Have you ever found yourself second guessing the path you have chosen to walk? I am at a bit of a cross road. There seems to be too many paths to choose in my life and yet no path I begin to stroll down feels right, so I keep doing the carrousel ride right back to the beginning and thinking and thinking and rethinking the whole journey. Largely to do with the fact that I am not in a good state of mind; lately I have been questioning my ability to fight, and my worthiness of a fight. I am tired... actually I am exhausted! Drama, finances, stress, you name it I am tired of it. My only consideration right now should be to get better, enjoy and celebrate whatever I can. Problem is I fear it may be all too much for me to handle. I am admitting that I am not feeling as strong mentally as I should, which is causing me to second guess the decisions I have made.
The big question is quantity or quality?....and truth is I am not sure that without quality, quantity is that important. Having come forward with my plea for help financially to get me to another country has left me extremely vulnerable, and without my protective gear. I have also allowed myself to be in a position that allows others a major say in what I do and how I will do it. In all reality I should be dictating what I need and how I need it, and because I haven’t done that...... I am now in a position that I feel accountable or like I have to justify why I am doing what I am doing.
This past week I traveled to New York to seek Medical advice from an oncology team renowned worldwide in dealing with my type of cancer. This experience has changed me and the way I view myself. First let me tell you how proud I am of me... I got there! While in New York I wondered, I dreamt, I fantasized, and I hit rock bottom. It was a bitter sweet “vacation”. Although I visited the Big Apple and saw all the major attractions I never really had my feet on the ground. One minute I wanted to fight like hell and get this cancer out of me so that I could move on and have a long successful career.....but then the next minute I wanted to get my blankie and crawl into bed and hope I never woke up.
Cancer Clinic by day and living out a fantasy during the night down in Times Square, so profoundly was mirroring my inner conflict of peace and war. Tranquil and accepting of my fate by day and living large as a “I want it all woman” by night. I stopped every lunatic on the street, got photos with them. I found a group of young black men rapping on the street corner; I approached them and asked them to “drop a beat with me”...... all while mortifying my daughter who ensued with the camera capturing my desperation to escape my realities...
I managed to convince my daughter to take a carriage ride through Central Park with me, as I have always wanted to do this. It was hard convincing her as she feared I would make a scene about finally getting my wish to do this. I assured her I would be fine. I climbed up on to the carriage and immediately convulsed into tears, dry heaves and uncontrollable sobbing....to the point that the driver felt so bad he comforted me and allowed me to sit up front with him and steer the horse and buggy.
~Me & Samantha Carriage Ride Through Central Park August 2011~
I treated my trip to New York as if it would be my last, despite the fact that I will be returning for treatments. I just could not wrap my head around actually having this come true for me. I fear something will happen to keep me from getting better. To ask me if I know why I feel this way, I would fail to give a proper response. I am not sure why I feel this way. Last week a friend joked with me through an email and said “does bad shit just follow you?” as the first day I arrived there was an earthquake, and the last day I was there was the day the city of New York began to shut down in preparation of Hurricane Irene. I didn’t chuckle when I read that question as I actually wonder if it is true.
Life is difficult and truth is I have way too much on my plate to deal with, too many details to work out and too much unsettled emotions and loose ends here at home. I don’t have the fortitude to stand up and put myself completely first, which is what I should and need to be doing. I should be only thinking about me and my children right now and yet I am overwhelmed with everything but. I am finding it difficult to put myself first, selfishly put myself first. I need to do this, and yet fail to understand how to. I guess I am scared..... and I am terrified to step outside of my normal comfort zones to go off and heal myself. Truth is being a mom for over 18 years, and a spouse for 20 ...I just never learned how to put myself first. My life has been a dedication to my family’s needs for so long that I am having a hard time putting that role on hold for any length of time. I have truly lived for them for so long that I am not sure if I even know how to put me first without having a tremendous amount of guilt.
Even putting things in perspective as to why I would put myself first I still feel incredibly out of sorts. I just don’t know how to let go and do what I need to do. This is a very hard spot to be in. I know my family especially my children want me to do whatever I need to do.....jeez this is hard!
At the end of the day I guess I need to surround myself with positive energy and people that love and support me. I also need to be loved and encouraged to do what is right and BEST for me. I also know that I have learned the hard way that the only real person to love and support you fully in the ways you need to be successful is you. I am the key. I need to find whatever it is in me to do this. At the end of the day you need to be accountable to only you for yourself. I will be heading back to New York this week to settle into an apartment and begin the process of getting better; I just hope in the end I can survive this huge adjustment.
~Christine~
~Me at the "top" of the stairs in Central Park,I climbed each step to show Samantha that life is just a big staircase...and made her promise me she would find a way to reach the top of hers...~
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