I ran into someone yesterday that I was quite fond of while I was growing up, I had a very pleasant conversation with this man. He asked me how my health was, as he had heard through another friend I had been ill, after dumping my whole medical situation on him and conversing about jobs and kids I said good bye and simply walked away. He called my name and asked me to come back; when I turned to him he embraced me. I felt a surge of emotion run through my body as I felt like he was hugging me good bye, and not just until we meet again, but a just in case I never see you again kind of hug. After leaving the grocery store I sat in my van and cried. It hit me that it may be a possibility.... What an incredible gesture on his part.
I have often thought about people in a way that I wonder if I or they pass away would I have settled enough with them. Could I live without feeling regret, or guilt for not just picking up the phone or reaching out somehow? I am in a position that I think about these things more so than most. I feel that I am more aware of my own mortality than most in my circle of family and friends. Despite the fact that everyone knows that they and everyone they know will die, do we really believe that there will always be a tomorrow? I may die of cancer or a heart attack, but I might die because of something else. We just don’t know our fate, not one of us does.
I have lost many people in my life and have regrets now. Regrets that are common I am sure. I should have called them one last time to say hello, and I should have said I love you, just one more time. I have a certain level of guilt because of it. I also know that the people that I have lost knew that I cared for them, but for me I live with the guilt I should have just done one more thing. Perhaps we all have those same thoughts. When my friend dear friend Peg died, I was shocked beyond belief, and yet I knew she would succumb to her cancer. She called me the day before her death to tell me that she loved me; I chuckled and told her that I loved her as well. I also told her that I would come and see her....I never did. She died the following morning, my regret lies with my own guilt of not doing something that would make me feel better. Peg was content hearing me say I love you one last time, but I lived after she died and I live with the thoughts of how I wish I could have seen her face and kiss her one last time. Would that have been enough for me? Maybe and maybe not, it is human nature to want more, more, more.....
The common advice "don’t go to bed angry", or "don’t leave the house without saying good bye or I love you"....that must have been started by someone many years ago who lost someone unexpectedly. We take every day for granted; every single moment of our lives is on borrowed time! We know this and yet do we ever really stop and capitalize on the fact that we know this? Do we ever stop and really make sure that we have our thoughts in check? How often do we let our children leave our homes in someone else’s car or let our spouse leave the house without first muttering a simple I love you, a meaningful I love you... I am not suggesting living a paranoid life in fear of our loved ones dying, but how often to actually think about them not returning? It is hard to suggest this, but I believe we must stop and ponder that thought every once in a while.
I am all about settling issues with people that mean the world to me, in fact I feel desperate about this topic. I am terrified for my family, in the sense that I don’t want them to live with any regrets of how our relationship was after I die. I worry about my spouse beating himself up for things he could have done differently, or my children wishing they would have expressed their love in a different way... I also live with the fear I may not tell them something I wanted to say. I am sure we all think like this, I am just making it a real conversation. That is what the motivating passion was behind creating my blog. I wanted to connect my emotions with the people that I care for and reach out to others so they perhaps can learn from my journey. All along it has been my goal to talk honestly about life and more specifically my life.
I am not embarrassed about sharing my life, as I know many of you who read this blog identify with my struggles, and most of you know that my struggles are not just with health, in fact my health has also caused many struggles in different aspects of my life. We all have difficulties with family and our friends, but it takes courage to expose them and to deal with them. That is the point of saying “think about your death not just your life.” Honestly, at the end of the day all you have is your life. In death you are a memory, but in life you are a force. I want my life to be a force of passion and peace. I really don’t care about material things, I only want love. I want connections to people and to the spirit of what life was intended to be. Yesterday I was hugged maybe for the last time by this man, and he will never know the extent of what that meant to me. He could have just avoided me and went down another isle, but he didn’t. How many times could we have taken the time to say hello to someone and didn’t? Five minutes out of your life may save you a life time of should haves. I know that I have to change that part of me as well. I admit to having done the exact thing I warn against.
So here I am trying to settle things with people, and there are some people in my life that don’t get it. They don’t get that for me it is very important to have that courageous conversation about what needs to be fixed or changed. I really don’t care what happened 20 years ago, I am passed it and quite frankly I don’t care what happened last week. I simply care about today, and what will happen now. If I have done something wrong then tell me and then get over it, so that we can enjoy the rest together. I am desperate for that. We all should be. I have had to accept that just because I may be dying that...... it may not matter to the other person that I am trying to connect with..... they may just not be on the same page. Does that mean that they don’t love me enough to deal with our issues? No it just means they are not ready too. Perhaps they believe time is on their side and will think it through later, I only hope that later does not mean after.
Make it a priority in life to take the few steps it takes to protect you later. Car insurance, life insurance, property insurance we all know what they are for and we know the costs of having them in place....so having said this, place insurance on your emotional investments, the cost to do so is free. On your to do list add a phone number or email. Reach out to others as often as you can even in the simplest ways. Yes Life is too short but Life is too long to live with regrets.
~Christine~
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