HOPE....

The definition of Hope is the following: “A feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen”.

When I read the definition I automatically assume that hope is an optimistic feeling of desire, one would rarely hear someone “hope” for disaster ..... The word hope is also referred to in the bible. “with hope, all things are possible.” This word has a great deal of meaning to me, not just because I am battling cancer. The word is relative to all things possible in life. Joy, happiness, success and love. I do not associate that powerful word to wealth or material goods as I do not believe that hope can be found in tangible things.

The hope that I have for my life in particular is about my children and the lives they embark upon. I hope for goodness in their lives. I see it in their eyes, and feel it in their spirits. I have very little possessions in my life; in fact I own very little. I am ok with this, as I have learned that not one material good will give me the joy that life has to offer. The little things in life that we choose to see and hold on to are what makes hope real. For me there are many small things that remind me what life is truly meant to be. The fact that I love geese so much has very little to do with the bird itself, rather the moments that I happen to see one causes me to stop and wonder why they appear at the very moment I am trying to figure something out. That is a blessing for me. Take for example; this past week I experienced more than one person should have to bare, and while trying to explain my feelings to a friend a flock of geese flew directly over me and it caused me to stop speaking and look up....the crying stopped as I realized right at that moment it was not worth the emotions wasted on negativity. So what did the flock of geese mean? Quite simply it served as a reminder to me that life is about joy and what makes you happy.....

Hope is the whisper that God uses to speak to our hearts not our heads.. Truth. God wants us to be filled with love and compassion for not only others but ourselves. The world we live in can be a source of misery and strife, as there are so many negative behaviours and events that destroy our hope. We must find ways to see the small things that make living enjoyable. God sends us blessing every single day, it is up to us to see them, feel them, appreciate them and share them with others. I admit that on occasion I lose sight of that and get caught up in situations that end up tearing me down and perhaps others on my path. It doesn’t take long before I remember what my role is and what my mission in life is to get me back on the right path.

Hope is plastered everywhere on frames, pictures, plaques ...it has almost become a commercial phenomenon, but it resonates with me each and every time I see the word. I truly believe that God puts people on our path to remind us that there is proof of hope everywhere we turn. I was in New York this past week at the cancer clinic; while I was there a few amazing things happened to me. While sitting on a bench a man came and sat beside me which is not uncommon in a major city to have people share tables or benches...anyway, this guy had a machine attached by IV. He smiled I smiled back, and within a few minutes we were chatting up a storm. He turned out to be the same age as me and actually had the same name( guy version) Chris. He began sharing his journey with cancer and asked me how long I was battling. I never told him I was a cancer patient and nor were there any signs I am. He just knew. He told me that he decided to fight so hard for himself that he left his family to travel to this cancer centre for HIM. He was directed to have his left arm removed due to his cancer. His family insisted he do so.  He refused to. He has endured 15 surgeries on his arm, having cadaver bone after bone all rejecting, until he arrived in New York. The doctors there decided to remove a bone from his leg, and voila...it took.

~Chris~

August 2011

His family was not the most supportive of all this but he said at the end of the day I want my arm, and that is all that matters. “I am fighting for what I want for me, so it’s the right decision for me”. I have to tell you that I needed to hear that from him....anyone. It was a conversation meant just for me, Chris had a mission of hope for himself and he shared it with me, which is what God wants from each of us.

After sharing with this man for what seemed like hours, I mustered the courage to call one of my friends to share the news of what the hospital was telling me.. As I started to speak and cry a beautiful white feather blew across my feet and hovered by me for a few seconds and moved on. It served as a reminder to me that hope is all around me. (You may have read in previous blogs about white feathers and me,) they serve as a reminder that there is life after death and that there is hope in believing that you are never alone. I stopped crying as I felt comforted and less sad after that. I said my goodbyes on the phone, jumped in a taxi and went on with my day.

The news I got was devastating, and to be honest I had an incredibly shitty situation at home to deal with but it just stopped, the grief the anger all of it. One simple reminder that there is hope is all I needed. That does not mean that life does not still hurt or that situations that arise will not be hard to deal with, but the truth is I allow myself to be open to the possibilities that there is more to life than misery or problems. Winning the lottery or having a bunch of material goods dropped off to me will not make me happy, not in the slightest bit. Having good friends that love me unconditionally and having family that is fighting for me is all I need. My children are symbols of hope. Their youth and innocence is the very virtue of hope. Their blessing was me getting cancer....it has taught them that life is precious, that happiness is paramount and the biggest lesson they learned......love yourself enough to fight for you. HOPE is all we have. Feel it, believe it and share it through your love and your actions......

~Christine~