspects to letting go, such as when dealing with ; childhood memories that scar us, built up resentments towards family, your spouse or your children for that matter. Letting go of someone you love, that does not love you any longer, letting go of a person that has passed…. No matter what it is that you have to “let go” of and move on from, there are many steps to take before you can truly let go. Here are some things to consider and perhaps assist you.

What plagues you, and why? Is it something that consumes you? Does it keep you awake at night with thoughts of wishing things were different? Can you forgive? Can you forget? Can you “Let Go?” Are you strong enough to face the issues on your own?

Many of us have faced traumatic childhood experiences that have influenced our behaviours and attitudes as adults. I ask at what point can you forgive and forget and move on? What can be done now as an adult that will change what occurred when you were young? The truth in the matter is nothing we do today can change what happened yesterday. The reality of what ever situation you are holding on to, can be let go of. Forgiveness is something to consider.

Forgiveness is an act of strength. It allows you to stop the hurt and frustration over a particular event that hurt you. Forgiveness allows for acceptance that you can not change the past but you can move on from it. Forgiveness in yourself as well, you were not at fault in creating the situation that you need to let go of, perhaps you are partially angry for not being able to control the outcome of the situation or what happened to you. Without having to try and figure out why things happened the way they did, or why it had to happen at all. It really is ok to accept whatever you faced, you already survived it, and you are here right now!

Holding on can also inhibit your ability to achieve self love. I am not ashamed to tell you that when I was young I had an individual with a trusting position in my life violate my innocence. This individual should have been in a protective state of my life, but rather he tore down my walls of safety and crossed the barrier of my trust. For many years I felt ashamed of how I handled my thoughts of his violation, in fact I blamed myself. It was not until I realized that I was not in control of the outcome, that I began to forgive myself first, then him. Yes him, I did give forgiveness. He passed away many years ago, and I found myself seeking God’s forgiveness for him. Today I have total peace for that.

It is very easy to hold on to things that have occurred in our childhood, easy because, it is convenient to lean on them when we get down. We can blame today’s shitty events on our childhood traumas, even though they are unrelated and it is a dangerous trap to get caught in. Do our childhood traumas really have anything to do with today? Perhaps the Letting go is a difficult task but worth the journey. Loving your self enough to let go of your past is the greatest healing gift you can give yourself. What freedom! To be able to let the hurt go and move on….. Like I mentioned before, you have already survived it!

It may be that you need to seek the assistance of a professional to make the journey of forgiveness and letting go. What ever it takes…find a way!  I find solace in sharing my life experiences with others. I also believe that absolutely everything I have been through has been to teach me or show me what my purpose on this earth is. I have been given strength as a tool; it is God’s will that I share this with others.

I truly believe that it is through connecting with one another and sharing our pain, fears, joys and thoughts that we garner the strength and courage to face our lives with the fortitude that is needed to rise above our woes and live life to its fullest, with a smile on our faces and love in our hearts!

Feelings of Grief...

Yesterday I sat in a church amongst hundreds of teenagers dressed in black; and witnessed young men and women firmly holding one another as they were preparing to say good bye to a fellow classmate. A young man that my children had the pleasure of knowing and attending school with, took his own life. I struggled with the preaching as I heard a priest try and explain this young mans life and how it was God’s will.

Blame? Not one person is to blame. Not his mother or his father or anyone of his friends. Not one person. Why? Only he knows why. Guilt? Each and every man woman and child that knew this boy will feel a small part of guilt, which is human nature. What were the warning signs? What could we have done differently? My daughters were devastated as were hundreds of fellow classmates. They struggled because they felt helpless.  

The question now should be what CAN be done differently?

Our children are so well networked, computers, cell phones etc… with in 30 minutes of hearing of his passing there were literally hundreds of posts on his facebook wall… with expressions of sadness, love for him and instant reminiscing of the good times they shared with this boy. The truth in the matter is social networking can be a horrible experience for some adolescents, rumours, exploitations’ can spread through literally thousands of kids within a matter of minutes.

However with guidance from parents and other adults, social networking can turn a new page on helping children. Perhaps encouraging our children to create “phone chain” type systems, where kids write the same type of messages on facebook walls to friends; expressing their love, encouraging words and reminding each other that they are accountable to one another. Perhaps a simple “hey” on someone’s wall is a balance and a check for some.

I am sure that you know yourself how easy words can change your mood, and your opinion of yourself, bad or good. Last week I received an email from a woman I just met, I was so surprised and delighted to hear the kind words she left for me. What she didn’t know is that I had cancer treatment the day before and felt down and out; she touched me with out knowing the impact she would have on me. The power of the human spirit if shared with the best of intentions can inspire the most amazing results.

I never want to witness a child or anyone, for that matter; succumb to thoughts of desperation. Life is worth living and worth fighting for, no matter what you face. It is also our responsibility to reach out each and everyday somehow someway, even in the smallest of ways. I wanted to share one of my favourite poems with you, about children written By :Kahlil Gibran.

In memory of Llew Falla. Rest in Peace

On Children 

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.

The Power of Friendship…..

Throughout my life I have been blessed with a wealth of friends; the kind of friends that have completed me. Diversity has been the key to successful relationships. I have a tendency to select individuals that I feel mirror a particular trait of myself, a friend for each of my journeys. Strangely enough many of my friends do not know each other, not just because I have been in a different community but because I am also quite secretive about my life and who I tend to share it with. The one and only thing that each of my friends have in common with one another is that they all complete me…. somehow.

I met a man 68 years of age, over a year and a half ago. Most people would cross the street or turn their heads if they saw him on the street; with his large presence, his hands and face deeply embedded with scars from age, alcohol, and having lived a very hard life. My initial conversation with him consisted of only a smile and a quick hello. I recall walking by him and feeling a longing to turn around and ask him how he was, but I continued on my way. 

Two days later I saw him again and stopped to engage in a conversation. He remarked that he thought I had a beautiful smile and that he remembered me from two days passed. We stood and talked for over an hour, in fact we genuinely connected. I asked him to meet me the following day for coffee, although he was reluctant to do so…he did. Monday through Friday every week for a whole year I met him for morning coffee. We shared our lives with one another like we were childhood friends. 

I never introduced him to any of my friends nor did I meet his, I had him to me and me to him. One day in particular he told me that he was not able to meet me for coffee the next day as it was his birthday and he would be celebrating with his friends. I just knew he was not celebrating with anyone. That night I asked my girls to bake a cake for a “friend of mine.”

The following day the girls and I went to his house, we knocked on the door and as he opened it we began singing Happy Birthday to him; we lit the candles and watched him blow them out. Although he is a rough and tough old man, I noticed while he had his eyes closed while making “a wish” tears ran down the side of his face. My last time having coffee with him he revealed that he never experienced that in his life, not once!

I have not seen or spoken to him since then, my journey with him ended. My purpose was fulfilled. I was that person that was meant to show him joy. His purpose for being on my path was to show me that I can be a channel of peace, love and acceptance. Had I not smiled at him that day I would have never had the pleasure of knowing him or sharing with him. He and I are the oddest couple and yet he and I completed each other.

I am Annoying!?......

Since moving back to my hometown, I have begun a routine of stopping in at the folks each morning for coffee. It has been going very well. I feel like I am Norm walking into Cheers every morning, Either Dad yells “ Look who’s here” or “Hey its 8kms” ( ~I live 8kms from their house~)Dad makes the coffee and mom pushes food on me….. Having lived away from them for over 20 years, lets just say Mom and Pops are discovering who I am. In the short time I have been back I have introduced them to You tube, facebook, and pretty much everything else that is bad on the internet (no porn, jeeze guys come on…)

I am an excitable individual. I enjoy laughing, dancing, singing oh and performing. I used to think that it was just because I am a happy person, well until I had hours of chatting with a male friend on the computer who educated me about me. He said I was a Sagittarius, which to me meant nothing. I searched on the internet and found the following;

Traits of a Sagittarius: My Thoughts of the Traits

* Fun----------- absolutely

* Optimist-----of course I am

* Good-natured-----awe I am aren’t I

* Sociable-----I say hello to everyone

* Spiritual-----In the name of the Father the Son…

* Impatient----- Read my Pet Peeves Blog its true

* Fears responsibility-----sssshhh I am a professional Procrastinator

* Self-indulgence-------- pfft

* Fanaticism------Oh ya baby

* Peter Pan syndrome-----Ummmmm I have no tights,

* Tendency to gamble-----Windsor Casino Here I come

* Freedom----- lynyrd skynyrd

* Unusual Ideas------yup yup

* Being on the move-----hahaha bye bye Sarnia

* Parties--------I am there!

* Luxury items-----Awe Louis, Coach, Tiffany…

* Gambling------- Why is this here twice WTF

* Flirting----NEVER, EVER I AM OFFENDED!!!!

*

*

*

Ok….so. Whatever! I am a person that enjoys having fun, and perhaps some of the “traits” were hard to read and ignore, but flirt? Come on, Self indulgence? Pffft! Parties? Oh ya sure….

I will admit that as far back as I can remember I have always been a bit of a ham, the center of attention. I am the person who does the dare, the video / camera hog… get the picture? As a child my folks should have put me in theater classes or in a retard rehabilitation centre. I just can’t not be on, there is a powerful energy that I can’t control, I have to, just have to, be having fun all the time. I have the inability to answer a question without being sarcastic, or giving some bullshit witty comment as a response. I love to sing and lip sync and go into character of the artist singing the song.

A lot of this I do even when I am alone. I once had a neighbour stand on the sidewalk looking into my front window while I performed a whole Janis Joplin song with my trusty swifter wet jet as a microphone, and received a round of applause. 
(I was not embarrassed by the way)

So as I am hanging out with my folks the more they see of the real me, I think they are afraid of me actually. Like perhaps I do drugs kind of looks from them…. For example on Tuesday I am having coffee with mom, dad heads outside to the garage to do his “retirement duties” aka “hiding in the garage” and I remembered a video I wanted to show mom so we head to the computer room.

Shortly after we laughed our asses off at the “off the wall” video I showed her, dad walks in and enquires as to what is so funny. Which lead to a wealth of videos that of course I thought were funny, but apparently to 70 years olds…not so much….. My father told me he felt sorry for my husband for having to put up with me for any length of time. He then proceeded to tell me I was Annoying!

Annoying!? Are you kidding me? What the fudge is this man thinking? Then I remembered that he has Alzheimer’s and must have thought I was my sister Debbie, now she is Annoying! (He does not have Alzheimer’s, just needed to deflect from the whole I am annoying thing)

I was mortified to think that someone could possibly find me annoying, then I thought about Les telling me “well you are a Sagittarius”…… self indulgence, Self centered, attention seeking Sagittarius. Oh boy! So it’s not my fault then. (Thanks Les for giving me an excuse!) Well I will admit this … I can make fun of people, tease them, but I can not handle anyone making fun of me, not one bit. Double standard, fine I know this, but too bad it’s how I operate. I did not like hearing my dad say this…….. 

I decided to punish my father for calling me annoying, so for one week I will not go there for morning coffee (haha we will see how he likes that I thought..) Then I thought oh shit, if he thinks I am annoying then he might like the break… So to punish him properly…. I will go every morning full gear, my blingy stage show attire, my loud music and annoy the shit out of him ~CHRISTINE~ style!

Annoying? Pffffft! My Ass. 

I love you Diet Coke…….

I have an intimate love affair with Diet Coke…. I have been a dedicated diet coke consumer for many years. I must have her everyday. I am a total bitch with out it. I find comfort in holding a cold wet can in my hand. The feeling of it burning the back of my throat is almost orgasmic…….

I have read many articles about how bad this soft drink is for you, but like most smokers I ignore the warnings. I simply feel complete with a fridge full of Diet Coke. I am a pretty easy going mom with my girls, we have a great relationship; until I notice a half full can of diet coke abandoned  some where in my home. I fricken loose it, or if some one should happen to consume the last cold one in the fridge…….wow I through a conniption fit worse than any spoiled tantrum throwing toddler who just had their toy taken from them. In either circumstance, I am sure they girls are content knowing I do not carry a gun in the home.

No sense of appropriateness when it comes to fucking with me and my Diet Coke! Seriously! What do I really ask for out of life? I am not a card carrying Diva that has to have all the latest trends, I just need a few simple things in my life and having a cold beverage readily available to me ….is a reasonable request. I will not tell you how many I drink in one day as I fear that not one of you will understand the volume I intake or the true love of the product that I have.. so don’t ask.

Most people enjoy going to McDonalds for the fries, I may be the only freak that loves their Diet Coke. I will go through the Drive Thru and order a toilet bowl size diet coke, especially since all size drinks are only $1.00. I am a “crack head” when it comes to my beloved soft drink consuming relationship with “Diet Coke”.

In fact, I have quite a muscular right fore arm….not from working out! It is from flexing my right arm while opening the tab of the can version of the product. I refer to it as my DC muscle; which my children always thought that was the proper terminology of that the muscle, well until they grew up and realized they should never believe anything I say.

I know that on occasion my children will take a Diet Coke open it and leave it all alone to slowly turn to room temperature allowing each and every last fizzing bubble to completely flatten, hence slowly and painfully murdering ….( sorry had to pause and contain my anger, the thought is making me tense up and freak out….)  My daughters are evil.

I have even been known to avoid going to a specific restaurant because of the fact they serve “Diet Pepsi” as opposed to my beloved Diet Coke. I order Diet Coke the waitress responds “Is Diet Pepsi OK?” and turn and as quick as lightening I am like NO! Is that not like ordering a steak and the waitress offering a hot dog in its place? Well maybe not to you but it is to me!

Ok so it has been said that Diet Coke contains formaldehyde. Well we all know formaldehyde-based solutions are also used in embalming to disinfect and temporarily preserve human and animal remains. So…………Diet Coke Thank you, for preserving me and keeping me alive, maybe, just maybe, I have cured myself by drinking diet coke!

This blog is dedicated to The Greatest Love in my Life…. DC I love you.

My Pet Peeves.....

Admitting that I have Pet Peeves would also indicate that I may in fact have a tendency to think I do nothing that would frustrate others; and you would be right. I am a conscientious individual, I tend to keep to myself, and I try not to be a bother to others.  Some days obviously more than others certain actions of others; will bother me, irritate, or throw me into a tither of bitching, moaning and whining. It would seem to me that the longer list of “to dos” I have the higher population of idiots there seems to be. Of course the days I have nothing “to do”….. no waits at the grocery store, all sale products are available, no red lights…and basically no morons are in sight.

New Social Rules to be posted in all Public Places

1)      If you run into someone you have not seen in many years; DO NOT leave your cart in the middle of the isle blocking all others from passing. Do not ignore the plight of others just wanting to get their toilet paper. Do however get their number and plan to meet outside the grocery store.

2)      If you are old….give your lists to someone else to do for you. Just stay home

3)      If you have children that throw tantrums, bring them to where ever I am located in the store, I will gladly smack them for you

4)      If you can’t drive 10kms OVER the speed limit, change the radio station, talk on a cell phone and light a cigarette at the same time…..get the fudge of the road.

5)      Business men, no pompous business men that are loud and obnoxious, chew your gum without mimicking a cud chewing cow, no one cares you have a blackberry, and when you think people are looking at you….they are but please know they are judging you and laughing AT you…

6)      People that brag about their children…..my philosophy set the bar low so that when others  meet your children they are surprised  with their abilities

7)      Foreign Language …… How you say? Exactly Immigration office called your passport has been ..How you say? Oh ya…..Bye Bye

8)      Proper Attire People……who told you that crotch floss sticking out the back of your jeans is attractive? And why do you feel it is necessary to show the world your tattoos of shit that won’t mean jack shit to you in 2 years from now?

9)      All cell phone numbers should be your license plate number, so that I can call you and tell to turn your indicator off, learn how to drive and tell you to go fudge yourself without having to shoot you the bird.

10)  When in a Tim Hortons Drive Thru….please order 1 or 2 coffees, not for the entire office and please no sandwiches, bagels and cookies. Get out of your car you lazy ass!.....

Ok I am done with stating Pet peeves for the night; ten is enough for today…. Please people just think of what you are doing and if you feel that you can’t follow the Social Rules I have requested to be placed in all public places…….. Just know I grocery shop on Fridays at Zehrs, then go to The Royal Bank to pay bills, and usually take Tecumseh Road or Riverside Drive, stay away from those locations……Thank you

The Whole God Thing…….

Recently I read a blog posted by an individual whom I have a great deal of respect for, the topic….. religion. Also, this past week my children, who are now in a Catholic High school have come home with Spiritual soul search kind of homework; which has prompted a bit of a debate/conversation about God. Actually not just about God but how we serve or celebrate our God.

I was raised Catholic; I attended school at the elementary level as well as High School in the Catholic system. I have always believed in God, as a child I never had a reason to wonder if there really was a Superior Being that created us, or would serve to guide my life or the decisions I faced.

My dealings with the Church were very positive growing up; I was a proud member of the St. Annes’ Choir, which I faithfully attended each and every Sunday as an adolescent. I was a spiritually conscientious individual, and quite emotional about my relationship with my Saviour / Heavenly Father. I never questioned my faith…as a young child what questions could you have? Really? It was comforting to know that Jesus loves Children, and that there was a Heaven where loved ones would reunite and live together for all eternity.

I have dealt with trauma in my life, and found myself at times questioning the logistics’ of believing in someone / something that has the power to protect / perform miracles/ cure/ heal people, and yet I have not witnessed an intervention in circumstances as I described. I choose to continue to support my faith and believe that God is in existence and that if I live my life according to the rules I will dwell in the house of the Lord for all eternity after I pass.

The truth is I have failed as a Catholic, I have not attended a church mass in many years, I have only had my children baptized and have failed to have them prepared for the other sacraments that our faith expects. I do not pray with my children and have not read biblical stories to my children and nor have I introduced a bible to them, as a consideration to read.

I hate going to church…. I feel sitting in a large building with a group of strangers extremely impersonal. I also do not think going to church makes any person a “good catholic.” In fact I think organized religion is against what God wanted. Paying homage to a priest and offering peace to the person next to you in a routine fashion is hypocritical. It is just that how many of these people that are together celebrating the Lord, would in fact leave the church and engage in the Lords work once the mass let out. Could you count on anyone of these people to be there for you, because “it is Gods’ way”.  Could you stop in the grocery store and say hello to the person who happened to be stuck sitting next to you during the last service.

“Hi, how are you, I shook your hand in church and offered you peace last week, so how was your week?” …..Security aisle 5…..exactly, you would think Wing nut……….

I struggle with the idea that I am not a good Catholic, but I will tell you this. I pride myself in being a good Christian. How does that work? I believe that I live my life to the best of my ability within the frame work of my faith. I also try and raise my girls with the notion that they have a responsibility to show kindness and to be empathetic.

I have never said “God, why me?” but I can tell you that I have had anger towards him. I faithfully every morning sit by the water, feed the ducks and geese, and while there I pray to or speak to my maker. I also chat with people that have passed away and find great comfort knowing that someday I will be re united with them. There have been times where I have screamed and cried and yelled “Fuck you” to God. I have. (Sorry Mom) It is true. I have been confused by his lack of action/reaction to situations that I have witnessed, read about and experienced in my own personal life. Sometimes I just don’t get it. Bottom line.

 I do however still believe, and I think it is ok and healthy to admit that I have questioned God, and that I have become angry as hell with him. I question my faith because we were meant to, to truly believe and accept God , and Jesus Christ as our saviour, we must inquire as to how and why. True acceptance comes from knowing that you understand your religion/faith, and are not just believing /following because you were simply told to.

I am certain that there is a God, and I will tell you why. Up until 5 years ago I considered my self a true believer. It was not until my doctor told me that I had cancer that I would be faced with death; that I began to evaluate my spiritual life. Many things were hard for me. My children were young and I felt I was too young to die. At that point I was dealing with what many elderly people tend to deal with at “end of life”.

It just happened... I went to bed one night woke up the next morning and felt "protected" somehow. I can remember feeling like someone placed a warm blanket around me. The people in my life seemed to have a super power about them. They all stood to the occasion and were there for me and the girls. Truthfully I believe that God showed his greatness to me through others.

I think I made my peace, so to speak with God; which really means I made my peace with me. Since my journey with cancer has begun at my lowest points of depression or uncertainty a person will come into my life that suits that specific time. I get what I need and somehow the person fades…. Hard to explain but I am never truly alone.

I have been blessed with good people, who love me and support me. I most recently reconnected with a man who has shown me that love and kindness is with in each of us.   Kindness, generosity and willingness to ease another human being are and must be Gods work. God lives in us, and we must recognize that. My actions are a reflection of his expectations, as are yours. This week in particular I can tell you that I have seen the power of good first hand. I know that I have been blessed once more.

I also realize that my relationship with God, or how I view faith is different from you, but it is my relationship and it can not be judged. I enjoy the comfort that I get from knowing that when I pass, I will be in the loving arms of people who miss me and love me. But, should I die and realize then (and that will be the only time we will ever truly know if there is a God...) that there is no God, or no heaven…at least while I was on this earth I found comfort believing in something that eased my pain.

Measure Your Success by Your Own Stick…

When we find ourselves wondering if we are successful or not, by which measure do you use? It is very easy to compare ourselves to that of others; that perhaps appear to have much more than that of yourself. I mean to say, based on your age there are societal pressures that you should have achieved by a certain point; house should be owned, cars should be newer, perhaps a savings for your children’s education by now, and by some luck of the draw, maybe a cottage (if employment is good). All things considered this should be a refection of your profession, stature in the community.

What happens to us as individuals when we reconnect with people that have not been in our lives for a very long time; the usual verbiage of what we do for a living blah blah blah……. It seems to me though, that it becomes a proverbial pissing match. I am just saying… Why tell me; after not seeing you for 20 plus years that you have a mansion or a BMW or cottage or what have you. Is it really necessary to engage in such gluttony of pride? Am I your stick to measure yourself? So if you have more than me..that concludes you are successful?

Our need to engage in this type of meaningless conversation actually encourages the idea that we should have what our neighbour has or at least want what our neighbours have. Does this sort of thing not fulfill the whole “Jones’” cliché?  I mean sure those of us that have a great house, or nice car or any other toy that suits your fancy may be a reflection of hard work or perhaps an inheritance ( hey Marg....where there is a will I want to be in it). So why not say I am a hard worker, and allow me the opportunity to express my sincere delight in your “success.”

I sound bitter, but I am not. (Pffft) I just have really grown tired of the whole measure shit. Currently I have two very dear close friends that are struggling with life. Lack of direction, unworthiness….( oh and for the record the 2 friends I speak of are NOT, me and myself) It does not matter what I say to either one of them, they just feel behind the 8 ball. It saddens me greatly because I wonder why they could feel the way they do. I fear it is the fault of others; the brag shit, the judgments’ that are placed on the “not rich and famous”.

At the end of the day, who really gives a rats ass where you live or what you drive. I am proud of my friends who have gone on to reach their goals, not achieved notoriety of  an official “Position” , but who have become whatever they have set out to do. Minimum wage job, or high paying CEO. Life is all about doing something you love. If you love your job and are successful monetarily at it….. Good for you! If you hate your job, but it allows you the money to do what you love, Good for you! If you are like me; without a job and without money….become a professional procrastinator …next week sometime, write on your fuck it list, Get a job. Then cross it off and say fuck it.