Day 11-Emotional Friday

I was woken up and greeted with a wet kiss this morning, no not from Pat...my little hell on wheels Miss Zoe; my baby, my little dog. Miss Sara my 14 year loyal dog was nestled at the foot of my bed, while Lucy-Fur was attacking my face. I am her mommy, that dog seriously loves me. It does not matter where I am in the house she is within 2 inches of my feet. This morning my husband threw her in bed with me.. I was tearing, she jumped on my face an licked my tears away. But don't think she was trying to console me, she just wanted me to get over whatever I was going through, get out of bed and get her that morning treat she loves so much. I guess I should admit that she gave me the motivation to get on with my day.

I  got ready as I was excited about having breakfast yet again with one of my dear friends. I love Greg; he is an amazing spirit. Every time I am with him, well actually every time I think of him I smile. The nourishment his friendship gives me is like a much needed dose of medicine. He is my big brown Teddy Bear. We had breakfast and shared our stories of what is happening in our life. I am so proud of what he does with his life and what he does for others.  He is so excited as he his beginning a new journey in life; he is opening what is going to be the BEST bakery/pizzeria this town has ever seen.. as I know that this giving person will serve the needs of so many hungry people in this community. His mission, his life; is to give and for that reason alone I know his business will be as successful as God intends for him.

 I needed today to be with him...he helps me deal with some pretty heavy stuff and of course he leads me back to acceptance and peace each time.I always love seeing him. Greg, you are so loved and admired and I thank you with all of my being for reminding me and showing me that God is good and is there to lean on. Now having said all this nice stuff about him...let me tell you that he thinks I am a "hot mess"...and not because I am "hot" but because I am so messed up. When he laughs in my presence ...he is laughing with the "oh my GOD...is she for real"..which makes me so happy to think that he is perplexed as to how in the hell he has anything to do with the likes of me.

The rest of my day is much of a blur as I have not been able to put my feet down for more than 2 minutes and concentrate on anything. I have only a few days left to get some stuff done before I head off to London. Now that I have to go there 2 additional days next week...I am not sure I will get everything done. I have a HUGE list and very little time to do it.(no pun intended)...

I am just extremely overwhelmed tonight, I am calling everything into question. Should I go? Should I get the surgery? What is all this worth? I am probably just scared shitless...well maybe not shitless ..I wish (no depends). But really scared. I am having alot of feelings of remorse, regret, wish I could have this, wish I didn't do that...yup all of this running through my mind every minute. I am exhausted beyond belief but I don't want to sleep and waste my hours...

I just wish I could make all of this go away.... I want to freeze time so that I can catch up on everything. Then I ask myself, "why does it matter about the house?..why does it matter about that? Ha! Then I end up feeling angry for wasting my energy on useless stress... I am also sad at the fact that I am admitting that I have yet to hear from a person that I love very much who apparently just doesn't care enough about me to contact me.....which makes me feel so unworthy....I know it is out of my control but you would think that.....screw it.....I need a bottle of wine, my pj's, my blankie and my soft bed and just re-group and re-focus tomorrow. I am no good to myself or anyone else tonight.

I just want to say thank you to everyone that has been emailing me and commenting on my entries....I feel so loved and supported. Tonight I am tired , it has been a long week. I don't know if I am coming or going....and my emotions are very high and low, so I apologize for my rambling. I have some pretty heavy posts coming your way for next 10 days. I promise to go light on the tears while writing. Each day I try and tackle the big topics....it makes me want to suck my thumb and crawl into bed. 

However, I have never heard a single person ever say that life is easy. I am doing the best I can to deal with my life, and doing this blog makes it easier for me. So thank you for taking the time to read my thoughts.

~Christine~ 

Just really like this quote