Saturday, April 13, 2013

Pity Party ~For One~



For the first time in over four months I was able to do the following; get out of bed, shower and proceed downstairs all without requiring a nap once down the stairs! Huge! I wanted to call everyone I know and inform them of this incredible feat; however I realized how ridiculous this self praise would sound. I know that you all do this each and every day and never give thought about the effortless tasks completed once the alarm goes off, but to me it’s a big deal.....

Life has become quite different for me since all of the headaches began with my right foot. Most days I have fantasized about how many different ways I could cut off my own leg in hopes of ending the pain. Of course once I was told that there was a great possibility that I would lose my foot by medical amputation I began convincing myself how much I loved my foot and wanted it to stay attached to the pretty little leg it is attached to... despite the incredible pain it was causing. I even decided that I could live with this kind of pain forever and keep the damn foot....

For the past year I have suffered a tremendous amount of pain because of the circulatory issue that my leg and foot were experiencing. Despite this I still managed to push myself to work and tend to my family as if nothing were wrong. I certainly paid in droves for this ill thought out persistence of will power. I was hospitalized for weeks at a time and yet each time I was sent home with more pain meds and encouragement that things will get better.... pfffft!

A few months ago I was relieved when I found a doctor who was concerned with the lack of movement and feeling in my right foot oh wait maybe it was because it was blue and ice cold....grrr. Anyhow he decided that I needed to have a bypass in hopes of generating more circulation to my leg in general. It was to be no big deal. First an angio gram to see the blockage and determine whether surgery outside of the angio gram was necessary..... It’s me so the easy way out is NEVER an option. A slice from mid thigh to mid calf, over a hundred staples and voila.......... blood flow! Problem; no movement in foot and still no feeling. Of course that will come over time. No worries. 

A few months later (now) worries.....no movement, no feeling, ice cold foot and turning blue. Another Doctor and back in surgery. In hopes of saving my foot? Wow, an angio gram and 12 hour drain and medication running through my artery to clear blood clots. End result, double bypass and 2 titanium alloy stents. Good news; my foot is no longer blue or cold oh ya and it’s still attached to me! Woot hoot!  This time I will get feeling back and mobility in my toes and foot, 1mm a day healing (nerve endings)...

I had a visit from the Doctor on duty and asked if I had any questions regarding my surgery and if I knew why I was in the hospital sort of routine blah blah blah.....anyway I asked him why I was having so many blood clots and why were my arteries 100% blocked. “ Well what do you expect when you have been a heavy smoker your whole life? Brenda...”
PERFECT! Now that I know what has caused Brenda to be in the hospital with screwed up arteries..... I wonder if you could tell me, CHRISTINE why in the hell this is happening to me????????  Well Christine I think the answer to that is best answered by your oncologist, as we think this is cancer related. We will send all the reports to the Cancer Clinic where you will undergo some testing and the oncology team will do a consultation with you. Great!

So since being sent home I have been obsessively waiting for the cancer clinic to call with an appointment so that I can find out what is causing my blood to thicken.... 

It has been very difficult for me considering I am a very active person to have to concede and simply lay around all day. My home has become a prison. My thoughts ride off of emotions that seem to change every hour. I go from crying to laughing to just sitting in a complete daze. Mostly my thoughts are about what the rest of my life will be like. I wonder if I will ever get better long enough to do anything that I once enjoyed so much. The idea of being able to walk along a nature trail or even be able to ride a bike again or ice skate seems almost impossible. I am desperate to get better, I am sick of being ill and wish more than anything that I could have even just one day free from all of this unnecessary pain and anguish. People say to me “be thankful you are alive” and I tend to feel a bit of guilt after hearing this, as I should be thankful to have survived this horrendous medical “journey”.....and yet the guilt doesn’t stay with me for very long as I AM thankful to be alive, I am just tired of being so restricted.

The doctors keep telling me to take one day at a time and I know this is great advice however I am just wondering how many days it will actually take..... I just want to get on with living.  Not just being alive, but actually living a life.     grrrr......

Btw- Sorry I didn’t send out invitations to my “Pity Party” ......lol
Thanks for reading
~Christine~


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