Happiness & Disbelief

I got to thinking yesterday after I had posted a comment on friends wall…that I am a very lucky girl. I read back the words that I had written and then read the comment that she had written back; I realized that I am very blessed. Her excitement kind of shook me as she seemed much happier about my post than I was. I guess I have been in a state of mind for so long that I have forgotten how to be anything other than an ill person.

For the past 10 years cancer has been a major thing in our life and yet it has never stopped us from living. It has created many hardships for our family but for some reason and somehow we as a unit have never allowed it to tear us down or apart. We have just sort of grown accustomed to it. Maybe we never really dealt with it; who knows. I know that I have feared dying and that my family has feared losing me, but has anyone ever really doubted that I could beat it? It is not about denial or well wishing. I really think that my family thinks I can overcome anything. They know I am a fighter but they must think that I am a champion fighter because after some discussions with them this past weekend…no one really believed that I would succumb to it. I can’t say that so lightly myself. I have feared dying as I know you can only cheat death so many times…..but to be honest with you this last round had me convinced that I was not to survive, so much so that I did things that prepared me for death.

I went to great lengths in fact to make sure that I was ready to meet my maker; as well, I made sure that my funeral was prepared so that my family would not have had to deal with it. I made amends with individuals that I never thought was possible and even found the strength to close some doors on people who I accept …will never have the pleasure in seeing me again. I know my journey was not a waste because I am happy with the choices I made; as I feel lighter so to speak. I can smile without the same pain level that I once had knowing the loose ends in my life needed to be tied are now done.

This weekend I made a comment on a friend’s facebook wall, as I mentioned earlier…that was the spark to my fire of happiness. I was joking about a liver cleanse that she was promoting. I mentioned I too did the cleanse- mine was called RE-Section…lol, of course the comments went back and forth but it wasn’t until I mentioned that my liver had already rejuvenated to its rightful size …..well she responded in such a way  that I found myself crying. I cried so hard in fact it hurt my side. I am healed. It hit me that for the first time in 10 years I don’t have cancer…. Again my tears are pouring from my eyes. I have said it, but truth be told I have mechanically spoke about my cancer for so long that I am continuing to do it even in remission. Oh joy is me…..I will say it again. I am cancer free. I weep with such joy…

Pat loves me immensely…so I figured that since we arrived in London that he was holding me out of fear of me leaving him and so now that we are home I wondered why he has continued in such the same manners…… he has just been so thankful ….well anyways now I understand all the selfies he wants to take with me, and why he wants to hold and kiss me so often. I am cancer free; the bricks have fallen off his shoulders and this is his way of celebrating. I feel like a soldier who has just returned from battle….even have the scars to prove it! ( Don’t worry mom I won’t post anymore of my half naked body pictures too prove it; although I must say I am hot)

I guess there is some getting used to around here when it comes to speaking about my illness. The “have” and the “had” word will have to be reversed when speaking of my illness. 10 long years of this …is enough. Again I am weeping. I guess today being 4 weeks post-surgery it is finally hitting me. I am so very happy; actually happy is not a word that describes how I feel. Relieved is the first word to describe but then after that …there are no words to describe truly how I feel, there simply can’t be a word to explain or to justify the wealth of emotion that I feel. Bitterness and anger no longer run through me… it is in the past and besides I have learned so much about myself, my family and others and would have never taken this journey had it not been for cancer. I have no regrets. Cancer has been a blessing just as much as it has been my enemy.

Cancer is not my testimony in life…my battle with it has been. My attitude towards my illness is what has gotten me to today…cancer free. I have never ever once allowed my illness to be a crutch and nor have I ever allowed it to define me or my limitations. It has not won one ounce of me or my body. Yeah I am a few organs short the next guy……but I obviously don’t need them anyways! Ha ha ha.

Today it is rainy, tomorrow it is supposed to snow…..horrible weather right? You won’t hear a negative word out of this mouth; a day for me is a day alive. THAT is where my joy and my happiness will come from. I am in disbelief even thinking of being able to say “cancer free”….wow. Thank you to all of you who support me, and for never ever letting me think that I could not take this beast on. Your belief in my ability to live through this amazes me. I am a goose who is finally able to set sail…you are my wind behind my stretched out wings. I humbly and so graciously thank you. AND you are right Nancy we must and we will celebrate this......

Love

~Christine~

Here are 2 very important pictures to share. Pat & I when I started this journey, and yesterday. Patrick….I LOVE YOU 

2004

2014

(cancer free smiles)