What would you do for you?

What are you willing to do for you? What lengths will you go to guarantee that you succeed? How do you surround yourself with people that will encourage your strive for success? How hard will you fight? Are you willing to stand alone to achieve?

I often wonder how certain individuals have been able to achieve personal contentment, and by this I mean personal success and self love. More over I wonder about the support systems that they have created to ensure their success. I have never been someone who has fought for me, I have achieved very little in my life in comparison to what my wishes of success have been. There are so many things that I personally wish I would have done differently, but the biggest regret that I have is....thinking that I had limitations, and then believing that I was limited. That by far has been my biggest failure. When I was a child I truly believed that I was a big deal, and that somehow I was above my own self. I was going to be successful and famous, and yet I was a mediocre student, few friends and not popular by any means. But in my own mind I had big plans for myself.

I did not have a great support system growing up, and truth is not many of the authority figures in my life took the time to find out what made me tick. Nor did they ever take the time to empower me enough to allow me to share my thoughts of my future. Perhaps they didn’t see my potential or they just didn’t care. When I read back through my journals and diaries from my youth I am quite surprised to see what I was thinking at such a young age. I once wrote in my journal that “I feel like I am walking through my own life without my feet touching the ground.” I was 13 years old when I wrote that... I still feel the same way today. Does that mean I have no footing, no grounding, and no stability? I think it means I have yet to find my true success in life. The truth is I don’t blame anyone for where I am today; I just wish I would have fought harder for me when it counted.

I wish the influences in my life would have been different and that I would have loved myself enough to not care about what others thought. So afraid of my own self that I catered to the bullshit of others and the cliques that I now know were insignificant at the time. A general feeling of unworthiness will describe my high school years. And yet I look back on it now and think my feelings were unjustified. There was nothing wrong with me, other than the fact that; what? I didn’t have money? Or a big home? Status has nothing to do with self worth...nothing!

So now that I am an adult and wanting to live a great life, the decisions that I make each and every day are about me and my happiness first. Which is not selfish by any means, my children are clearly always in my thoughts and considerations when I make decisions. It is just that I now take me into account first, which means better decisions for my family. If I won’t settle for just anything either will they.

My fight right now is not just about cancer. In fact, my cancer is secondary to me. I am first. I am fighting for me. I not only want to live I want to live great. Free, happy and doing what I want to do; without the stress of judgment, opposition, or restraints of others in any way. I will never allow myself to be defined by others. I am no longer the spouse of, the daughter of, the sibling of. I am not “of” anyone other than myself. I am Christine and I am fighting for me. My success is around the corner and for the very first time in my life I am not afraid to reach out to it.

The success I speak of is not wealth; it is self respect and love. This is the type of success that cannot be measured by any tangible means. Nor can it be judged or scrutinized by anyone other than me. I am 40 years old and have finally surrounded myself with individuals that support me and encourage me to do what makes me happy. In fact these people have taught me so much about me and have reminded me that I have the freedom to achieve and in turn will celebrate every aspect of my life. The nay sayers are simply not allowed to have input, as I have learned to not share with the ones who won’t encourage me in the end.

This is exactly what I want for my girls. Independent free spirited self sustaining women! I want them to care about others and support the ones in their lives to reach their goals but to also be smart enough to choose the right people to share their lives with, and who will in turn support their aspirations. I want them to dream without barriers and achieve the impossible. We all want this for our children, but how do we make sure of it? I guess the real answer to that is to lead by example and realize that you are the greatest influence on your children. 

~Christine~