I was supposed to go to London on Friday this week but the hospital called and had me go a day earlier (today). I wanted to go by myself and not because I am mad at anyone; I just wanted to listen to my music and cruise the 401 alone. However, my parents insisted that they attend my appointments with me...it turned out to be a good thing I had someone there with me.
My appointment was supposed to be about filling out the insurance papers and discussing the medications that I am currently taking followed by some standard blood work. It turned out to not be so simple after all. I ended up having several meetings with several different doctors. All to tell me how bad my situation is...
I had by-pass surgery this past year on 2 separate occasions. The issue is that my blood keeps clotting and in turn causes me to have blockages. Having said that I have yet to fully recover from my last surgery. My right leg in particular causes me a tremendous amount of grief. This is the leg that I almost had amputated from the knee down. I had explained to the nursing staff when I had my surgery appointment about a month ago that I was still experiencing pain in my right foot. Today........they told me I have another blockage. There was little to no pulse in my foot.
So now I have to see another cardiologist and have another angio-gram done. I also have to go to London for two days next week and under go 2 other procedures with respect to my heart. They explained that they are concerned about the level of oxygen reaching my heart. Also they worry about my heart while I am under anesthetic......so depending on what they find over the next week (heart wise)will determine how they proceed with my surgery for my liver; if at all.
My surgery date has not changed and nor have they cancelled it, they are simply wanting to make sure I can handle the surgery. They did tell me that this certainly complicates things even more for me. "Should you want to continue as planned, we will work around that." I didn't even know how to respond to that. I felt defeated.... work around what? Me dying???? like what the hell did that mean???
The other concern is my diabetes. Normal sugar levels range between 3-7....of course mine are consistently in the mid 20's. Dangerous levels. Despite insulin injections, dietary monitoring....they are still ridiculously high and uncontrollable. They will now need to have an endocrinologist present while I am "under'.
Then the best part of my day (well at the hospital) a great conversation about the risks of going ahead with the surgery. The heart/diabetes significantly increases my chances of a heart attack "on the table" which could be fatal.......the other option is to leave the cancer and let it takes its' course. I felt like they were making me decide how I want to die and when. I was unable for the first time in my life, find humour. I had no witty come backs or smart ass remarks. I just sat there and listened to my options. I have not decided as of yet if I will entertain any options other than surgery. At the end of the day I guess I just want this disease out of me.....at ALL costs.
I asked him even though I didn't want to..."if I have a heart attack, which is pretty much what you are saying may happen...will I feel the pain and if I die on the table will I feel it?" Answer ; "no.... But in the event that should such a thing happen, how do you want us to handle your family?"
We had a lovely conversation about this (sarcasm) but I did ask him for an envelope and wrote a note as to who and what to say, he put it in my chart.... This made my whole experience so far very real; I am scared to death... well not to death or ...never mind it was scary. No big girl pants on me today; I could not handle the reality of this whole process.
After I was all through with my blood work, x rays, paper work, torture chamber conversations I left the hospital with mom and dad on a mission to get a hamburger. That is all I could think about...so weird. I drove like a Nascar driver during rush hour....Dad offered to drive home today so that I could "rest".. haha. What a gracious man.I ended up taking my mom and dad to Jack Astors for a cheese burger dinner. I sat across from them in a lovely booth. We enjoyed cheesy garlic bread prior to our burgers arriving. My dad ordered a tall draft beer while mom and I had diet coke. I sat and stared at my dad while he slowly sipped his beer. After we finished eating I wanted them to order dessert; truth is I didn't want to leave the restaurant.
I wanted to hide there with them forever. Just sitting and enjoying some good food. I didn't want heavy conversation about anything. We just talked about food. I was so thankful for that. I often complain that life seems to go on no matter what you are going through...cars still go by, people still do thier every day routines and for the first time ever I hid in that. I hid in "life goes on"....to my advantage. I just pretended that nothing was going on in my life outside of the mayo and ketchup spilling out of my fathers over loaded burger onto his paper bib. I was and continue to be so grateful for that 1 hour that I shared with my parents. I escaped the battle; even just for a small amount of time.
At this point I am not sure where I stand other than I am in desperate need of a life saving operation. My heart loves me and I love my heart so I may just rely on that. My heart.
1 thing I did do today was remind them all that I am ready to fight for my life and asked them to match my level of positive energy; even 10% will get me through. That is how certain I am that I will make it....I also reminded them by wearing the shirt I got that describes me best. Thank you for reading my blog
~Christine~
ok the "selfie" is not so good but the shirt does say
WARRIOR..
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