Recently I read a blog posted by an individual whom I have a great deal of respect for, the topic….. religion. Also, this past week my children, who are now in a Catholic High school
I was raised Catholic; I attended school at the elementary level as well as High School in the Catholic system. I have always believed in God, as a child I never had a reason to wonder if there really was a Superior Being that created us, or would serve to guide my life or the decisions I faced.
My dealings with the Church were very positive growing up; I was a proud member of the St. Annes’ Choir, which I faithfully attended each and every Sunday as an adolescent. I was a spiritually conscientious individual, and quite emotional about my relationship with my Saviour / Heavenly Father. I never questioned my faith…as a young child what questions could you have? Really? It was comforting to know that Jesus loves Children, and that there was a Heaven where loved ones would reunite and live together for all eternity.
I have dealt with trauma in my life, and found myself at times questioning the logistics’ of believing in someone / something that has the power to protect / perform miracles/ cure/ heal people, and yet I have not witnessed an intervention in circumstances as I described. I choose to continue to support my faith and believe that God is in existence and that if I live my life according to the rules I will dwell in the house of the Lord for all eternity after I pass.
The truth is I have failed as a Catholic, I have not attended a church mass in many years, I have only had my children baptized and have failed to have them prepared for the other sacraments that our faith expects. I do not pray with my children and have not read biblical stories to my children and nor have I introduced a bible to them, as a consideration to read.
I hate going to church…. I feel sitting in a large building with a group of strangers extremely impersonal. I also do not think going to church makes any person a “good catholic.” In fact I think organized religion is against what God wanted. Paying homage to a priest and offering peace to the person next to you in a routine fashion is hypocritical. It is just that how many of these people that are together celebrating the Lord, would in fact leave the church and engage in the Lords work once the mass let out. Could you count on anyone of these people to be there for you, because “it is Gods’ way”. Could you stop in the grocery store and say hello to the person who happened to be stuck sitting next to you during the last service.
“Hi, how are you, I shook your hand in church and offered you peace last week, so how was your week?” …..Security aisle 5…..exactly, you would think Wing nut……….
I struggle with the idea that I am not a good Catholic, but I will tell you this. I pride myself in being a good Christian. How does that work? I believe that I live my life to the best of my ability within the frame work of my faith. I also try and raise my girls with the notion that they have a responsibility to show kindness and to be empathetic.
I have never said “God, why me?” but I can tell you that I have had anger towards him. I faithfully every morning sit by the water, feed the ducks and geese, and while there I pray to or speak to my maker. I also chat with people that have passed away and find great comfort knowing that someday I will be re united with them. There have been times where I have screamed and cried and yelled “Fuck you” to God. I have. (Sorry Mom) It is true. I have been confused by his lack of action/reaction to situations that I have witnessed, read about and experienced in my own personal life. Sometimes I just don’t get it. Bottom line.
I do however still believe, and I think it is ok and healthy to admit that I have questioned God, and that I have become angry as hell with him. I question my faith because we were meant to, to truly believe and accept God , and Jesus Christ as our saviour, we must inquire as to how and why. True acceptance comes from knowing that you understand your religion/faith, and are not just believing /following because you were simply told to.
I am certain that there is a God, and I will tell you why. Up until 5 years ago I considered my self a true believer. It was not until my doctor told me that I had cancer that I would be faced with death; that I began to evaluate my spiritual life. Many things were hard for me. My children were young and I felt I was too young to die. At that point I was dealing with what many elderly people tend to deal with at “end of life”.
It just happened... I went to bed one night woke up the next morning and felt "protected" somehow. I can remember feeling like someone placed a warm blanket around me. The people in my life seemed to have a super power about them. They all stood to the occasion and were there for me and the girls. Truthfully I believe that God showed his greatness to me through others.
I think I made my peace, so to speak with God; which really means I made my peace with me. Since my journey with cancer has begun at my lowest points of depression or uncertainty a person will come into my life that suits that specific time. I get what I need and somehow the person fades…. Hard to explain but I am never truly alone.
I have been blessed with good people, who love me and support me. I most recently reconnected with a man who has shown me that love and kindness is with in each of us. Kindness, generosity and willingness to ease another human being are and must be Gods work. God lives in us, and we must recognize that. My actions are a reflection of his expectations, as are yours. This week in particular I can tell you that I have seen the power of good first hand. I know that I have been blessed once more.
I also realize that my relationship with God, or how I view faith is different from you, but it is my relationship and it can not be judged. I enjoy the comfort that I get from knowing that when I pass, I will be in the loving arms of people who miss me and love me. But, should I die and realize then (and that will be the only time we will ever truly know if there is a God...) that there is no God, or no heaven…at least while I was on this earth I found comfort believing in something that eased my pain.
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