We Are What We Do.......

I Wish I Didn’t Know Now, What I Didn’t Know Then……Bob Seger coined that phrase masterfully. 

It captures my thoughts and feelings of regret, intimately. It is a painful truth to realize the mistakes you made in your life time are as common to others as breathing. Not one thing I have done wrong in my existence is that of my own true unique style of wrong doing; many before me have done exactly the same thing in some way shape or form.

Perhaps listening to advice from others; “who have been there done that” would have been a wise choice for me to have made. Life is life; no rocks have been left unturned, when it comes to matters of the heart or matters of the purse; as long as people have been cohabiting on this earth there have been broken hearts and financial discontentment. This also means that many before me have felt my pain and lived to talk about it. The road down despair would be less traveled if we in fact took the time to hear; I mean truly listen, to others recount their experiences and let their lesson be ours without the aggravation of finding out the hard way.

Looking back into my past fills me with anguish, as I know the mistakes I have made and  I continue to make is a pattern laid out by my own stupidity.  We are what we do. It is very easy for me to look at life and feel excitement for what I want to do, but rarely do I do....... what I want to do. My thoughts are perplexed of what I wish to have, or be, with what my reality is. In a comparative sense to others, which is what most of us to do to gauge our happiness, we must pay attention to what others say to be true, in comparison to how they actually behave. Simply put “When all is said and done, more is said than done.” I feel swallowed in a pool of meaningless words, which are lies others tell me or the lies I tell myself to convince myself that things will be fine, when I know they won’t be. I feel betrayed by the hope of a happier me, what promises have I made myself that were realistically attainable?Why do I continue to compare my own success, happiness by  that of others?

The mistakes I continue to make are predetermined; the outcome is predictable with each choice I make, that is because I choose to ignore the truthful fact that my past is a predictable future behaviour. That is to say I very rarely learn from my past. While in a situation that hurts me I feel overwhelmed, helpless and ashamed, but somehow I forget how horrible it was for me when I previously experienced the same thing; then turn around and make the exact same choice again and again. I try to force myself to take a chance or risk by chance a new outcome, but sadly I am unable to convince myself to follow through.

Perhaps my fear of risk is so prevalent in my life that I rarely trout off the beaten path I walk; comfortability in an unhealthy routined life is what I am used to. Failure is not my fear…. I am used to failure. In fact I have grown accustomed to it. Success is what I fear, as I am unsure how to continue with growth and meaningful change and lack the self assurance that I would need to flourish with continued success.

                                                                                          

So if we “are what we do” then it is time to conscientiously  look at what we do to figure out who “we are”. My own personal goal is to examine my ways, my dysfunctional stupidity and attempt to discover in me what makes me do what I do. So that in doing so; I can change me to be “what I want to do” rather than continue to be “what I do not want to be" any longer!