What is My Purpose?.....

I often ponder this thought as I continue to make my journey through life. I know that my purpose was much different 20 years ago, but once I had children my purpose changed, or it was side tracked by the hustle and bustle of child rearing, breast feeding, diaper changing, potty training, school…you get the picture. My purpose in life is something that I struggle immensely with. I am sure many people have questioned their day to day lives and wondered if their profession was the perfect decision or not…..but for me the very question; what is my purpose is on a much more profound level. It is not whether I should attain more schooling or change professions… it is simply about me .. What is My purpose?

I believe that out side of the duties of living life according to what society expects is actually our purposeful life. How many of us have ever sat down and asked then answered this question. I have had a near death experience and perhaps that is why I now ask myself this very question. A few years ago I believed that my purpose was to share with others that God had saved me and that I was to speak of this miracle. And yet when I found myself talking to others about my situation, the engagement of others listening to my story was absent.

A lot of soul searching and sifting through the matter of my past was an inevitable task to undertake. I had to force myself to face my past to figure out what path I was currently on to determine the course of my new direction. It was painful to do this for me. I never truly appreciated the demons in which I still hosted in my mind and my soul. This process caused an incredible amount of uncertainly about the love I had for others and the love that others claimed to have for me. In the end I worked through a lot of shit…(lol). But at the end of it I still had no idea what my purpose was. At the very core, why am I alive and what am I supposed to be doing? What mark or impression should I be leaving on this world?

I have resolved to the fact that I will not cure cancer, nor will I help world peace, but on a smaller scale of affecting change what should I be doing?

Having an illness is a great responsibility, one I wish I did not have. I am accountable to many people with a great expectation of how I handle my illness. Certainly being strong assists the ones around me in a very healthy way. Having said this, I carry a tremendous amount of guilt being sick. In fact it is a cross that I wish no one would ever have to bare. I would never want to change positions with any loved one, and be the observer /care taker. However, it does tear me apart knowing that I have hurt and stressed my family out. My spouse and my children are different now because of my illness, jaded in some ways. I know I have done that to them. Hearing your child cry because they are afraid of you dying or having a loved one pull away for fear of loosing you is difficult. It even puts me in a deeper fear of never finding out what my purpose is.

I found myself standing on the beach with 2.5 feet of snow under me. I extended my arms out like a cross, tilted my head back, looked to the sky and screamed “what do you want from me?” I stood there for what seemed like an eternity crying and yes screaming at God. I wanted to end my life that day, as I could not take the pressure of wondering when I was going to die, and how my family would be lost with out me, actually no HOW I WOULD BE LOST WITHOUT THEM!!! The thought of not being around for them…wow.

I was completely alone in my thoughts of my life being in such turmoil. I had no one to share any of this with, as the people who love you need to…. no HAVE to hear every single day that you are fine, so that in return they are ok.

I fell to my knees and wept there until I could no longer stand the cold. I got in my van to find my cell phone ringing. ‘Mom, where are you?” “I forgot my science and it’s due next period”… … I wiped my snotty nose and got right back into reality. The reality is I am a Mom. My children need me! So that is part of my purpose….

I know my life has meaning and purpose, and my purpose in life is to serve the ones I love. To enrich their lives and be enriched by them and the experiences we share. Lately I have opened my self up to new experiences and new people, and old new people….. I am taking the time to do the coffee ventures that everyone offers to do. Recently I reconnected with a friend that used to play the guitar in the choir with me, we enjoyed bacon and eggs together followed with an incredible walk in the park (yes geese infested). During this time with him I realized that a part of my purpose is also to make spiritual connections with others. We talked about our children, our parents and what it really means to enjoy life. Sitting on a park bench sharing coffee and our life experiences was exactly what I needed to make this realization.

My purpose in life is still something I struggle to determine fully, however I am starting to believe that my purpose is to just be ME. Open to the possibility that I am a good mother, and friend. Perhaps my life; as messy as it has been was meant to happen so that I could share my experiences and actually relate with, and help others. Through this blog in particular I have had the amazing opportunity to share with you and have been blessed that so many of you take the time to not only read my thoughts, but share emails with me after. I am so honoured to have you feel comfortable enough to share with me.