I feel like I am spinning out of control. The ride stopped but my body and mind are still whipping around the corners, I am truly dizzy, nauseated and terribly confused. There is a lot happening to me; good and bad. With high emotions running through me it is hard to feel grounded. I have had personal news this week that has made me incredibly happy, and unfortunately I have had terribly awful news this week. So how do I relish in what is good when there is so much negativity and stress that comes from the bad?
Either way good highs or bad highs take the same amount of energy. I am exhausted. My brain has been mashed like potatoes, the ears are hearing but everything sounds like Charlie Browns teacher, and the words I speak are rushed and aggressive. I forgot to mention that I have been battling pneumonia, along with a throat infection that has left me thinking I swallowed a sheet of sand paper. I want to stand on my kitchen chair extend my arms straight out and scream. When the kids arrived home from school I offered them each $20 to beat it. My plan; soak in a hot tub, light candles and allow the stress to evaporate from my body into the steam of my bath.(forgot to mention some wine…)
It turns out only 2 of the girls could go out and 1 was feeling ill, and I couldn’t find any candles. So instead I decided to lie on my bed with my laptop and surf the old net. First I hit You Tube, and typed in “stupid people falling” in the search engine. I have to admit it made me laugh, but then I was just too tired to watch the same type of idiot hurt themselves coincidentally in front of a running video camera. That lasted about 10 minutes before I heard “moooooooooooom” in a condescending tone, “what do we have to eat?” of course my children have not figured out that the cupboard doors and fridge door open, and when opened……….. food reveals itself. I yelled “use the $20 I gave you and order a pizza!”
Still hiding in my sanctuary (bedroom) I decided to check my email. I usually only check it a couple of times a week. When I signed in and saw that my inbox had 44 messages I just figured that some Nigerian Family needed me to get their $46 million inheritance for them, or that some nice Botox Company felt my bitch lines should be fixed….. anyways, low and behold only 12 of the inbox messages were spam. Over 30 emails were for me, Dear Christine messages…. I just could not believe my eyes. Some of the emails were from friends, but others were from my blog followers. I instantly didn’t feel stress or tiredness anymore, and I certainly could not feel my sore throat any longer. I jumped up and made myself a tea to drink while I would sit back and read my emails.
What I read took my breath away. I am overwhelmed with the nature of the subject matter contained in the bodies of these emails. Mostly written by women that appreciate my honesty and my apparent ability to write in many cases what they feel, but would never even know where to begin or how to begin expressing their inner emotions. In fact one emailer asked if I had stolen her diary and wrote about her, as me. Ha! That one threw me for a loop considering I am the only crazy person I know, so ha!
As I read through the emails I began to feel less dizzy, confused and nauseated. I realized that I was feeling normal considering all of the issues I have dealt with this week. Coupled with the fact that I am moving in less than 3 weeks, I haven’t even begun to pack, I have 640 million doctor’s appointments this week, and let’s see ….hahahaha you get the picture. The emails I got grounded me and made me feel less stressed and more, dare I say normal??? I guess what I am trying to say is sharing makes the load a lot less heavy to carry. I am saddened that so many people seem to be dealing with issues or struggling with “demons”, but I am also happy to know that others have found comfort in what lil ole me has to say. Truth is everyone knows that we all have burdens in life, but no one said we have to deal with them alone.
I am no one special, believe you me. I am just as messed up as the next guy, but what I think allows me to stand out is that I am reaching out, reaching out for me and for you. This day turned out to be a fantastic day, it turned itself around to the point that I was able to lay in my bed and focus on positivity rather than my overwhelming list of “crap” to take care of. I am blessed and utterly honoured to have even just one person comment or email me with encouragement. Truth… you inspire me, to keep doing exactly what I am doing, whatever the hell it is that I am doing!
Thank you!
Oh and yes C. R, I will try your suggestion and blog the results. Awesome Idea!! Thank you for reading and caring enough to offer a solution. ;)
~Christine~
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