Day 24-Gratitude

I have written about this topic before but I am certain I could write about this every day from many different perspectives; as life presents many opportunities that change our views on what we are and should be grateful for. There are days that I focus on all the wrongs things and lose sight of the blessings in my life. When I forget to reflect on what I should be grateful for I lose sight of the great things happening all around me. I am certain those are also the days my pain and despair are a bit more than I can handle. I have learned that by ensuring that I have gratitude each and every day I am able to find the courage to face my pain. 

Gratitude forces me out of bed each day. I am thankful that I get to rise up at 5:15 am each day, and I am so ever grateful that I get to press and layout my husbands’ clothes. Then I have even more gratitude that I am allowed to make a lunch for him and his “to go” coffee….then drive him to work. 

OF course because you think you know me; that would be SARCASM……BUT it is not. Not by any means. I love the fact that I have been able to do this for him. I love my mornings and have a tremendous amount of gratitude for the relationships I have and for the people in my life. I am thankful that I am alive.

When I arrive back home after my morning run with him, I usually take care of making breakfast for Samantha and whoever else is left at home. By 7:30am I am on the 401 driving Sam to school. By 8:15 I am back home and have already had a much fulfilled day. I am grateful for this routine every single day. Mind you it can be to hard for me to find the energy to follow through, but somehow I find the ability to do it; gratitude…

I have been unable to work for quite some time and because of logistics of wording; I don’t qualify for a disability pension. So I remain as one of my children; a dependent on my husband. That is very hard to accept, swallow, deal with… but I am eternally grateful for his grace. My gratitude drives me to rise every day. 

Make no mistakes…I do wake up some mornings and stare his ass down with looks of “are you kidding me” “you don’t like the shirt I put out for you?” Ever see a deer in head lights? That would be my husband standing at the foot of the bed wishing and praying he hadn’t opened his mouth or showed any sign of discontent……he sometimes lacks “gratitude” ha ha don’t worry I know exactly how to deal with him when he does dumb stuff like that. Example: he asked me if I could change the way I press the arms of his shirt…I said” no problem sweetie, sorry about that” the next morning when he walked into the bedroom, right there hanging was his dress shirt; arms tied into a knot. It’s funny he has never said anything again about anything I put out for him…

I don’t want to get off topic and start revealing all the crazy things I do to Pat….I would have to write a novel to tell all the stories. TRUST ME….ok maybe one more…..I burnt his toast as I accidentally forgot to change the dial from high after toasting my bagel; he sighed that I burnt his toast. I never said a thing. I simply made a new set of toast; no big deal. Although when I turned the toaster back on it smoked and the fire alarm went off. I laughed and said “look 2 birds killed with just one stone babe, you get new toast and we got to check the alarm” he rolled his eyes at me and was frustrated with the 30 second scramble to reach up and shut it off. Later that night he went to bed before me ….it was amazing how he hated the feeling of all the toaster crumbs on the sheets ; his side of the bed. And yes I peed my pants laughing at his reaction, but no worries about me peeing my pants….

I WEAR DIAPERS!

Ok so back to gratitude, I have gratitude for the ability to serve my family. I when I tell you I serve them; well it is an understatement. I am and will always be that mother/wife that flies for them; every single one of them. I could be in a dead sleep and hear someone rustling around in the kitchen and I am in there 0-30secs…”what can I make you?” I do A LOT for my family; even though they don’t always notice the small things I do that I think make their own lives easier. There is gratitude in all that I do for them; I am just so very thankful that I am here and being allowed the time to be a part of their lives. By them allowing me to serve them so to speak….I feel wanted and needed. We all benefit from what I do for them. I am thankful I am alive and here with them...bottom line.

When I think about why I am thankful for my life there are certain aspects I must leave out; like my illness. That simply distracts me from what is good in my life. Although there is only one aspect of my illness that I am grateful for; the lesson it has taught me. It has taught me to look for everything and anything to be thankful for.

I am an over achiever when it comes to looking for gratitude. I am thankful for pretty much anything. Even the smallest things; a stranger pulling a cart out for me at the grocery store, not hitting every single red light, Tim Horton’s actually getting my coffee just right…. 

I write this blog for many reasons like I always say, and I have to tell you that I am amazed at how many people send me messages saying how much they identify with me. (although not many ever say that they understand my humour) I am full of gratitude as I have fear about my life being in vain. I have struggled with the idea that I haven’t found my talent, or my dream career and have always worried that I didn’t leave a mark. It is deep in me as a person to have made a difference in the life of another person or community. I simply never had the right venue to do this on a large front. Writing this blog is a small step towards that goal. You all know that my dream is to create a HOPE Foundation and when I am through with this surgery, recovery and treatment I will be focussed 100% of my time on that.

I have gratitude for my support system; even the silent supporters. The prayers and the well wishes do not go over looked. My mom and dad have grown to be such an integral part of my journey; I could not face what I do without them. My husband and children …….they are the blood that runs through my veins and pumps my heart. My friends light up my life. They are an amazing support system; the best thing they do for me, is let me be ME. I still have no idea why and how I was chosen to be called a friend to such amazing people; but I certainly have gratitude for them. 

“Happiness cannot be traveled to, owned, earned, worn or consumed. Happiness is the spiritual experience of living every minute with love, grace and gratitude”

Since the day I decided to share my journey I feel like I have grown so much. In a short week I have restarted my journey in faith, I have faced demons and such hardships from my past and have even revealed some personal issues and I am grateful for what I have learned thus far. I end each night in prayer and start off by thanking God for everything I have in my life. EVERYTHING…the good the bad and the ugly. If you are void of gratitude you have nothing. I am not talking about anything you own….I am talking about what you cannot buy or acquire. Your family, your friends, your pets (Sara & Zoe). I am finding that I am thankful and owe my own self a big thank you. I am doing all of the right things for me …..so that I can have a fuller happier and much richer life. I love myself enough to take this journey. So. Thank You Christine for doing this. “AWE you are so sweet self, I love you”

Dear Lord, Family & Friends,

I am grateful for my struggles as I am now reflecting back upon my life thus far. I now see that my greatest accomplishments and my realization of who I am today have risen from my greatest failures and struggles. I am forever grateful for the blessings in my life and you are the ones that I count twice when I think of my blessings. Thank you from the very core of who I am for calling me, Mom, Wife, Friend, Daughter, Sister and one of God’s children.

~Christine~