I promised not only me but that of every one else who dared to share my journey that we would be able to begin living a much richer and fuller life if we just learned how to step out side of our every day selves and routines. It is easier said then done to just "love" yourself but tell me this.....if you are to expect some one else to love you and fulfill all your needs and wants shouldn't you already be doing it for you? How else will the other person know how to love you if you do don't show them the way.
I can't even begin to imagine that I have wasted over 40 years of my life not ever putting me first; in that I have never loved me the way I needed to. I had failed me more than anyone else I have ever allowed. I am so worth being happy; I deserve to smile and find joy in the things that I chose to. Free from opinions or bias from another living soul. Christine is worth her weight..... that may sound easy to read but I weep just thinking of how long it has taken me to reach that.
It also has taken me just as long to realized that no matter what you do or fail to do another person will only ever be willing to love you as much as they are a capable. Sometimes it is not enough and sometimes it is over baring; either way there are toxicities in relationships.....it is ok to walk away. What it is NOT ok is to be disrespectful of another person while doing it. Each of us have a right to live out our own lives free from judgement of another person. God is the only person that will ever be allowed to judge me....ever.
So now that I am home I am kind of going a bit stir crazy as it is hard to do anything...my pain level is off the charts! and I am exhausted; which is common after liver resection as all my bodies energy is going to rejuvenate my liver. It is hard to focus to type or to read. This post has literally taken me hours as I have to keep re-typing everything I type...grrrr. BUT I am determined to do something with this day...anything. Early today I sat outside in the sun and can't describe the excitement I felt having the sun warm my skin. Of course I could have done without the damn bloody noses that keep happening......My poor husband. The things that he has been doing for me over the past few weeks are more than anyone could ask. Each time I asked him to jot down my thoughts I could see his uneasiness with each sentence he wrote....I knew I made no sense but I didn't care as I am sure there was a connection to everything I said.
I m going to take it easy over the next few weeks as the last place I want to end up is back in the hospital! TRUST ME!! But I will be working on my big plans for the book launch and for the Hope Foundation kick off.. What joy that will bring my community. Keep Smiling and keep loving yourself. Life is so worth having you in it.
Love ~Christine~
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