Balance...

Wow this is a big topic that has the potential of going in so many different directions. I will try and stay focused on what my idea of balance is.... A short time ago my oldest daughter approached me about getting a tattoo, and of course my immediate response was absolutely NOT! Although she is 18 and has the right to decide what she wants to do to her body, I gave her many reasons why she shouldn’t. I explained to her that many people often think they want to mark their bodies with brands of someone else’s saying or of a character that at the time may mean something. Far too often most people regret; not necessarily getting a tattoo but what the actual tattoo is of. So to humour her I asked her what she would forever engrave upon her body. She stated the word Balance. I was quite shocked that an 18 year old would have such a profound liking to that word. She gave me her reasons as to why she favoured this word. Of course out of respect to her I will not share those reasons. The last month or so I have been in a state of turmoil, for absolutely every reason you could think of, and all I keep thinking about is the word “Balance”.

For many people balance of profession and family and all the responsibilities that go with being an adult is a difficult thing to achieve. For me, I have not been capable of balancing a damn thing. Putting things into perspective has been difficult. The balance between being an individual and being an individual in a relationship when 2 people are at completely different points is quite challenging. Especially when a person, ok me, is thinking their life is about to end. My balance is not about financial matters anymore, and whether I will achieve the “greatness” of home ownership or status... I simply (right now) don’t care about anything other than just living, living big, on the edge kind of living... I have realized that I truly have no balance right now. I can’t, because I have extreme emotions and passions that won’t allow me to have or even try to find a balance. My life is too unfair right now to even want to try and find it. My daughter is 18 years old and has the right idea! Life is about balance, balance between real life and fantasy. About dreaming and succeeding with the realistic dreams and not chasing the pipe dreams. Balancing the good with the bad. Having a shit f&*^ of a day and finding something to smile about to offset the shit.

I am not into reality shows, trust me... but since I have become unable to sleep...grrr...sometimes for days; I have taken up TV and lots of it. Truthfully I can go months without turning it on, but lately I have been watching hours and hours of it. I am now obsessed with Reality shows. Most recently I started watching the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. I only watched this because I could not find the damn remote and was truly too friggen lazy to get off the couch. I watched the show, and immediately thought “great, spoiled rich bitches complaining about their lives”...but then I felt entrapped by the emotional connection I had with some of the characters. One woman in particular made me cry and actually touched me, weird.... at first I thought with judgement as this woman had 7 homes and absolutely everything you could think of at her disposal, including the greatest ass and rack I ever saw! (not gay, but not blind either) She sat on her sofa and cried into the camera and said, “I just want my husband to love me. I would give all of this away just to have him love me, I mean really love me.” Then she says “there is no balance in my life.” Now I am laying there thinking what the hell? You have everything!!! But the truth is she has nothing, because she is empty inside.. The balance thing is huge. She is right too much of one and not enough of the other, doesn’t matter what the specifics are it is just a huge truth. I think most people know what I am talking about. You can laugh and say I would take her money and lifestyle and find a balance, but most wouldn’t be able to. Having too much of one thing over powers the little or not enough of the something else. And in the end we lose sight of balance. Sometimes our too much of one thing could be all about problems, frustrations and blah blah blahs, which will make it difficult to not only see that we need to rebalance but not even know where to start the process of actually balancing.... I might be there right now!!

Striking a balance within relationships can also be a difficult task, not only in marriages but friendships as well. I am at loss right now, as I am not sure what is good or bad for me. I don’t want to be consumed with problems but fear my lack of balance may be a catalyst to other issues. Take for example boundaries, I am incapable of setting my own; that is to say.....I don’t know how to tell others when I feel that my lines are being crossed, I want and need help from others but what I need is help striking that balance that I need to be emotionally ready to forge ahead with what I need to do for me. Having said that, I need people in my life that understand what my priorities are and have enough love and respect for me that they don’t try to change what my priorities are or should be according to their own standards. In other words I want encouragement from my loved ones to help find my Zen but with that means I want to assist my loved ones in the same way;something we should all be doing with people in our lives, and NOT tipping the scales by adding stress, or by taking away our joy.

At the end of the day, I want to be in a place of contentment and peace. My daughter is amazingly gifted to be able to see that life is all about balance. I am blessed to know that even before she takes on a career and a family she gets it. Although she has left an incredible impression upon me by engaging my thoughts about what balance really is, I still don’t want her tattooing it on her body. I want her happiness to be her reminder of balance not a word etched in her skin. 

~Christine~