From my point of view; it is hard to be a strong, normal,
level headed, ring master, chief bottle washer, financier, taxi driver, problem
solver, advice giver, wife and mother, sister, daughter and friend. Most days I
fulfill all of these roles. I may not do each one justice on any particular day
but I try; in fact I do the best that I can.
In between each conversation and task, in the back of mind I wonder if
any one truly gets me. Lately I have
been losing it, yup miss joy and ray of sun shine is burning out and
unfortunately lashing out. I am tired, sick and in a tremendous amount of pain.
I don’t complain (usually) but the last few weeks I have not measured up to
even my own standards of “nice”.
I am stressed to say the least. In early December I found
out that I am in need of yet another major surgery. I am in 4th
stage….This time they will re-sect the tumour from the right side of my liver. The cancer in my
liver may or not be secondary from my original pancreatic tumour. The pathology
will be known once the surgeon sends my tumour for pathology and then compares
this tissue with that of the original tissue taken in my previous surgery. In
their opinion it looks like this cancer is primary liver, and is presenting a
different hormone secretion from my original cancer. Which is NOT good if true.
Once
the pathology is known then and only then will I know if they will proceed this
time with chemo. So many variables; I just have to remind myself to keep
focusing on one thing at a time. My surgery will happen on St. Patrick’s Day… I
am nervous as I am not sure that I have the mindset needed to not only prepare
for this surgery but to deal with the recovery aspect of it. This past year has
been brutal. Outside of having to deal with my cancer, and diabetes, I now have
heart problems. I underwent 2 bypass surgeries and almost had to have my right
leg amputated from the knee down. You would think that would be enough……..
I am not really happy
with “be thankful you have your leg” or “be thankful you are alive”. Are these
not obvious blessings? I certainly don’t need to be reminded of that. But what
I have to deal with every single day is not a blessing, not in any way. It is
hard to put a smile on your face when you can’t even carry a case of water or a
bag of groceries on your own. Or work!!!
But hey the kids still need and want and require…..
I have been battling this GOD DAMN disease for long enough.
10 years this June (2014) in fact. And all I can think about is the oncology
team I conversed with at the initial diagnosis saying to me “some people have
lived as long as 10 years after surgery like you have had”…………… great.
December 31st 2013, 10,9,8,7,6,5,4,3,2,1 and the
ball dropped! Yup 10th year Christine.
Fudge is all I thought. As my husband leaned over so very
carefully to kiss me at 12am, I was frozen as I have never wanted this year to
come. (oh why did I lean over ever so carefully? 2 broken ribs that’s why-freak
Christmas accident, which unfortunately for me did not happen because of a
kinky new position that mal-functioned:)~~~)
apparently my bones are fragile, which would explain why this past year I have
also suffered with breaking teeth, to the point that I no longer have any
bottom molars.
(do you need kleenex yet for my woes? well hold on there is more whining on the way)
The real problem I have is pressure; pressure to get my
children right where they need to be. They need to be on the right path to
their future and in school and doing well and ready to face all of life’s
challenges. I want them to be older and wiser and have all of the answers you
would need to learn in a life RIGHT NOW in case I am not here to help them. They don’t understand and cannot appreciate where
I am coming from because they are too young and I know this…..but I can’t stop
lecturing. The other issue is that they are not really interested in everything
I am trying to tell them; which I get, but it is my need to tell them anyway. I guess I need to feel that they get it so
that I can have peace within me to deal with the possibility my life will end.
No loose ends so to speak. I am aware that no matter what there will always be
a loose end in every person’s life but still…….ugggg I just love them so much
and I don’t want to lose to this disease….
My mom and dad have been really helping me these last few
weeks finish up some unfinished renovations in the house. I know that they are
trying to lessen the load of stress on my plate. I am so very thankful for
that. It has been hard having things still in boxes and my kitchen has been a
HUGE stress for me. We managed to finish hanging the rest of my cupboards
yesterday. I was beside myself excited to finally be able to have room for all
my food, and pots and pans. Shortly after they left I quickly made dinner and
was thoroughly excited and determined to organize my new storage area. I looked at
the clock it was 6pm. I decided to lay down for a quick 30 minute nap….next
thing I knew the alarm went off at 5:15am; time to start the day.
I went into the kitchen to start the coffee and there were my
kitchen items still on the floor and scattered across the counter tops…uggg. I never
showed my frustration to anyone this morning, I drove everyone where they
needed to go and arrived back at home by 8am. I sat down with my coffee and the
tears just flew down my face.
What has happened to the woman I once knew??
If I could describe who I used to be in comparison to now….God
dammit I am frustrated! My mental energy is nowhere near the shell of a woman I
am. I slept last night not because I was simply tired; I slept because I was
exhausted! I might add that yesterday I received my formal letter in the mail
from The University of Western Hospital stating my surgery date and time. I
placed it under a magnet on the fridge and carried on with my day. Clearly it
played on me. Although I already knew the date and time it was right there in
my face; black and white.
I am ready for the surgery as I have accepted that it needs
to be done, BUT, I don’t want to do it. I don’t want to go and I don’t want to
accept the fact that I have cancer. Not today anyways…. I am not feeling sorry
for myself, so please don’t read this in that way. I am just angry about what
has happened to me. I am frustrated at the fact that I cannot even get in or
out of my own shower without someone holding me. I no longer have any feeling
in my right foot, and when I do walk all I can feel are the muscles in my legs
and hips tear. My entire body is covered in bruises and I am not doing anything
to cause them. I am frustrated that I can’t even carry my own groceries! And don’t
get me started on the whole medication and needles that I endure every day.
Cancer can suck it… I look at my body and see the scars that start from nearly my
ankle and run straight up my entire right leg across my groin to my pubic line,
up and around my belly button and ends between what used to be my breasts…. My battle scars...remind me of how far I have come, but I am not my outer shell.
”Out of suffering have
emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with
scars.”
Kahlil Gibran
Oh no! She
just put a picture on the internet of her half-naked body….Mom I am sorry but I
am not ashamed and I warned you that I was going to tell the truth about my
illness, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help me God. And besides
my scars are just a map that now leads to my heart….
Oh and my panties are
proof that I listened to my own advice of "what every woman should have" number
15)…
It hasn’t taken my life and it never will! I will not be another
statistic to this beast. I wish it was
in the form of a living creature so that I could beat the crap out of it. It has already taken enough of me. I am 43
going on 80..I am half the person I used to be, it has made me crazy in the
head because it has taken over almost every single thought that runs through my
mind. I can’t escape it….EVER. Everywhere
you turn there is a reminder that it lurks over you. Drive somewhere and the
car in front of you has a ribbon magnet on it, grocery store….even the damn
toilet paper can be purchased with ribbons on it. I want to buy a whole package
of toilet paper with the cancer ribbons on it…..not in support of cancer
research but just so that I can shit and wipe my ass on it!
NOW that makes me
laugh!
Why am I in such a bad way today? Because I have no control over what this is
doing to me. I have always had a very good handle on my illness and how it
affects me and yet I fail to find the strength and courage today to deal with
it. I am sore, I am tired and I want a different life. I don’t want to be
remembered this way.
When you see me ….what do you see? NOT who I am. You see
this disease that has taken over me. My shell…….NOT me. I am inside here trying
to fight my way out. I am going to sit this one out today. Me, my blankie, my
photos and my sweet Elvis singing to me while I lay on my boney ass doing
nothing. My kitchen can stay right where
it is at.
I am fine; this is just me speaking the truth…today;
anyways. I usually say I am good and that I am ok. Reality is I am not good
today. My blogs are funny and sad but they tell the story of a person that has an
illness that is not curable. I need to
share for many reasons.
1) It helps me deal with it when I do speak about it
2) It
helps others that identify with me as a patient
3) It sheds light on what
others should see in a patient.
4) I hope and pray this holds true…… I hope to
help others realize that their own lives are precious and should not be wasted
on unhappiness/discontentment.
Don’t feel sorry for me…instead take my pain and anguish and
let it scare you enough to go and do something to change at least one thing in
your life that allows you to smile. I would never wish this disease on my
worst enemy.
~Christine~
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