I have obviously needed to sit and reflect upon my life because of what I face, however it is something I should have already done and we should all do. Look around your home and stare at your possessions and try to tell me that any of those items bring you the same level of love, admiration and fulfillment that even just one person who loves you can bring. I am a lucky woman.
I am guilty of getting caught up in life and at times measuring myself to what I thought was the norm... the expected...the have's and the "toys". I am ashamed that I have allowed myself to ever care or worry about things that are so irrelevant in life. Why does it matter so much to people what others think? Why have I wasted my time thinking I was unworthy because of another persons idea of what I should be? Why am I not pretty enough? Why am I not accepted by you? Why do people hurt me? When will I ever measure up? Why do I fail?Why should I have wasted my precious time?
Truth is, at the end of the day no one really cares....it is our own insecurities that make us believe that we will just never be good enough....why? I wish I knew the answer to this; as I know so many of us are caught in that vicious cycle of not loving ourselves enough. True love and acceptance of oneself would never allow someone to ever be measured by a factious stick set out by such a screwed up society. People just don't get it....love, acceptance, joy, peace and family is the key to happiness....that is it; nothing else matters.
Don't ever be fooled by the beautiful art that someone else has painted. Don't measure yourself by what others portray. No home, is perfect. Everyone hurts for something. I; because of my illness has lost everything. I am no measure to anyone for "earthly possessions"...and I am thankful for that. If you know me, you know that I can only be measured for who I am and for what I stand for. But.... I am still guilty at times of feeling inadequate.
I hope and pray to God that my daughters never ever think that they are not good enough, or pretty enough or smart enough. I hope that they will always have the courage to walk the path of their own journeys without the pressure of others. That their notion of happiness is determined by the song their own hearts sing. I hope that they know that the measure of a person is what they are willing to do for another human being and not determined by the size of their wallet. I also hope that they know that the man who has nothing; has EVERYTHING to give, for all he can give you is himself.
I want the world for my children...we all do. Life is so complicated and I know that I am just starting to figure it out and I am 43 years old...how long have I had my own head buried in the sand? Life is all about goodness and blessings. Not one other thing. I am such a lucky woman and dare I even say that this cancer has been a blessing for me; in that it has made me look at life so differently and I fear had I not been diagnosed I would have ended up like the others that chase all that is worth nothing.
Today I am scared to death knowing that I am going into the hospital in a weeks time. I know that I am fighting for my life...but I think many people are fighting for their lives; we all are trying to find happiness and contentment before we die. WE ALL ARE... I am just so thankful and appreciative that I have been able to look back upon my life and count all of my blessings despite my dark days. I am hanging my head today in awe of the beauty that surrounds me. I have taken my 30 day challenge with courage and strength, and with the knowledge I would come to the conclusions that I have today.
I have faced my biggest fears, I have conquered notions about me and others. I have questioned my faith and have been anointed with the blessing of everlasting life.I have cried and I have laughed over the past 20 days, and when I say cry...I have fallen to my knees in deep despair. I am NOT ready to give up hope and nor am I ready to leave this earth....especially now since I have cleansed myself of all the demons, and horrible notions of what I should have been. I love me for me and am happy with where I am ....for the first time in my life. I can tell you this; it was worth the journey. YOU are worth the journey....my goal was to be in a better place so that I can live a fuller, happy, more meaningful life....or be "Heaven Worthy"
I am going to wake up a new person on March 17th, and when I do look out! I promised my husband today that while he sees me sleeping to know that inside is a little woman fighting to get out, I will be be kicking and screaming. I told him to believe in me and trust that I am not ready to go yet.
No matter what happens to me I fought for me, and I have been worth it and regardless of the outcome I am free. I am Christine, I am a woman that loves her family more than the air that I breathe; I am the wealthiest woman in the world.
~Christine~
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