The Elephant in the Room….

I love this phrase, to many the elephant in the room is usually an issue or problem that is avoided or completely ignored despite the obvious need to acknowledge or address it. Many of us pretend it is not there; we walk around it, learn to crawl underneath its’ belly and lift its’ trunk to pass, always finding coping skills  and strategies to avoid addressing it. For me obviously the elephant is illness. I see that damn thing there and even hear the blowing of the trumpet but am learning to deal with it as opposed to ignoring its’ presence.

I spent the day yesterday with my parents; my dad came by as I was having an issue with my electrical/ panel box. While he tended to the repairs I had several conversations with my mom on various issues/topics. Mostly the theme was about death and relationships with others. I try not to go too far in depth about how I feel about “my elephant” as I know it is hard for her and… well me to for that matter. But is death really a topic to avoid? Are we not all going to die? It is true…from the very first breath we take we start to die. Our life is a mere journey from life to death. Somehow we never really think about that. 

We are all aware that we are going to face this is at least once in our lifetime.. (haha ONCE) the kicker of it is that we just don’t know when or how, we only know that for sure it will happen. If we truly face that fact I think that most of us would not know how to live. Imagine a crystal ball that could show you your life in advance… yup there you are in a scene getting smoked by a bus. So now you live the rest of your life trying to avoid buses for fear that it just might be the bus that takes you out. I would imagine that in trying to avoid buses you would ultimately lose out on many great opportunities that may lie on the other side of the bus.

Cancer sucks, in fact I f..king hate its’ name. It is my elephant. No matter how hard I try to avoid it I still see it, hear it, feel it and carry the weight of it everywhere I go. My crystal ball is also always with me. The luxury of not having to know how you die or when is not enjoyed by me. I hate the fact that I have been tapped on the shoulder by death. I wish I could be that poor bastard that unknowing ventures out for the day and finds his fate with an unfortunate accident.  I try and avoid knowing or listening to others talk about the debilitating effects of end of life prognosis for the cancer patient. HELLO…… I get it! 

When I was speaking with mom I told her what my wishes were; we didn’t cry and make it a whole dramatic “Sally Fields” moment, we just dealt with it. That is it, matter of fact conversation followed with the enjoyment of my wonderfully tasting prize butter tarts. (she has been whining to me to make them for her so… while we talked I rolled out the dough and made them for her). 

I think we suppress our thoughts of dying as it I think it would cripple us to the point of not really ever living. I can become pretty cynical about life when I think of the fact that we do perish at some point. I also believe that somehow it is a cruel joke played on us. Why bother getting into a relationship or have children knowing that at one point our hearts will break having to say good bye. It’s bullshit and no one can tell me otherwise.  Whoops……. I am getting bitchy.. Deep Breath 

So how do you balance that? If I knew the answer I would be on every talk show teaching people how to live without fear of death. For me…. I sat down and decided to accept the fact that I will die and cried about it and felt sorry for myself. When I was done I blew my nose, wiped my tears and moved on. A few days later I sat down and decided on "what"it was  that I wanted to live for and "what" I wanted out of this life from now on.....

Ok….here it is, a small situation that helped me move onto the next phase after acceptance. Every night for over 20 years I curl up and nestle my head into the back of my husbands’ shoulders and every single night I tell him “this is my favourite part of everyday”. It is the only time I have him all to myself, no emails, no phone calls from work….just him. That is a pretty intimate thing to share, I know, but I got to thinking one day that he will miss this, there will be a time he no longer feels my head in his back…and knowing this made me angry as hell! It made me want to end my relationship with him…run away and detach myself from his love to spare my pain of leaving him. 

But then I realized that my life would be really shitty if I detached myself from all of the great things we have an opportunity to experience. Does it not make my head nestling that more rich for knowing that it will be missed someday? It just makes me want to find more small ways to fill me and him and ultimately our relationship. If I didn’t …….life would not be worth living.  I live for all the small things that we take for granted every single day. Not flowers, gifts, cars, trips, our house nothing like that matters, I live for the chuckles about my craziness, (and trust me there are a lot of laughs as I am about as crazy as it comes) I live for a good cup of coffee and a great conversation, and I live for my 3 beautiful daughters. 

I know that this is a very difficult topic, and I know that it hurts like hell to lose someone you love. I have lost individuals in my life and not just adults but children as well. It makes no sense to me that death is even something we have to deal with ever, but it is an elephant in the room for everyone. I don’t care how old you are, how rich or poor you are, how healthy you are or not….it is something you need to think about. Why? Because life can only get sweeter after you look at it. It forces you to make what is important to you a priority; the things that you can and cannot live with or without. It also makes you want to ensure that you  make a difference in this lifetime for the things that really matter. At least for me that is what has happened. 

I want to live for quality not quantity. I would much rather live a short “loved filled” life than a long drawn out miserable/lonely one. I love the fact that each day I live I am doing something that many don’t start to do until they are seniors…Getting my life in check before the “Big Guy” calls me home.  I wish that there was a cure for cancer, but mostly I wish there was a cure for death. 

Wouldn’t that be something?

~Christine~