Growing up I never really asked my mother’s advice about dating, guys or serious relationships. I just assumed everything I was doing in the relationships I was having …was normal. I also thought that when you fall in love with the man you marry; it would just work…and you live happily ever after end of story. (oh boy)
I have three teenage daughters that are at the age of dating, crushes, head in the cloud kind of love and the dreaded heartbroken failed relationships. I am an outsider to all the fine details of the relationships they have with boys, as I am the MOTHER. However, I do force them to listen to my opinions, my speeches and my knowledge of the enemy… ..I mean men.
I often wondered how I would approach the relationship speeches with them until …..I was faced with a distraught teenager, and the words just magically flowed. One only needs to hear her daughter cry once over a boy to know exactly what to say. There is not much that can be said to calm her after she has had her heart ripped out of her chest by the little bastard, but reassurance that these types of boys are needed….to learn how to appreciate the better ones that come along.
I refer to these boys as “training wheels”, and we all need them so that someday we can ride the big boy bikes. I also explain to them that each guy they date( even if it turns out ugly in the end) had something good about them. I tell the girls to journal the things they liked about the boy, and look for that in the next one, encouraging them to build up to the perfect one… (ok who we kidding, there is no perfect one) I also encourage them to find out what it was they liked about themselves while they were dating this guy, as we learn a lot about ourselves when we are with others. Can someone really bring out the best in you? Absolutely. I am not trying to prepare them for marriage yet, but it never hurts to help them look at the selection process, starting now when the idea of relationships and feelings of love are new and fresh.
I also tell them A LOT, to not expect much from these boys, as the maturity level in high school is just not there. Girls invest emotionally in relationships much more than boys, and often their hearts are broken as little Johnny loves you today, and starts dating your best friend tomorrow.
I have had my heart broken maybe once or twice (grrr…feels like yesterday)…..when I look back to when I first started dating as a teenager, my biggest failure was becoming the boy, that is to say I lost myself in the relationship and that was all I could think about. When the relationship ended I was lost. This is a fear I have for my girls. I try to ensure that the time they spend with their boyfriends is balanced by spending the same amount of time with their girl friends. Hoping they never invest more than they are willing to lose.
So what did my mother fail to tell me?…. Well a few things actually, with respect to men relationships and marriage. Men are simple, very simple in fact. They like to communicate in short sentences, usually with a yes or no answer. Men prefer to fix things, not listen to problems. So if you cry, complain or yell, and happen to notice while doing so that they are staring off to the abyss….Well they are not trying to identify with you nor are they feeling sorry for you; they are searching in the “tool box “ for the right instrument to fix you. When they realize they can’t fix you…they yell. The intention is not to offend you (even though they often do) they just want you to stop leaking and smile. They truly need to know you are ok, because we all know if “Momma is happy, everybody is happy.”
Women are complex emotional beings and unfortunately men are not. Trying to get your mate to sit with you for hours talking about issues, is highly unlikely in fact it probably won’t happen. Unless you can find away to break it down play by play, or you could hood wink him into thinking something else is about to happen, and when he finds himself comfortable on the sofa proceed with a “Can I talk to you for a minute?”
Men are trainable but they are not our family pets, we should not have to clean up after them (put the GOD D**N seat down). Men also need to feel that what they say matters, even if what they are suggesting to you is absurd… the way I look at is like this….the man is the head of the household, but we the ladies are the necks! We have the ability to turn the head to see whatever it is we want them to see! (Valuable Info) in the end he made the decision , therefore he is proud, and happy.
When it comes to sex ladies…… just do it! Who cares how tired you, or that you have been home with the kids all day…it may only take 3-4 minutes and then you are done. Trust me this is a BIG one, eventually the kids will be grown up and you will hit your sexual peak, he will remember the times when you were “unavailable”. This is not something you want to tinker with… EVER!
The other misconception is that women think our partners are only attracted to us when we are “done up”. Or that if we put on a few extra pounds on, we are no longer sexually viable??? Truth is YES they notice, only because we do. Men want confidence in a sexual partner, not someone who doesn’t want their partner looking at their imperfections.
Men rarely notice what is usually a big deal to us. How many times have you felt you looked amazing or had your hair done and he never noticed? So why think he only notices the ‘bad things”. If your partner has a concern about your appearance and he brings it up in a loving compassionate way then great, but if he ridicules you about having a “fat ass”, put deep heat in his underwear before bed and watch him freak out when he feels like his balls are on fire…. (just kidding)
My mother also never told me that I wouldn’t always want to be married to my spouse; most days you think you love them, but other days not so much. Mom never told me that marriage is a decision, not just the day he asks but the days you wonder if you should be there, especially when the times get rough. I always thought that once you loved someone you always just loved them, but now I know you have to remind yourself of that love and continually decide ….Yes.
I am 40 and finally ready to be in a relationship. I get it now; I have figured out most of my “issues” and finally love me. I am not sure getting married at 20 was the most brilliant choice considering I didn’t start maturing until I was 39 ½ , but I am ready to be a partner , especially with a simple, trainable, fixer upper, sexually motivated man that does not care that my body is not that of a 20 year old but rather a perfect 40 year old. Oh and mother also never told me that I would feel this flirtatiously wonderful at 40…. A secret she kept from me. I now know why (while I was outside playing) mom used to lock the doors when dad was home! ;)
~Christine~
~Christine~
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