Today I am out of my normal element of happy go lucky, pie in the sky, heart felt loving sweet girl mode that I am usually in. I am in a piss shit of a mood. When I awoke this morning I glanced across the room and noticed my beautiful journal. I faithfully methodically write every single morning…. “I Christine promise to fulfill my goals and be the best me that I can be today.”
So the best me that I can be today is a sour puss, and that is all you will get from me. I promised myself that. Page 108 of my third journal houses my Bucket thoughts, and wishes; I decided to glance through and see if there was anything that I could stroke out, or add to it. In the back of my mind I could hear my friend Ron say “Why a bucket list? Why not a Fuck it List?” I paused in delight at the idea that I would consider adding another to do list in my life. I thought long and hard about my new list and found myself contemplating what types of things would in fact be on a fuck it list.
It certainly did not take long for me to engage in the idea of just saying fuck it to so many things. Ironically I enjoyed being mean with thoughts of people I would just love to tell go fudge yourself….. but I won’t do that because I am a lady, although I did add some names and reasons to a page that only my eyes will be privy to.
While I got into creating my list, I drew a line down the center of my page, I created 2 columns. Column #1 realistic / Column #2 highly unlikely.
Realistic Fuck its’
1) I have realized that there is a shelf life on all my childhood traumas, and know they have an expiry date…today
2) I can let go of all my resentments
3) I can accept my mistakes and forgive myself…..today
4) I can stop worrying about what everybody else thinks of me…and love me for me
5) Stop worrying about how I look, or my scars. I accept that I am beautiful; as me
Highly Unlikely Fuck its'
1) 2 dozen eggs, a sling shot and a fast car……
2) Stop paying my bills and run away
3) Contact every man who ever broke my heart, and thank them
4) Run away to Paris
5) Become a chain smoking scotch drinking bar fly
6) Trade places with someone who doesn’t face what I face everyday
7) Pretend to be ok with having cancer
Today is that day; the day that has meaning and depth. Today I have forced myself to dig deep inside of me. I have asked the questions of myself, which have been longing to be answered. A cry from with in me to be free of all the bullshit I have pent up inside. I concede that life is too hard at times to deal with it. Thoughts of how things should have and would have been are not only useless pondering thoughts but a complete waste of energy. It is the lead weight wrapped around my ankles, which keeps me from running free.
I truly believe that my time from here on out is to be spent creating and recreating my fuck it list. Bucket lists are unrealistic torturous reminders of what we are probably never going to achieve, so why do that to oneself. I can however each and every day discover and rediscover the things in my life that matter or not and just say Fuck it; add it to my list then cross it out.
I truly believe that my time from here on out is to be spent creating and recreating my fuck it list. Bucket lists are unrealistic torturous reminders of what we are probably never going to achieve, so why do that to oneself. I can however each and every day discover and rediscover the things in my life that matter or not and just say Fuck it; add it to my list then cross it out.
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