I am just sitting here wondering how in the hell have I
gotten here? I mean seriously. I am about to celebrate my 10th
anniversary of diagnosis. In the 10 years that I have been fighting this damn
beast I have often wondered if I would ever make it. I was 33 years old when I
first heard cancer. I had no idea what to do or how to feel. I was a scared
little girl I can tell you that for sure. My daughters were so young and all I
could think about was all the stuff I would miss out on. If you are a parent
you can just imagine how hard it would be to know that you were not going to
watch your babies grow up. Even today when I think back to the day I told them
I had cancer….a piece of me died. I will never ever forget the brave face I put
on to tell them; all a while I was dying inside.
Since then I have been through 3 elementary grade school
graduations, 2 almost 3 (Samantha graduates in 2 weeks) high school
graduations, 7 proms, Melissa is graduating from College in 3 weeks….never
thought any of that would happen with me being present. Although these were the types of events I
wanted to live to see…there seems to be something sad about it as well. I did
it, and now those events are over. It
turns out each occasion was joyous and yet they came and went in a flash. Let’s
face it getting ready and running around getting your daughter dressed and
ready for these types of events are not always the most pleasant… although the
moment you see them ready in their dress for prom you melt, but then they are
off and as it turns out the memory of the event was just a moment. Same goes
for the graduation days.
Don’t get me wrong I am very grateful to be here to witness
these milestones, it is just that the pressure of the lead up to these days are
huge and once they are over it feels like a huge let down. Like …that’s it! You
wanted to live to see this….and it is over with a blink of the eye!
Now I find
myself wondering what is next. So let me
be really honest with you about how I feel… my life is all about my kids, that
is a given but if I am living with hopes of seeing each of their milestones in
life what about the day to day of life? Life is hard in between the events that
I so long to be a part of. Each day of life despite my gratitude for being
here, is just a day. Nothing really changes. Day in day out life is quite
mundane and quite frankly some days it just sucks. Having a second chance at
life ends up being special only to the person who has been given the second
chance. At the end of the day life goes on for everyone else. Also, the
gratitude for surviving wears thin. Life has a way of pulling you right back
into the rat race without regard for where you have been or for where you are
at the moment.
Hardship is like an illness/disease, and when you are
experiencing the downs that go with it….let’s just say it is extremely
difficult to “be blessed” with having another day of a life to live. Some days
I think “is this what I fought so hard to live for” and that thought usually
ends with a big sigh….you would think that experiencing a trauma or a life
changing event would actually mean “life changing”, but it doesn’t. It just
means you have life and another thing on top of life to deal with; at least for
me that is what it has felt like.
It may appear that I seem unappreciative to my life and I am
sorry if I am coming across that way; it is not my intention. I am merely
trying to explain that regardless of how many chances at life you are given…something
drastic must change in your regular life before you can appreciate and enjoy a
shot at a new one. I have been given another chance but let’s not forget I had
to go through A LOT to survive it; both physical and mental pain to be where I
am today. It is just that some days I question “was it worth it?”
Are the
events in my children’s lives from time to time enough to pull me through? In some
ways yes they are goal setting dates to live for but I need something on a
DAILY basis to see a true second chance. I know …..I need a break! A lottery, a
different every day routine to see the splendor of life that I am supposed to
have; everyone keeps telling me I should be happy. Yes people tell me that I should be thankful
for surviving but to be brutally honest with you; that only means something to
me if it is coming from another survivor. Otherwise it actually pisses me off.
No one has the right to tell another person what they should be happy about. It
is like telling a depressed person to suck it up or get over it.
Unless you
have experienced what a terminal patient goes through, you cannot expect me to
be where you need me to be. I went through a diagnosis, a period of time waiting
for surgery, acceptance of possible death, surgery, recovery, pain beyond
belief, complications and am just starting to feel somewhat normal…..my
gratitude or “happiness” about surviving is maybe on it’s way….I am still
trying to figure out how all of that happened to me let alone being “thankful”.
I would not wish what I went through on my worst enemy, so…..thankfulness for a
second chance …………..perhaps I will be there 100% soon.
I do have a lot on the go and my days are usually filled
with tons of things to do….not all of it is meaningful stuff but I am thankful that
I am active. I think I need to go back and review my 30 day journey to regain
some sense of purpose. I am thankful for surviving but to be honest I would be
even more thankful if with a second chance at living meant a clean slate in
every aspect of your life. Otherwise, is it truly a second chance at living?
To be honest with you it may very well be my 5th or
6th chance by now…today I am questioning what is the purpose behind
all of the hardships I have faced and seem to continue to face? I am sure I am
not alone in feeling defeated by life. I am feeling a bit overwhelmed with all
of the negativity that life has to offer. It always seems to rain and well for
me it is a constant rain with heavy down pours at times. I usually have a skip
in my step and ignore the clouds above me. I look for positivity in
everything….lately though; not so much. Maybe it is because I am completely all
of the wishes I had when I was first diagnosed; like the graduations and stuff
such as this for my kids. Maybe I am being selfish in that now I want more….and
will more ever be enough. I can tell you to take time and smell the roses but
what does that really mean?
How long will you be appreciative for having
smelled the scent? Today I am taking the day to be by myself and thinking about
what my true desires are and what it is most that I want out of this life and
mapping out how I will achieve it. Maybe we all need to do this from time to
time regardless of whether you have been given a “second chance” at it. I truly
hope you have an amazing day today. I also hope that your hardships be
overlooked and that you find a reason to celebrate your life today. I know that
life is only lived once and my plan is to figure out from this point on how to
do my life justice.
~Christine~
